is there anyone else out there that keeps debt from oh/partner?

in_debt_again_but_dealing_with_it

English I agree with all you say and certainly don't take offence I was expecting replies like yours. However you must understand my oh deals with NO money at all - apart from what he gets out for groceries, petrol etc. I have always dealt with it all, he has never applied for anything, its always been me - we have a joint account etc, the debts however are in my name! It suits him that way and I've just gone along with it - tried a few times in the past to include him but he prefers me to get on with it!

Sloppy_Saver

It seems to me that this is a case of "six of one and half a dozen of the other". Sure you're naughty for running up the debts, but then your partner has had no involvement and no interest in your joint financies so can't really complain if things go wrong. If you had had some support from your partner right from the "get go", maybe you wouldn't be in the state you are now.

I'd continue with your current approach and leave him in the financial blissful ignorance that he seems to prefer.

in_debt_again_but_dealing_with_it

Thank you sloppy saver I think you've hit the nail on the head!

EnglishBrainIrishHeart

Sloppy_Saver wrote:

It seems to me that this is a case of "six of one and half a dozen of the other". Sure you're naughty for running up the debts, but then your partner has had no involvement and no interest in your joint financies so can't really complain if things go wrong. If you had had some support from your partner right from the "get go", maybe you wouldn't be in the state you are now.

Here Here. Ignorance os no excuse in a court of law so why should it be over familial finances! Inthink it is time that the burden of debt is split two ways!

HHH_2

everyone deals with their problem in different ways. I didnt tell my Oh and yes it was stresseful keeping it a secret and all the I'm ashamed/stupid/immature feelings applied and maybe still do. But once Id done something about it I finally at least told him I had debt but was dealing with it. I still havent told him how much and probably never will and I have a DMP for 9 years so you can imagine it's a large amount of money. I dont know if I will ever tell him the extent of my problem and I recognise that's about me not him. I know everyone on here always advises one to share it but some people find that too difficult, I'm gonna have to go it alone I think because I cant bring myself to do it any other way. If that's a daft way of doing it so be it but it's what I'm happy with at the moment.

pollyanna24

My bf has nothing to do with money in our household and he is happy that way. I even trotted off to the mortgage person with his payslips because he couldn't (wouldn't) come with me.

Having said that, I do ask his opinion on things. Mostly he says, "ooh, I don't know, whatever," but I do like to keep him aware of what is going on.

He doesn't even have to worry about groceries or petrol, all he has to worry about is whether his "pocket money" keeps him going! Before I get slated for this, I find it works well for us. He's not an idiot, I'm just obsessive and would rather do things my way. I do appreciate that if we ever split up, he probably wouldn't have a clue what to do, but we wouldn't be together, not my problem. :rotfl: (prob not the best way to think of it).

I definitely would tell him though if I couldn't manage and we would figure out a way to get through it together. The reason he has nothing to do with our finances is because he is not interested and the reason he has "pocket money" is because he is no good with money. Pretty much all the debt we accumulated was because of him.

nickyhutch

I "do" all our money - and debt. My OH knows exactly what's going on, and I'm glad he does. All our money has been pooled since he moved in, and so has our debt. We don't owe huge amounts and it's in control, but if he didn't know about it, he wouldn't know that we just CAN'T afford some stuff. It's good to have us both on board; it makes the fight that little bit easier. If I'd kept him out of the picture, he'd have been mightily annoyed, I suspect, and would have felt a little patronised. He's a big boy, he can handle bad news.

Just read yours, Polly, and agree. OH doesn't get pocket money, we just have cash for the week and it sits on the window sill as a sort of "take what you need" pot, and he doesn't take much! I spend way more than he does on myself. Seems to work for us.

SarahNeedle1872

I agree with polyanna24 and nickyhutch. My OH is not really interested in what he calls 'boring stuff' which is basically anything that involves household finances!. However, he is more than aware of how much debt we have, as it belongs to both of us. He knows I surf this site daily, he knows I budget, and he knows he has to ask me if he wants money..... But he also knows that if we want to clear out debts, get some serious saving done and get on the property ladder, this is the way to go.
Yes he moans sometimes that he feels like a child when he has to ask for money, but it only lasts a couple of hours before his senses kick in. As said in polyanna24 and nickyhutch's posts, that's what works for us. I can't imagine the burden of trying to keep debt secret from my OH, because I couldn't make a big enough difference on my own, it takes both of us to have our MSE heads on.
Everyone's situation is different. If that's what works best for you, then stick with it. BUT you may be surprised by his reaction if you say 'Look, this is how much debt we have, but this is what we are gonna do about it'. Marriage is about two people, if he loves you and is commited to you and the family, I'm sure after the intial shock, everything will work out.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do x

PercyPig

I am in the camp that hasn't told their OH either. I am not proud of keeping this a secret from him but my justification to myself is that we are not married and nor do we have a joint account. I can manage my repayments without it infringing on our lifestyle and while that continues, I don't feel the need to tell him. He has been through a hard time healthwise and I don't want to add any more stress for him. And he would feel that he should help me out with the repayments and I don't want that. The debt is mine, I had it before I had him, and I need to work through paying it back by myself.

So I totally understand why anyone hasn't told their partners.

Sloppy_Saver

The arrangement that I have with my other half is that we have a joint account for our salaries to be paid into and then use our personal bank accounts for bills.

My account has all of the of the direct debits set up in there (mortgage, council tax, insurance) and we pay a fixed amount into it at the start of the month to cover that. My missus's account is used to buy food for us all and clothes for the kids, so again we pay a fixed amount into there at the start of the month and she runs that budget. Of the remainder, a set amount goes into the offset mortgage account and the rest is frittered away. This seems to work for us and so we never seem to argue about money (plenty of other things, just not money).

Thinking about it though, neither of us have access to each others accounts and so maybe I have run up a huge debt in my account and she in hers. Thinking about it some more, maybe Pollyanna is my wife and I've just slagged myself off in an earlier posting!!!

Just shows that you can't get complacent!!