Am I being too sensitive?

Keriss

I'm posting under a different user name, because I use the other one all over the web, and am paranoid that one of my friends will find that I'm asking about them!

We have a group of friends that we've known now for about 9 years, and we're all pretty close and get together as often as we can, despite living quite far apart. For a long time we were the only ones with enough space to squeeze everyone in, so we were always the hosts for these 'get-togethers'. One friend lives much closer than the others and it's safe to say that she's my best friend, though as we've been struggling with infertility, and she's not interested in such things, we've probably drifted a bit this past year, or so, and are not as close as before - no falling out, just not seeing each other as much.

One of the other couples got a place of their own, about 2 years ago, that's about the same size as ours and we were looking forward to visiting them, as well as continuing to put them up here. That's only happened once, though they happily visit us whenever we ask and there's been no unfriendliness on either side - any time we've seen them we've got on really well, just as usual.

I'm now 6 months pregnant, and haven't seen my best friend for months, even though I've suggested it many times, she's just been too busy. I suspect that the fact that I can't drink, and have a 'good time' may be putting her off, as she does enjoy herself the most with a drink. She was however able to go out with the female half of the other couple, for a girly night out that, somehow, I wasn't invited to - I did ask (nicely) and they both said they had thought that the other had asked me, this may be true as they made no secret of the fact they were going out and did discuss it on FB etc. Again I suspected that my pregnancy might be the issue and tried not to dwell on any perceived thoughtlessness.

The other couple have hosted others of our friends a few times now, and not included us, we assumed that it was probably that these people lived closer than us, and tried not to take it personally, though it would have been nice to be asked!

As a sort of 'last hurrah' (for a while anyway) before having the baby, we decided to ask everyone to stay, just like old times. Everyone happily accepted and we were looking forward to it very much. However we just discovered that the other couple have asked all the others to stay with them the weekend before, and have not asked us, or even mentioned it before now - it's so strange, all the same people, just the week before - why would they do this? I'd normally assume that I was being overly sensitive, but my husband is also a bit confused and hurt by it, so I'm thinking that maybe there's more to it. I know we'd probably still have a good time if they came to us, but perhaps childishly, I feel the shine has been taken off it.

Do they not like us, were we just a convenient place to stay all those years? I'm not planning on falling out with anyone, I'd just like to understand it all a bit more.

Cherry_Bomb

I think it depends what goes on on these weekends (car keys in a fruit bowl :cool:)

Is it just usually a quiet one in, maybe go out for dinner and few drinks in the pub or is it full on night out sessions?

Keriss

Ha! No keys in a bowl! :rotfl:

We usually stay in and chat and have a few beers, and maybe go out for lunch or do an activity during the day, or go to the pictures in the evening - it's all fairly low key. Just general socialising I'd say.

Any

I personally think that it just has to do with your pregnancy and that they are just thinking about not putting too much on you as you will be tired and being sober is not most fun around drunk people.
The fact that you have invited them and everyone happily accepted is because they feel it is on your terms and you are kind of giving a "sign" that you will cope then.

I personally would text those friends that did not invite you, whether they are upset with you for something, not as confrontation or anything but as concern and that would open line of communication over if that is the case of whether they actually thought they are being thoughtfull.

Then you will see whether they are actually friends or selfish. You better open lines of communication now as well, otherwise they will be thinking that now you have a baby you don't have time for them as well and this will continue.

Bangton

It could be to do with your pregnancy because like you say..you can't drink and when baby arrives you might be less able to go.

If it were me I think I'd ask outright...not confrontational just say you have noticed and wondered if you and hubs had done anything wrong?

Tiddlywinks

It's no good worrying about the unknown - you need to pick up the phone and just call the friends that are hosting the get together for the weekend before.

Just say you were wondering if there was any particular reason that they didn't think you'd be interested in coming along - you'll get the answer just from their reactions (much better than a text as you don't see the signals).

I don't get the whole "pregnant so not drinking = no fun to be around" - they're your friends so they should want to spend time with you or at least be interested in how you're getting along.

Are you the first couple in the group to get pregnant? Did you make a "thing" about trying and stressing about having a baby - could this have meant you had a bit of a one track conversation for a while? Are babies just not of interest to them? Will any be hot on you heels in having children. What's the general age of everyone?

You need to think about the dynamics of the group and how you used to fit in and how this might change now that you're pregnant.

So, don't worry until you know the reasons and then move on from there - if you need to there will be loads of opportunities to meet new friends at baby clubs etc and they'll be local too.

cakeadoodle

Just a quick thought - are any of the other ladies you are friends with trying to get pregnant? It may seem a silly question but I've known people who are trying to conceive withdrawing from pregnant friends because, for various reasons, they find it too painful to cope with. Me included!

