Should you treat your children differently with money?

lostinrates

Its a sad situation, i feel for your oh. Fwiw, i think a lt of people will have first hand experience of this.

But, tbh, i don't see how parents always can. E.g. In my family my sister has children i do not. Inevitably my sister got more financial help because she needed it more. At one point my family house her and paid school fees for her children. That must have been a fair whack of money towards m sister and her children, but i am glad they helped her and the kids. I did hear that my sister had complained my parents gave dh a christmas gift the same as ours (we each got sixty quid). What she faled to realise is that my parents love dh like a son. I had certaonly never thought to comain that adding her childrens gifts value to her gift value meant i was getting less.


Similarly, for a substantial period of time i and dh at weekends, lived in my parents' house. We didn't need momey, but somewhere to stash the attic full of stuff and sleep...not least because i was ill and not meant to be living alone, was useful. I would have been shocked had my sister felt that her rent should have been contributed to to keep things even.

I know my fil gives his daughter help financially but not his sons. They are closer, and now he has a step dauhter i think she also gets the same financial treatment (i know dh was hurt to find out that the sd got a christmas gift but he and his siblings didn't) but that is the way the cookie crumbles. On the us side, dh is the only one of the four in a ltr and who is a home owner....so what life sees unfair one way it often rights in a way harder to quantify.

Op, make your husband feel loved...it can be from you and your family as much as his. Money is very imrtant but it is only money. A happy loving relationship with you, and as far as he can with his family is worth much more then twentyfive grand imo.

Any

Theoretically, no, it is not nice to do that.

However, there are situations and feelings behind closed doors that can change that.

If a "normal" set of parents (ie not that greatly well off) have 2 children of which one is a uni educated well doing twice as much as them paid sibling they probably don't feel the need to interfere, quite often are extremely proud of the person they created. But the other sibling is let's say finding most pleasure in charity work, doesn't want career, only works to live and spends all time with family etc... or is not the smartest cookie in the box they might need to interfere and help out.

This does not mean that one is loved more.

You say there are other signs of differencial treatment... unfortunately sometimes also just because people are blood doesn't mean that you have to feel the same way towards them, whether they deserve it or not. Some people just don' click, they will never be friends. It is better to concentrate on the people who make you happy, rather then on the ones that make you unhappy, no matter where their blood came from.

tea_lover

When my sister got married her and her OH bought a house with no support from our parents. This was at least 15 years ago and house prices were much lower. When I bought my first house I was on my own and prices were shooting up, and my parents helped me towards the deposit. It was on the understanding that any help given then would be taken off my share of things later on (ie. my sister would gain more from their wills).

As it turned out, my sister's husband b*ggered off when their child was a newborn. My parents then helped her to buy him out so she could keep her home.

I guess what I'm trying to say (in a roundabout way!) is that they may just not think that you need any help, whereas his sister may. If you were in a position to need help, would they offer it? If they would, I wouldn't worry about it as then they would be treated the same, if the circumstances were the same - iyswim.

Either way, all you can do is focus on you and your OH. Boost his self-esteem by being financially independent - family borrowing often leads to more hassle than it's worth anyway.

Acc72

pleasedelete wrote: »

The question was if parents should treat children differently!

As a parent I am entitled to express my view. I was answering the question asked!

You clearly judged me when you made that comment!!!

Where did I judge you ?

you said "well obviously they shouldn't" and my comment was that it is not for others to judge what a person should or should not do with their own money.

Of course you are entitled to express your view, although being a parent is irrelevant.

Peater

bad timing?

At the time you needed money, they were saving for thier own means. Perhaps when the 'chosen one' (try and get over it or it will become destructive) asked they had money left over from the purchases and wanted to help.

Suarez

It happens in most families. I work and pay my Dad monthly to stay at home which I don't mind. My sister also stays at home, doesn't work, dropped out of college, doesn't pay a penny and gets given anything she wants.

I think the best thing to do is get on with it and realise I will be better off in the long run when I have my own house and decent salary

pleasedelete

Acc72 wrote: »

Where did I judge you ?

you said "well obviously they shouldn't" and my comment was that it is not for others to judge what a person should or should not do with their own money.

Of course you are entitled to express your view, although being a parent is irrelevant.

Hmmm when you quoted me and said it's not for others to judge! You were judging my comment.

Lionnose

*Louise* wrote: »

Well, I'm one of those people who, when they have a problem, tend to just ask the people concerned.

in your case perhaps your OH should speak to his parents himself (you should stay out of it and just offer him support) and ask why he is treated differently to his sister. Why are they constantly praising her and not bothering about him, that sort of thing. It could be that they don't even realise they are doing it. I am assuming she is the younger sibling?

Thanks for your message, I will stay out of it, my OH is the opposite to you and I, he won't ask them why, he will just avoid confrontation at all costs. I think that's just part of who he is.

Mojisola wrote: »

It can be very hurtful when parents favour one child over another. Does your OH's low self-esteem stem from a lifetime of this treatment?

Yes I think it might do.

Thanks to all for your replies. They have been very helpful. I'll just keep trying to show him how wonderful he is. I think his parents love him a lot, I think they just find it harder to show emotion towards him as he is very quiet.

Acc72

pleasedelete wrote: »

Hmmm when you quoted me and said it's not for others to judge! You were judging my comment.

Ok, seeing as we are being pedantic .....

I actually said "it is not for others to judge what a person should or should not do with their own money"

So, please do not judge me following your perception that I judged you for making a comment .......

Bluemeanie_2

I think they should treat them all the same. it always amazes me on this site how people change their tune when it suits. When I posed a question about buying stepchildren and my own children different Christmas presents, most were like "treat them all the same". Now it's "they can do what they want with their money" consensus.

My parents always treated me and my sister the same. I went uni, she didn't. When my parents paid the full contribution towards my fees (at the time £1125 a year) they gave her the same.

It annoys me that at the age of 30 she still lives at home and pays £100 a month board, then criticises me for being "tight" when I mention I can't afford certain things. If all my wages were my own bar £100 I'd be loaded too!