What to do BEFORE someone dies

Amanda65

Hi all

I know there is an excellent sticky on this Board about what to do when someone passes away but I thought it might be helpful to ask what people wished they had done before the sad event to make life easier for those left behind.

A bit of background as to what has got me thinking about this first. My father was diagnosed with bowel cancer before Christmas and operated on in January. Although he is home now and they managed to remove the tumour, he had a very tough time in hospital resulting in a month long stay, two operations, 3 weeks on IV feeding and MRSA :eek:.

My parents, who have been married for 50 years this year, have quite a traditional relationship and almost all of their finances are sorted out by and are in my fathers name, other than some investments etc. in my mother's name for tax purposes. My mother does have her own bank account which my father pays 'housekeeping' into by standing order each month and which she uses for the food etc. Her pension also goes into her account.

While he was in hospital he panicked about there not being enough money in his account for the standing orders and my poor Mum got very confused about transferring money from her account to his (she had had some investment pay out into her account). We have now signed her up for internet banking so that should the need arise again, I could easily help her to transfer the money to him.

Since coming out of hospital, Dad has been concerned with 'putting his affairs in order' to make life easier for my Mum (and me as I would be the one helping her). He has asked for his main bank account to be made into a joint accout so that should anything happen to him it would still continue to run just in Mum's name and direct debits etc. would still continue and Mum would have access to additional funds but I wondered what else, other than this, people wished they had had in place before a spouse / parent passed away that would have made a very stressful time slightly easier ?

fluffnutter

Lasting power of attorney?

hilstep2000

My Mamma controlled all the finances in their household. When she died I took over, then after a year my Dad decided he was able to manage. He wasn't. Last year he had to go into a Nursing home and I found out he was £30000 in debt! I had to sell his flat, pay his debts and then invest the money for his care. He still doesn't understand that the money is not for frittering away! I wish Mamma had explained that Daddy was incapable of managing finances, I wouldn't have let him otherwise.
I now have Power of Attorney for him.
One thing my Mamma did before she died (she had Motor Nureone) was she wrote down what she wanted at her funeral. (Hymns, songs etc) so that I didn't have to choose. That made things easier too. We talked about loads of things too, told each other everything we wanted to know/tell, which was wonderful. There was none of those "What ifs?" She also gave her jewellery to the children and grandchildren, so there were no arguments afterwards either.
Hope this helps someone.

Armchair23

My husband died last year, and although the things I'm about to mention might not be relevant to your parents it might help someone else.

If you have a credit card where the account was applied for in your spouses name that card wil be cancelled when the card company are notified of your spouses death. So it's worth checking in advance and applying for a card in your own name.
I had a Tesco Mastercard and although my husband rarely used it he'd made the original application. Being without a credit card just after a death can be a hassle.

Passwords, if your spouse has online banking, billing or things like Paypal make sure you know what those passwords are. It's amazing how difficult it is to deal with some things that have been set up using the web when you don't have all the details.

Things like car and house insurance don't automatically transfer to the spouse so if that comes up for renewal it could be worth transferring it into the partners name.

Simplify anything you can, don't have lots of little savings accounts or subscriptions to things. Each and every one of those will generate letters and bills for years to come.

It can be incredibly hard to ask someone terminally ill some of these questions, but it does need doing. My husband's health deteriorated very quickly and although he thought he'd left everything in good order I'm still struggling with all kinds of things that neeed sorting out.

Well done to your Dad for thinking about these things in advance.

pinkmami

Definately a LPA. I have one in place for my grandmother who at 97, and has dementia - its been a godsend. Together 2 yrs ago we (and another family member) went to a solicitor & arranged it. This week we decided it was safer for her to go to a home (1st time in her grand old life) & its been for the best, as we have family members whom are being very awkward to say the least regarding the matter.

DH's aunt transferred her house to him yrs ago when he health was excellent - just incase. So when she passes away it makes things easier.

My father is only 63 but after mum passed away a few yrs ago he decided to arrange a LPA & transfer the house over to me - these things have been done should he be unfortunate as to lose his good health.

floss2

After having gone through this twice, I am really pleased to see this thread.

I would second all of the above, adding things like:

Ask them to look at all their photos and write on the back who is who - great to identify where that nose came from, or to illustrate a family tree in the future.

Ask about their childhood - what your gran was really like, did Great Uncle Joe really kill that number of baddies in the war etc. I wish I'd been able to ask about my grandad's time in Ireland in the 1920s.

A difficult one maybe, but ask if there are any skeletons that may come out in the future.... I would love to know why my grandparents married less than 3 months before my mum was born, but I will never know.

Above all, tell them that you love them. We don't always tell people, we assume they know, but it's nice to be told while there is the opportunity.

Amanda65

Thanks for all the advice so far.

Floss, I am lucky in that my Dad, since retiring, has been very into family history and has lots of stories and photos already documented.

The advice about the LPA is very interesting and I will certainly look into that with them. I do have a brother but he lives overseas and although I would never make decisions about Mum or Dad without him, the day to day care for them will come down to me so need to be able to carry through any decisions we sadly may have to reach on their behalves.

My father is an astute man financially and after a heart attack last year spent a couple of hours with me going through various files and folders showing me where things were. I know he has also left some instructions about his funeral arrangements. He and I are very alike - I tend to plan for the worst case scenario then anything other than that is a bonus . My Mum however gets rather 'funny' talking about plans for the future and thinks you are wishing her dead so it's more difficult with her. Hopefully this recent scare will make her realise how necessary a bit of planning is.

The advice so far is really helpful - keep it coming !

Mojisola

Armchair23 wrote: »

Passwords, if your spouse has online banking, billing or things like Paypal make sure you know what those passwords are. It's amazing how difficult it is to deal with some things that have been set up using the web when you don't have all the details.

This is vital for us all. Anyone, at any age, can die from accidents or sudden illnesses.

*Louise*

I am reading this thread with interest - I'm sorry to hear about your Dad, although he sounds like a very organised man!

My parents both have cancer, my dad only has about 6 months but the problem we have is that he won't even discuss anything and has just told my mum she can choose whatever. She even has to go out the room to make phone calls to update people on how he is getting on because he doesn't want to hear it.

He is quietly getting his photos in order (he is a photographer so loads of them) and I need to work out how to ask him if I can take over the family tree (it's all online so I need passwords and stuff)

I think my mum will be okay with the finances though, although I will need to make her do a SOA and get her more organised

BlondeHeadOn

One thing that made things very easy for my Dad when my mum died was that all my parent's finances were in joint accounts, with both of them as signatories. This means that the accounts are not frozen when one person dies, and it makes the business of sorting out the regular outgoing payments much easier. Everything financial basically just carried on as usual after my mum died, and my Dad could sort out informing the relevant authorities as and when he felt up to it.

It would be easier for your mum if the finances were set up this way, I think.

POA is a good idea, but AFAIK it's only valid while the person is still alive - so once your dad died the POA would no longer be active.

luxor4t

floss2 wrote: »

.... Above all, tell them that you love them. We don't always tell people, we assume they know, but it's nice to be told while there is the opportunity.

My parents, now in their very late 70s, always kiss each other goodbye now, even if dad is just going to the shops.

I second the 'family [STRIKE]skeletons[/STRIKE] secrets' idea, although some are best left lying!