When we had been trying unsuccessfully for a while, I felt almost angry when friends announced their pregnancies - not a mature reaction by any means. Whilst I was pleased for them, I felt angry at mother nature for denying me the baby I longed for and angry at myself for reacting in such a selfish manner! As a result, I found it caused less emotional turmoil to withdraw for a bit, until I straightened myself out again. It didn't occur to me at the time that by protecting my own emotional wellbeing, I was potentially hurting someone else's feelings.

It doesn't seem to matter what age you are, any kind of exclusion by friends, purposeful or otherwise, is hurtful. I do understand that you won't want to fall out with any of your friends, and you don't sound like you want to make a big deal over something and nothing.

I would be wary of a text message, as the tone of a message can easily be misinterpreted. Perhaps something best mentioned over a coffee, where the other party can see that you are not irritated, upset or having a dig.

Hopefully, the whole thing will boil down to a misunderstanding or a misguided attempt to 'help you' by not flaunting their drunkenness!

Keriss

Thanks to everyone who's taken the time to answer, it's good to have other opinions on things.

Just to answer a couple of questions:

None of our other friends are heavy drinkers, and one of them barely drinks at all, so I don't think that me not drinking bothers most of them.

Only my best friend knew of our fertility issues and, once I sensed her lack of interest, I stayed away from the topic as much as possible, which was pretty tough. The others didn't even know we were trying.

We're all in our late twenties to late thirties, we are the first in our wee group to have a child, but others in our extended group have and things have been fine. I don't know if any of them are planning on starting a family, but it only seems likely in the case of the other couple I mentioned.

I suppose that things will have to change between us all, but I don't really get why that should be before we have the baby, nor why it began to happen before we got pregnant. Maybe my nose is out of joint because we used to be the link between them all and now we're a bit of an afterthought.

I'm a big bucket of hormones just now and don't want to call them up, because I'm pretty sure I'll get all teary and emotional, which I can't see helping. I know it would maybe be for the best, but I don't think I can face it.

Edit: Meeting for coffee, would be an idea, but unfortunately they live some 3/4 hours away, so it's not so handy!

peachyprice

Do any of the others have children yet? I'm guessing no going by what you all do when you get together.

I wonder if they're excludung you now because they know once the baby is born you'll no longer fit in with the ideal weekend plans with a baby in tow that needs to be taken into account.

Or perhaps they just feel you won't be much fun to have around while your pregnant and they don't want to be tippy toeing around what you might or might not want/feel like/be able to do. People who have never been pregnant have no understanding that apart from the lump you can still function as a normal human being.

Keriss

Maybe that could be it, Peachy. Maybe they think I'm an invalid or something, I really hope it's that or thoughtlessness.

Pepzofio

Keriss wrote: »

Thanks to everyone who's taken the time to answer, it's good to have other opinions on things.

Just to answer a couple of questions:

None of our other friends are heavy drinkers, and one of them barely drinks at all, so I don't think that me not drinking bothers most of them.

Only my best friend knew of our fertility issues and, once I sensed her lack of interest, I stayed away from the topic as much as possible, which was pretty tough. The others didn't even know we were trying.

We're all in our late twenties to late thirties, we are the first in our wee group to have a child, but others in our extended group have and things have been fine. I don't know if any of them are planning on starting a family, but it only seems likely in the case of the other couple I mentioned.

I suppose that things will have to change between us all, but I don't really get why that should be before we have the baby, nor why it began to happen before we got pregnant. Maybe my nose is out of joint because we used to be the link between them all and now we're a bit of an afterthought.

I'm a big bucket of hormones just now and don't want to call them up, because I'm pretty sure I'll get all teary and emotional, which I can't see helping. I know it would maybe be for the best, but I don't think I can face it.

Edit: Meeting for coffee, would be an idea, but unfortunately they live some 3/4 hours away, so it's not so handy!

Ohhhhh, the hormones! I remember them well... When I was pregnant I managed to convince myself that one of my friends was ignoring me as she never answered her phone or replied to calls/texts. (This is despite knowing full well that she was always skint, never had any credit and could sleep through 17 alarms with her phone next to her ear!) I even managed to convince myself that she must be seeing my ex and that was why she was avoiding me (?!?! Non-pregnant me knows there is NO way this would ever have happened!)

I ended up sending a load of texts to her, asking if I had done something wrong, why wasn't she answering me, escalating up to I knew she was ignoring me and what had I done to make her hate me...

I then met up for some drinks with a load of friends and she rushed up and told me to stop being such an idiot, as she'd been sat there getting all these messages feeling awful but unable to reply as she was out of credit!

So I say RING THEM!!! As although it does sound pretty mean the way they've been acting, there could be a perfectly valid explanation - and probably is! If so, I doubt that they'll mind if you get a bit teary - they'll probably just feel awful for having made you feel that way.