Should you treat your children differently with money?

Lionnose

My OH and I bought our house 4 years ago and his parents 'couldn't help us out financially' which was fine.

6 months later they bought two houses without needing a mortgage on either to rent. Again, this was not a problem to us as my parents helped us out financially and we had the house we wanted.

The thing that I'm bothered by is that my OH's sister is now looking at buying a house, their parent's have offered to GIVE her £25,000 to help her out in buying her first home with her boyfriend. I know this has really hurt my OH's feelings and I don't know what to say to him to make it ok. He feels that they don't love him.

It is not only the financial situation, this has just highlighted the problem.

If we go to stay at their second home, all together they spend the whole time praising his sister, telling her she is wonderful, fabulous, kind, helpful (which she is) but they never give any compliments to my OH who is also wonderful, kind, helpful... I could go on!

Any advice?

pleasedelete

Well no obviously they shouldn't.

But circumstances do change. My oh has a sister 10 years younger than him. He worked through uni, didn't have driving lessons as couldn't afford it etc

His parents were ok off but over time they got richer.

His sister was given driving lessons and a car on her 18th. Her uni was fully paid for. She never worked.

He doesn't feel animosity but it has made him determined to treat ours the same.

His older sister paid for her own (rather lovely and simple) wedding. 15 years later his younger sister had a fully paid for (I guess at least 20k) extravaganza which was.......well not to everyones taste.

Nottoobadyet

I think this is something that you'll just have to grin and bear - they won't change and you and your OH feeling bitter about it wont help.

I paid for my own university fees while my younger sister got them paid for - my parents have supported her (with free housing or full financial support while she continued studies abroad) for going on 9 years longer than they did for me, and at one point they were considering buying her a flat before my mum was made redundant. There was a time when it annoyed me, but these days its water off the ducks back and I feel proud of my financial independence.

Is OH's sister much worse off than the two of you? If shes in a low wage job, I could see the parents thinking that she needs the financial help and the self esteem boost of their praise more than your OH does, especially since like you say you are set up with your own home already.

gingin_2

I don't think you should and I wouldn't but it's their money, their children, their choice.


What resolution would make you happy? Would £25k make it all better? Or would a closer, warmer relationship with them solve the problem? The fact that you have taken 3 paragraphs to highlight the £25,000 and a small paragraph at the end to describe the emotional relationship says a lot

Lara44

I can see that your OH is upset about perceived favouritism. However he may have 'dodged a bullet' in not getting that financial help - see this thread. I had a similar experience where my parents offered to help us buy somewhere and then randomly bought another house without mentioning any change of plans. I was relieved and remain relieved about that - and proud to have saved longer and bought somewhere for ourselves. Even though it seems unfair sometimes favours come with huge strings attached - it could be much more complicated than your post suggests.

Lionnose

gingin wrote: »

The fact that you have taken 3 paragraphs to highlight the £25,000 and a small paragraph at the end to describe the emotional relationship says a lot

I would like him to feel loved, as loved as he should feel as he is a fantastic person. He has low self esteem and the money thing just highlighted the situation. It seemed to be a tangible example of how he is treated differently.

Acc72

pleasedelete wrote: »

Well no obviously they shouldn't.

They can and they have - it is not for others to judge what a person should or should not do with their own money.

gingin_2

I honestly think you need to try and distract yourselves from this, because it will only make you bitter. The only solutions are to have it out with them which I can't see going down well, or focus on your own lives and own happiness and boosting your partner's self esteem.

Who knows what they might "offer" you in the future, maybe they have plans to balance it out in a different way? As you bought your house 4 years ago maybe they financially had other plans for that money.

As the supposed favoured child it has caused me huge amounts of upset on my behalf because I know my brother has imagined all sorts of unfairnesses that occured only in his head, so that is why I probaly look at from a different angle than most.

pleasedelete

Acc72 wrote: »

They can and they have - it is not for others to judge what a person should or should not do with their own money.

The question was if parents should treat children differently!

As a parent I am entitled to express my view. I was answering the question asked!

You clearly judged me when you made that comment!!!

*Louise*

Well, I'm one of those people who, when they have a problem with family members, tend to try and just ask the people concerned.

in your case perhaps your OH should speak to his parents himself (you should stay out of it and just offer him support) and ask why he is treated differently to his sister. Why are they constantly praising her and not bothering about him, that sort of thing. It could be that they don't even realise they are doing it. I am assuming she is the younger sibling?

Mojisola

gingin wrote: »

I honestly think you need to try and distract yourselves from this, because it will only make you bitter. The only solutions are to have it out with them which I can't see going down well, or focus on your own lives and own happiness and boosting your partner's self esteem.

It can be very hurtful when parents favour one child over another. Does your OH's low self-esteem stem from a lifetime of this treatment?

I think you need to separate yourselves from them to some extent. It does us no good to have people in our lives who affect us negatively, whether they are friends or family.

Boost your OH by showing how you, as a couple, can manage on your own resources. His sister will never have the satisfaction of knowing that she earned what she possesses.