Should you treat your children differently with money?

findingmyownway

As someone who witnessed a very awkward conversation the other day between OH and his mum, where his mum basically said 'you know that money i gave u for house deposit 4 yrs ago, well im remarried now and new husband wants it back' - i think you should count your blessings you're not geting involved in family financial loans/gifts and be proud of standing on your own 2 feet!!

Bluemeanie_2

findingmyownway wrote: »

As someone who witnessed a very awkward conversation the other day between OH and his mum, where his mum basically said 'you know that money i gave u for house deposit 4 yrs ago, well im remarried now and new husband wants it back' - i think you should count your blessings you're not geting involved in family financial loans/gifts and be proud of standing on your own 2 feet!!

That's appauling! A gift is a gift! I suppose the new Hubby is annoyed that she gave money away!

thunderbird

How did you find out about the £25k? Its just that I would have thought that was a private matter between parents and daughter and I am wondering what the circumstances were that one of them decided to tell you.

Gigglepig

Even though the parents may do as they please with their money, time and attention it doesn't mean that it is nice of them to treat their kids differently. OP, I don't think there is anything you can do about it. If your OH finds the difference in treatment hurtful he could mention this to his parents, but it could make things worse.

mildred1978

Hmmmm. Some very different views from when I posted a similar thread :think:

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3410997

My OH is in a similar situation to your OH. He had no help through uni, in buying cars or houses as it was expected that he deal with all of that himself. Each of his other brothers has been supported through uni and then received £50k or more towards their houses with little expectation of anything ever being paid back.

All of the sons now have children and the difference in treatment is marked. The other grandchildren are showered with gifts while my son is pretty much forgotten about. It's far too much for them to skype him, or come down and visit for a weekend. They've been down for 1 day in the 19 months since he's been born. They're retired so it's not like they don't have the time.

It upsets both of us, but I tend to handle it by not really bothering too much with them.

rachelet

OP I can understand completely how you feel as this has happened to my DH as well. He has a younger sister who his parents do favour and I do find it hard to keep my mouth shut when his parents help his sister out all the time. I don't think it helps that I don't really get on with his parents at all.

Myself and DH were both training to be accountants (and therefore were not earning very much money) when we wanted to buy a house together. We found one we liked and managed to get the money together for a deposit. My husband then found property details for similar properties in his parent's house. When he asked they said they were helping his sister to buy a house so she could move out. They also said that he could invest in the house for his sister as well if he had a spare £20,000!! Well of course he didn't. To be fair he did kick up a bit of a stink and so his parents rented the house out for a few years with his sister owning a 1/4 of the house and his parents owning 3/4. So his sister got 1/4 of the rent and his parents 3/4 of the rent. His sister then moved in to the property a few years later and paid his parents to rent the property. What DH didn't find out until much later was that his sister never had the money to buy 1/4 of the house, so his parents loaned her money!! She then received 1/4 of the rent and paid her parents part of the 1/4 of the rent as a repayment of the loan she received from them!! So in effect they were giving her money each month and then when she sold the house later on, she then received the uplift in the value her 1/4 of the house had gained!!

What makes me really mad is that my DH had wanted to move out of home before he met me and had found a house and arranged a mortgage but just needed his parents to be guarantors on the mortgage which they refused to do! DH could afford the mortgage payments but because he was young at the time, the mortgage company wanted a guarantor.

All that has happened with my in-laws makes me even more sure that I am going to treat all my kids in the same way!!

catkins

Stories like this make me angry. My parents have always treated me and my siblings the same which is the way I think it should be. Oh however has been treated a lot like your OH. Presents were never equal, one Christmas he got a jumper, she got a really good stereo.

They have always sung her praises - she is so clever, has such a good job/husband etc. Her house is wonderful whereas according to OH's parents ours is "cramped and poky"

OH grew up being told he was useless and would never amount to anything. On our wedding day his mum said she would give our marriage a year if we were lucky and we would never have our own house.

OH's dad was bad enough but his mum was 100% times worse. They have never ever told him they love him and although he seems confident he isn't at all.

His dad died a while ago and his mum just got worse and worse going on about how wonderful his sister had been helping with everything and all the things we had done were ignored or criticised.

we now haven't spoken to his mum for about a year - she accused him of something he didn't do and won't back down over it and refuses to take phone calls etc - her loss

Bangton

I feel sorry for your OH. It must be a horrible situation for him.

I'm one of four and we have all been treated pretty much the same although there have been times when one of us has had more help .. because they needed it. That's always been fine with me though as I want my siblings to be ok. We all have a different relationships with my mum though (my dad passed away) as we are all different.

It's a difficult one though in terms of what to do. I do wonder if they shower his sister with lovely comments and things because she is the female? A bit like family of the bride thing..where they are expected to pay moreso than family of the man? Am I making sense? Probably not but I guess what I'm trying to say is sometimes my mum is complimentary to me because she knows I'm a bit self conscious whereas my brother is uber confident and masculine so she is less likely to compliment him. Money-wise perhaps they are old fashioned and believe YOUR family should help out as your the female and that's why they haven't felt the need to contribute to his home?