Family Issues - Getting Married Tomorrow :o(

Essmore

Hi Guys

I'm a long time poster on here but have registered a new username as I wish to start this discussion as anonymously as I can.

I'm getting married tomorrow to someone who I love with every fibre of my being. She has stood by me through thick and thin over the last few years, and I couldn't hope to be spending the rest of my days with a more perfect partner.

Back in November myself and my partner had a rough couple of weeks, and I turned to my mother for support (as you do) as my thinking was that she was a woman of the world and would be able to offer some decent sound advice. Unfortunately this was not to be the case.

Instead she decided that the best way to help me to resolve things was to be ignorant to my partner on the phone, and then proceed to publicly make a mockery of my relationship issues on Facebook with the help of my sister (sounds very Jeremy Kyle, doesn't it?!) I haven't spoken to either of them properly since November as I feel hurt by what they both did, I suppose I've been waiting and wishing for an apology, but I doubt it'll ever happen.

The truth is, myself and my mother have never had a fantastic relationship, we were never really that close. She was a young mum, and tried her best to do what was right by me and my sister, but she made a hell of a lot of mistakes which I wont go in to, but I wont hold against her either.

When I started grammar school and started getting into difficulty with teachers there (I wanted to learn, rather than learn) the friction began. This continued until I was 16, decided to move to my grandparents and then finally at 20 got my own place and have never looked back.

She's married now, with two wee kids who I love and lives with her new husband and new family, along with my 21 year old sister.

As the title of the thread says, I'm getting married tomorrow, and although there is a bit of friction I feel that she and my sister should have made an effort to contact me.

The day was only ever going to be myself, my partner and two witnesses, so there'd be no awkward confrontation at a reception as we simply aren't having one.

I've been talking to my mothers sisters, and my grandparents (who are more like my second set of parents!) and they have been very vocal in their disgust of my mum and sisters actions, and have said that they can't bring themselves to say anything to my mother for fear a full on family falling out.

If you were me, what would you do. Would you wait to be contacted, or would you contact her/them?

Lost!

Seanymph

Be brutally honest with yourself about what you want.

Your relationship back with your mother? An apology? To be free of this woman?

When you work out what you actually want, then you can work out what to do to achieve it. What you can't do is make HER do anything - you can only work out what you want, and set about doing that yourself.

Essmore

I do want a relationship with her, but there does have to be some give and take.

fluffnutter

Essmore wrote: »

I do want a relationship with her, but there does have to be some give and take.

What if she can't (or won't) meet you halfway? What then?

Essmore

Her loss then, I think..

Hanging_by_a_thread

Essmore wrote: »

If you were me, what would you do. Would you wait to be contacted, or would you contact her/them?

Lost!

Are you worried that your mum and sister will snub your wedding, or concerned that they will turn up and ruin it? To be honest if you did contact them I dont think you would get the response or outcome you long for.

By the sounds of it your mum handled things badly and very insensitively when you turned to her for help. To not contact you and resolve things when your wedding day is approaching seems very cold hearted to me. I dont have kids yet but I do know that seeing your own child marry is one of those unique, once in a lifetime moments. Most parents would move heaven and earth not to miss something so momentous.

Let sleeping dogs lie till after your wedding and focus on having a fab day tomorrow. I hope it will be very special for you and your fiance.

Oooops, no pun intended in the above sentence!

thunderbird

If you want to speak to her, then give her a ring. Life's too short.

thunderbird

Hanging_by_a_thread wrote: »

Are you worried that your mum and sister will snub your wedding, or concerned that they will turn up and ruin it? To be honest if you did contact them I dont think you would get the response or outcome you long for.

By the sounds of it your mum handled things badly and very insensitively when you turned to her for help. To not contact you and resolve things when your wedding day is approaching seems very cold hearted to me. I dont have kids yet but I do know that seeing your own child marry is one of those unique, once in a lifetime moments. Most parents would move heaven and earth not to miss something so momentous.

Let sleeping dogs lie till after your wedding and focus on having a fab day tomorrow. I hope it will be very special for you and your fiance.

Oooops, no pun intended in the above sentence!

Maybe I misunderstood but I dont think the mother and sister were invited.

londonsurrey

You turned to her, hoping for a wise motherly advice. As you said, she wasn't the wise motherly type.

She also showed that only only was she not a good font of wisdom, she's also a let-it-all-hang-out-and-slag-them-off type, which is fine if you're a group who agrees this the way to go, but you've indicated it's not to your taste.

She's also thus far not giving any indication of being the magnanimous and nice mother by getting in touch with you and happily and matter of factly expecting that family is at least cares enough to want to wish you joy on the day.

So, this is your mother, the real her. And as SeaNymph said, what do you want from her?
Then realise what you can't get from her, and work out if what you can get from is realistic, and then work on achieving that.

For instance, if deep down you really want her at your wedding (this is a very normal and human want), then the reality is that (I'm imagining the following scenario - you know her better) she'll turn up and you'll have the presence of your mother, if not the ideal motherly presence. She'll partake of parts of it, smile at some parts, sulk at some parts, and possibly upset someone with at least a couple of remarks and actions. And that will be the reality. Common enough for most people, but the question is how worth the hassle is the person? Most people with happy relationships don't even think about it, but this is not a happy relationship.

Essmore

Maybe I should have been a bit clearer guys. Mum and sister weren't invited as it was a couple and witnesses only package.

The reason for this is that we had already booked a wedding in Vegas for September, but unfortunately my OH took ill with cancer (all clear now) and we had to cancel everything, leaving us out of pocket.

We decided that life is too short, and what is important is the fact that we love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together.. So we booked the local registry office, taking two witnesses and then having a few days in Dublin to chill out.

We plan to do the USA thing later this year when she's able to do a long haul flight.

RadoJo

You can't make them behave in the way you want - you could call them and tell them that you're disappointed that they haven't been in touch, but then why stress yourself out this close to the big day when you are unlikely to be able to fully resolve any issues in the next 24 hours anyway? If you call them today and it ends up in a row, do you think you'll be able to put it out of your mind tomorrow? Personally, I would leave it until after the wedding and the honeymoon period, decide how you want the relationship to proceed and see if that's possible.