is there anyone else out there that keeps debt from oh/partner?

in_debt_again_but_dealing_with_it

I'm curious about whether anyone else keeps their debts hidden from their partner/oh. I have run up serious debts in the last 3 years and finally took my head out of the sand and am currently setting up a dmp with cccs. However my oh knows nothing of this, I have always looked after the money and despite trying to include him in the distant past he's not really interested so I've always "gone it alone". I won't go into my carelesness with money its covered by my (much) earlier posts but suffice to say I'm not sure our marriage could survive this revelation and for the children I must carry it. rightly or wrongly this is the path I've chosen. I did pluck up the courage to reveal all in November but a family disaster stopped me (again in an earlier post) but it did make me face my finances and deal with them. I'm currently studying for a degree and with my cccs dmp should be debt free in 7 years. I know most/all of you must think I'm mad/bad for not including him but it honestly wouldn't help and would almost certainly aggrevate my situation further - so I intend to continue going it alone. I know things change and maybe down the line I'll tell him but for now you lot are all I've got:A !! Anyone else out there dealing with anything similar?

loubie_lou

My parents know i'm in debt but not by how much that i've finally announced on my debt diary (16.5k).

I've no intention of telling them either, they'd be so disapointed in me....I'm disapointed in me as well......

in_debt_again_but_dealing_with_it

ditto to that loubie - I feel shame and disappointment too!!

Skint_Catt

My boyf doesn't know - although my debt isn't 'serious' it does play on my mind a lot.

He's noticed I refer to this site a lot, use vouchers a lot and BOGOF when I can. :rotfl:

I'd like him to know and help me, but he earns well over twice what I do and doesn't understand my situation

Catt xx

lynsayjane

awww hugs to the both of you. don't ever feel disappointed in yourself, you made a mistake but the good news is your learning from it and dealing with it, if you buried your head in the sand and did nothing then you could feel shame!

IF your husbands and kids could see what your doing they'd be proud and you'd be a fantastic example of facing up to your mistakes, it would also teach them not to do debt.

i don't have an oh to share the burden, my folks do know i'm in debt and they know how much (was only about 4k at the worst), they also think the moves i've made to get debt free have been fab and i know they are very proud of me

Debt147

I kept mine from my fiance but then I decided to confess, he now knows I'm in debt but does not know the exact figure because he didn't ask what the figure was. Before I told him it felt like I was keeping a dirty secret, felt very guilty.

helping_hubby

Hi,

I'm on the other end of the stick here....I am the one who didn't know the extent of my husbands debts.

He finally told me in January when he had no choice as we were in the middle of applying for a mortgage.

I personally think secrets like these shouldn't be kept from OHs. When I found out I felt so betrayed, let down, and now we've got a long way to go to build the trust up again. I think it'd be a matter of time before any OH would eventually find out and that would be far worse. I can't say how I would have felt if my husband hadn't admitted everything to me and I'd found out by finding a credit card statement or something.

We're working through this together now. It's taken me some time to get across to him that we're a team, we're married and that I can share his problems.

That probably doesn't help. But thought I'd just get my feelings across.

helping_hubby

Before I told him it felt like I was keeping a dirty secret, felt very guilty.

This is pretty much what my hubby said. He is a changed person now, such a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders.

EnglishBrainIrishHeart

in_debt_again_and_stupid wrote:

I'm not sure our marriage could survive this revelation and for the children I must carry it. rightly or wrongly this is the path I've chosen.

If you keep the truth from him, do you not worry that when he does find out - and he will - your marriage will not survive anyway. At the risk of alienating you, your marriage must be on rocky ground if you cannot put your cards on the table and ask that he
1. Understand and,
2. Help you out of this situation.

Or would you be pleasantly surprised and he come on board and help you out? It seems you are stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea, get your swimsuit on and dive in.

My partner hid some debt from me - and I from her, then when she lost her job it became cards on the table time for us because we had just lost more than half of our income (she was the main breadwinner) and to top it off she found out soon after that she was preganant, with little or no hope of finding another job for the foreseeable future. We sat down and put on one piece of papaer what we owed each and collectively, and yes we S**t our pants. But we cut back, made budgets and set about the slow and painful process of paying it all off. We are more than 3 years into the process and have done well we feel especially as my wife has not returned back to work since

My suggestion would be to tell him, but you must do it in a way that is both frank and truthful, but also in a way that will stop him from falling out with you. I genuinley believe that the longer you leave it, the harder it will become to continue hiding it, because you have to face the debt someday. And if he is turned down for services because of the financial mess you have got him onto, what will his reaction be?

Hope I do not copme across wrong in this, but lioke any addition, admitting that there is a problem is the first step in beating it.

EBIH

Becauase Beating up Bushes is for the Insane!

in_debt_again_but_dealing_with_it

I do agree with you, helping hubby, however after 23 years of marriage I'm pretty certain me revealing all wouldn't help. TBH I think he is aware things are going on, particularly as I spend so much time here(!) but prefers "not to know" if you understand what I mean - in his case I think ignorance really is bliss! If he were to ask I would definately tell him! And yes it does feel like a dirty secret!

*zippy*

I kept my debt hidden for years, Dh had been on that he wanted to move house, but I kept making excuses, eventually we saw a lovely house and I had to own up. I then racked it up again and after my LB moment told him, it did feel like a huge weight had been lifted and after hitting the roof he was great. I do understand though that everyones marriage is different and only you can judge how they will react.