So very angry right now!!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

joeblack066 wrote: »

I have NOT shielded her from anything - I do NOT overprotect her - I have NOT suggested at any stage that she should be kept from anything - I just would like to be able to talk to her myself about things that she could be sensitive about. Thus far, as her asthma is well controllled, added to which we have had 3 further family deaths since her dad died, I have not pointed out to her that asthma can be fatal, but now that I am aware that they will cover asthmas in school I will do so in a way that won't worry her.

If people wish to comment then I appreciate it, but please read my post first!!!!

I did, thanks. I assume you also read the bit about the condition affecting my daughter? (and probably her father, btw, who doesn't accept it, runs away from the prospect of it and is therefore more likely to shorten his lifespan because of it)

You've just said in the same post that you TECHNICALLY SHOUT AT ME (which isn't very helpful) that you aren't shielding your daughter that you haven't actually mentioned that people can die of asthma. I kind of think that counts as shielding her.




People die. It happens. Grandparents die. Aunts die. Baby brothers and sisters and Mums and Dads die. Whilst the death of her father is an awful and unusual thing, the fact that older relatives have also died isn't unusual and shouldn't be treated as a great disaster/trauma that nobody else has to deal with. It is a natural part of life, we don't have to like it, because we love those people, but we do have to accept it and face up to it, rather than try and pretend it doesn't exist or that it is in any way different to the thousands of other deaths that occur every day.



People can pick at their eyelashes because it's a habit. Not because they are going to cut themselves if a medical condition is mentioned in school. Because their eyelashes itch, they pull a bit, the itch goes, then it becomes a habit, like biting nails or worrying at a blister or scab. Some also do it as part of self harm. And some self harm as a means of control over other people.


It's very common for people to focus on one single issue as being the cause of all their problems, when it could be other things contributing, or it being the actual focusing on the issue, rather than the issue itself.



Perhaps you still are angry that your daughter went through this, perhaps you are angry that her father perhaps didn't look after himself as much as he should, perhaps you are still angry that, despite doing everything he could to take care of himself, he still died. Perhaps the way you get angry everytime it is mentioned, perhaps the way you get angry she is growing up without a father when the other kids have one, perhaps your being angry that people die and leave when you can't control it, is adding to the situation. Perhaps it is your anger at being unable to make everything perfect for your daughter, that she doesn't have the innocence you think all children have, that is adding fuel to the fire.


If there is a possibility that this could be in any way true, perhaps it would be helpful to seek assistance for yourself, as well as the help you have sought for your daughter? I don't know whether family therapy would be appropriate, whether it's bereavement counselling, whether it's CBT or even mindfullness based therapy.


But I do think it might be worth considering, as continued anger can really, really eat you up inside and destroy things in a way that the initial trauma didn't have to do.

joeblack066

And thats me gone. Bye bye you clever clever people.

Gingham_R

I don't think some people are realising the extent of what the OP is going through.

I really do have to run off in a minute so I hope what I am saying will make sense.

The OP and her daughter have been through hell. They're trying to pick up the pieces and the OP came here looking for help. I'm not sure she's found it here.

I accept some responsibility for that by being interested in and developing a train of thought that wasn't relevant to the thread and I'm sorry for that.

But I just think that very few posters have really paid attention to the trauma involved in what has happened in this family and aren't responding in a way that they would if this lady was sitting in front of them instead of behind a screen.

Joe, I'm not surprised you've decided to leave the thread. For what it's worth, I think your daughter is going to be okay. The only reason I can say this with some conviction is the way you have spoken about her and tried to fight her corner. With you standing by her, I feel sure that her pain will be lessened.

I hope you find support from CAMHS or the head or your GP or even parent partnership. And I hope that there is someone looking out for you through all this.

thatgirlsam

Gingham_R wrote: »

I don't think some people are realising the extent of what the OP is going through.

I really do have to run off in a minute so I hope what I am saying will make sense.

The OP and her daughter have been through hell. They're trying to pick up the pieces and the OP came here looking for help. I'm not sure she's found it here.

I accept some responsibility for that by being interested in and developing a train of thought that wasn't relevant to the thread and I'm sorry for that.

But I just think that very few posters have really paid attention to the trauma involved in what has happened in this family and aren't responding in a way that they would if this lady was sitting in front of them instead of behind a screen.

Joe, I'm not surprised you've decided to leave the thread. For what it's worth, I think your daughter is going to be okay. The only reason I can say this with some conviction is the way you have spoken about her and tried to fight her corner. With you standing by her, I feel sure that her pain will be lessened.

I hope you find support from CAMHS or the head or your GP or even parent partnership. And I hope that there is someone looking out for you through all this.

I think you are underestimating the experiences some posters on this thread have been through!

Watching my Dad die of lung cancer when I was 13 wasn't a walk in the park, let me tell you!

Bad, bad, horrendous things happen to people, ALL the time.. I wish they didn't, but they do

Its how you deal with it afterwards that counts

Person_one

It sounds like the OP and her daughter could both benefit from a little bit of help in coping with their loss and its repercussions. I don't know if she's still reading, but if she is I would suggest getting in touch with Cruse or going to their GP.

Gingham_R

thatgirlsam wrote: »

I think you are underestimating the experiences some posters on this thread have been through!

Not at all, thatgirlsam. I'm very sorry for what you went through. I don't doubt that lots of people reading and contributing to this thread have been through terrible things. That doesn't change my opinion.

globetraveller

JB
I think you and your daughter need help together. The anger is really more than what you put in your OP. I think you are at the end of your tether. Seriously, have you someone close you can open up to? Could you speak to your doctor about any counselling for both of you? Sometimes those looking in from the outside see more than those in the thick of it all. Good luck with everything,

thatgirlsam

Gingham_R wrote: »

Not at all, thatgirlsam. I'm very sorry for what you went through. I don't doubt that lots of people reading and contributing to this thread have been through terrible things. That doesn't change my opinion.

That 'we' don't realise what she/they are going through?

I disagree totally, I would say I have far more of an idea what the daughter is going through

Having a parent die when you are a child is something you can only imagine... if you have never experienced it.

I understand the OP trying to protect her daughter too, but I find that a little misplaced

Finding ways for her to cope would be much better

I wish someone had done that for me!!

meritaten

I forgot how very literally people take posts!
of course I dont mean that other subjects such as history, geography etc should be dropped from the curriculum! I adored History and Art myself.
I just meant that there are so many subjects on the curriculum that the basics dont get enough time!
I also dont see why specific illnesses should be concentrated on. Thats all I meant! after all - there are so many of them..........why single certain ones out? I agree with joeblack that this could be a minefield and will explain why.
I had TB as a toddler and in secondary school (history - I believe) we were discussing illnesses and 'consumption' came up. This was the old name for TB and most of the class knew that I had suffered from it. (I was the only one who didnt have the TB jab).
The teacher mortified me by saying that TB was caused by damp dirty cramped housing conditions and the class of course all took the P out of me! believe me nothing could be further from that - mum was so houseproud it was scary!
Confession time over - but thats the reason I am dead against the discussion of 'diseases' by teachers - most of them dont know their arese from their elbow about disease and medicine - so if you want your kids to know about specific diseases, ask a medical health professional!

PS - TB can also be passed on person to person!

Oldernotwiser

Gingham_R wrote: »

It's not overprotective. It's what any good mother would do.
.

Wouldn't a good parent have approached this subject with a child before the age of 14?