is there anyone else out there that keeps debt from oh/partner?

sammy115

I have been married twice, once to a tight wad who controlled the finances to such an extent that I had to apply to social services to feed my baby! I then married a lovely bloke who has no idea about money - he doesn't even know how much he brings home. I am in debt, I haven't told him, and I am not going to. He has white coat syndrome and gets very worked up about things he cannot control. Even if we only owed £60 he would get stressed so I am not going to tell him. If I told him not only would I have to deal with my own stress but his too and it quite frankly isn't worth it.

Different horses for different courses

summerday

In debt again:

I think everyone's situation is different, you know your hubby best and how he would deal with it if he knew and have to make what you think is the best decision. But I do agree that if you have been left to sort out the money because he is reluctant, he has to take a little bit of the blame. I wonder if he knew how hard you'd been finding it to juggle everything he would change his mind and want to get more involved for both your sakes?

Please don't take this the wrong way hun, but I really wish you would change your user name (get rid of the last 2 words) as you are really putting yourself down and it makes me feel sad everytime I see it. You have made mistakes with managing your money but that is only human, you are not stupid (no more than all of us on this board anyway!). It must be hard enough for you hiding it from the OH, trying to sort it all out for your family than making yourself feel even worse.

At least you have all your friends here to confide in, that's the beauty of this board.

Best wishes, sarah xx

JohnD76

I used to have my head buried in the sand and was ashamed to tell my other half about my debt problems. I honeslty feel telling her was the best thing I have ever done since she has really helped me with the emotional aspect of it and also knew far more than me about being sensible with money.

She helped me go through options and eventually get a loan attached to my mortage (4.6%) to clear the £25K plus I owed in 5 years. Three years down the line and I have sufficient money to clear the remainder of the loan when it is out of its tie in period this July. :-) I feel like such a burden has been lifted and I am now very very sensible with my money.

We have even got a joint bank account and mortgage now!

anh1904

I tried to involve my ex-wife in the finances, I worked out that she needed to go back to work when we had kids just to break even, but she didn't want to, and when she did, she would come home crying and complaining of stress so she gave up.

The debts mounted, and I tried (in vain) to keep them from snowballing without stressing her any more about them.

As she didn't work, ALL the debts were in my name, and when we finally divorced (which I'm sure the debt contributed top the breakdown of the marriage) I was left in dire financial straights, which I allowed to worsen by paying for everything for her and the kids after I left, and lived on ever increasing debt for myself.

Anyhow, that was some 10 years back. New partner was aware of the situation before I agreed to move in with her, and we have tackled things together, successfully, ever since. We have had hiccups and frivolous spending every now and then, but the trend is the right way, and we have debts less than half they were when I separated, and the figure is decreasing ever more rapidly lately as we have managed to find alternative extra incomes, matched betting opportunities, etc.

So, not sure whether I really was responsible for hiding it form OH originally, or she was at fault for not wanting to listen/know ... but ultimately, it was a factor in ending the relationship.

in_debt_again_but_dealing_with_it

As I suspected there are quite a few of us who haven't told our partners/oh about debt for whatever reason. As long as the debt is repaid, however it is handled, that is the main thing - my main reason for not telling is my family and they will always come first. We've never been extravagant (where did all that money go???) so the kids have always been used to making do and mending as it were. Thanks for your thoughts everyone.

in_debt_again_but_dealing_with_it

"Please don't take this the wrong way hun, but I really wish you would change your user name (get rid of the last 2 words) as you are really putting yourself down and it makes me feel sad everytime I see it. You have made mistakes with managing your money but that is only human, you are not stupid (no more than all of us on this board anyway!). It must be hard enough for you hiding it from the OH, trying to sort it all out for your family than making yourself feel even worse"

Thanks Saraht have tried to change my user name in the past but seems the only way is to quit MSE and then re-register.?

scorpioto

Hi folks, I have not told my O/H not because of what might happen, to be honest I doubt things would change between us, the reason I have not told her is it's my problem, I caused it now I will be the one to suffer not her, well I am trying to live life as normal as possible, this will probably result in it taking longer to be debt free but thats my choice. Everybody has different views and good luck to everyone whatever decision they take.

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richardvc

This is something close to my heart - I never revealed any of my debts to my OH before we moved in together.

But as debt does, it got out of hand and I couldn't cope and ended up spilling the beans on a tearful and upsetting day. My LBM really hit home but once it was all revealed a huge weight disappeared.

The long and the short of it.......she knew anyway but just didn't know how much.

She was / is so supportive and was never judgemental which made such a difference. Out of all this adversity it made our relationship open and honest and I know that I can go to her with my problems.

The good news is now she shares my pleasure as the debt reduces and I have her total support and respect in the way I have tackled my debt problems.

Telling my OH worked for me / us and it lifted a great weight off my shoulders.

tigzem

My Mum doesn't know and neither does my BF - I'm ashamed of the financial mess I'm in - Mum does know I've not got good credit but she doesn't know the extent of it. (I don't yet for that matter....lol)

I've been thinking about telling them but think will carry on without them knowing, Mum would only worry.

I'll see how things go for now before I think about telling either of them x

summerday

I changed my username and had to email MSE to get it done, can't remember who exactly it was that did it but maybe try the link at the top of the page where it says 'email webmaster' as a first port of call, maybe someone else can remember.

sarah x