Grave memorials - Warning when parent has re-married.

mammyof7

This has really got me thinking. In 1988 my dad died and was buried in what my mother said was a triple grave?? (is that even possible). Fast forward to 2007 and we lost our precious baby son. My son is now buried in the same grave as his grandad. When the funeral was taking place i couldnt but notice this was extremely shallow. However my mother is still adamant that it is a triple grave with room still for her to go!

Also although my dad has an headstone, my baby has his own seperate headstone which is flat to the ground. We paid for all his funeral and had the headstone errected ourselves with the bills being in our name. Where does this leave us with rights to our sons grave? My mother is remarried now and i cant stand the thought of some family who i dont even know having my rights over my childs grave than i do .

Welshwoofs

It's also worth mentioning that, as time passes, who 'owns' what is all a bit academic anyway as you actually don't own the plot of land you're buried in, you buy the right to be buried there for a certain period of time. Grave Deeds generally have an expiry date of 25, 50, 75 or 99 years. When that time runs out a renewal notice gets sent to the owner of the 'exclusive rights of burial' - if they get no response (for instance, if the owner has failed to update the cemetary of changes of addresses so they couldn't be reached), then the cemetary can issue notice that headstones/memorials will be removed.

Those are 'purchased graves', however in urban areas a lot of grave plots are sold as leasehold only due to lack of space and the graveyard have the right to relocate the remains as soon as the lease expires which may well mean putting the bones into a communal vault and stacking up the memorial stones somewhere.

You can transfer ownership of exclusive rights of burial in your Will - so if there are situations where children don't want ownership passing to a new spouse, it's best to tackle the question well before the situation arises. Apparently the current owner should contact the cemetary for instructions on how to Will a transfer because it's not simply a case of saying "I bequeath X ownership of..."

NAR

This thread has made our choice to be cremated sounding all the more sensible by the minute.

hilstep2000

My Mamma was the sole owner of her burial plot. It takes four people. After she died, I found out that it had to be changed to me or my sister, otherwise we couldn't bury my Daddy there! It has to be done within the first year of death too, and at the time (2008) cost me £50. It has now gone up to £150.
Most people arn't aware of this, I wasn't, an Uncle informed me as he had had to do it for his Mum.

socks_uk

Looby_-_Lou wrote: »

As with all things associated with death and burial it is best if possible to discuss all eventualities when everyone is relatively fit and healthy. If necessary include your wishes in your will if you don't trust those left to carry them out.

This is OK if you actually realise that there could be a future problem.

I often hear but she never bothered when he was alive from both sides - and on occasion know for a fact that no one bothered in life but it was the neighbours and friends who visited and cared for the deceased.

My sister, brothers and I all either saw my dad or phoned him on a weekly basis. I spent his last day with him until one of my brothers took over on the evening he died.

To the OP I would take advice from someone other than a stonemason - had your parents Purchased the Exclusive Right of Burial? If so you might have more rights than you think - talk to the burial authority (Church or Cemetery manager) where your parents are buried - they make the decision on who erects what memorial and not the stonemason.

I have spoken to the cemetery office and our step-mother's name is on the grave rights. It seems the law/rules changed after my mum died which means the grave had to be purchased even though it was a double plot. Unfortunately, my dad didn't make a will.

The good thing that came out of this is that I am able to talk about what I would like to happen to me when the time comes. My will states that I wish to be cremated.

socks_uk

hilstep2000 wrote: »

My Mamma was the sole owner of her burial plot. It takes four people. After she died, I found out that it had to be changed to me or my sister, otherwise we couldn't bury my Daddy there! It has to be done within the first year of death too, and at the time (2008) cost me £50. It has now gone up to £150.
Most people arn't aware of this, I wasn't, an Uncle informed me as he had had to do it for his Mum.

These are the sort of rules that 'Joe Public' are not aware of until they come across it themselves!

I think people are to afraid to talk about death and their wishes. Maybe there should be a TV series about it like the excellent series recently about wills (You can't take it with you).

I'm not a religious person and both my husband and my daughter know what 'pop' songs I want at my cremation, which could happen anytime between next week and 60 years time! I'm pretty sure I'll be dead before I'm 108 years old!! Who knows??? lol

onlyroz

NAR wrote: »

This thread has made our choice to be cremated sounding all the more sensible by the minute.

Exactly. I thought burial, in our modern overcrowded world, was an out-dated concept. I'd rather be either donated to medical science or cremated.

peachyprice

socks_uk wrote: »

When she dies, the grave rights pass to her next-of-kin who will be one of her children.

I believe this is only the case if it isn't included in a will as an asset.

If your dad had specified that the rights would pass to say his eldest child they would have stayed in the family rather than his new wife and for her to pass onto her children.

BTW, burial rights are not indefinite, the grave will be for a set number of burials, say 2 or 3, so may already be full. It will only continue to be passed on if it is 'converted' to accept cremation ashes, in which case you can get loads more in.

Looby_-_Lou_2

socks_uk wrote: »

The good thing that came out of this is that I am able to talk about what I would like to happen to me when the time comes. My will states that I wish to be cremated.

Socks - I'm so sorry I didn't mean to imply that you didn't have regular contact with your Dad, I was just relating the difficult position I sometimes find myself in.

I do hope you are able to find a solution.

socks_uk

peachyprice wrote: »

I believe this is only the case if it isn't included in a will as an asset.

If your dad had specified that the rights would pass to say his eldest child they would have stayed in the family rather than his new wife and for her to pass onto her children.

BTW, burial rights are not indefinite, the grave will be for a set number of burials, say 2 or 3, so may already be full. It will only continue to be passed on if it is 'converted' to accept cremation ashes, in which case you can get loads more in.

Just to clarify... the issue isn't anything to do with my step-mother wanting to be buried with my dad. My dad is in a double grave with my mother.

The issue is not being able to reposition the headstone back on the grave without my step-mother's or her current next-of-kin (if she has already died) giving their permission (which could be one of her children or a new husband if she re-married - we have no idea).

She can have her ashes sprinkled there if that's what she wants makes no difference to us because we are not religious but we just want the headstone back where it should be.