"Banter" makes me want to quit my job.

Keen_Young_Learner

I tend to get made fun of by some of the males that I hang around with, but I really can't handle banter. I think it can be like a kind of socially acceptable bullying.

I work a second job in a pub to pay my way through uni. I work every day of the week and I'm knackered, but the pub job pays me a lovely 300 quid a month on top of my other incomes, and the money is welcome.

Just lately though, the atmosphere at work is uncomfortable and I'm not enjoying myself there as much. All of my colleagues are good friends of mine, (at least I thought so...). I live with one of them, and consider the others to be great mates, going out with them on weekends and going to them for advice when I need it.

Last night, having finished a long shift at 2am, I stayed behind to have a drink with everyone before going home, which I often do. One of my friends hadn't been working that night and so had had quite a few glasses, so he was a bit squiffy. When I started to collect my stuff to get going, the boys offered me another drink, to which I replied, "ah, no thanks, I'll be drunk and then the truth will all pour out!". My slightly fou friend responded with "I like the sound of that. How about we tell the truth tonight, about how we feel for one another, let's say out loud what we both know" I laughed it off, but he insisted he'd count to three and say what he felt, saying that he was sure I felt the same. After the count of three he said "we have a mutual dislike for one another"
...
This is in a room full of 7 people, who all laughed and found it hilarious. I was clearly hurt though because I have no idea if my "friend" was joking. But:
If he was joking, that's a mean and cruel joke to play.
If he wasn't joking, what a humiliating way to let me know that he doesn't consider me a friend.

Frankly, I don't want to be this guy's mate any more, because I'm genuinely hurt and upset by what he said. My manager texted me after I left to say that he saw that I was upset and that he hoped I was alright, but didn't let me know if I am generally disliked by the group. I'm a pretty anxious person anyway and have been pretty shaken up by this, I am now questioning whether my colleagues even like me at all.

I know that a lot of people will think I'm overreacting but this has really freaked me out. I don't know how to raise this with my colleague without him just making fun of me or claiming I'm boring just because I'm no good at banter.

Any advice would be welcome, I'm not keen on quitting and loosing the extra income!
KYLxxx

Lotus-eater

Sounds like you've got a good manager there, I wouldn't quit, you have a good job.

You just can't get on with everyone you meet or work with. Don't take it to heart, it's just another of life's skills you are learning. I'm certain you're not disliked by the whole group.

Don't forget he was drinking, but he may not like you, I would ask him tbh, next time you are alone and if he doesn't, then don't worry about it and stop thinking of him as a friend, just someone you work with, that you have to put up with. We've all had plenty of those.

CH27

You will always have work mates who you find difficult.
I would put my head down & concentrate on wor& the money. Try not to brood over it as that will upset you.

Mandles

For him to say "we have a mutual dislike for one another" and everyone laughing, sounds like maybe you give off that you dont like him and they can see that so dont take it as a one sided thing if you can.

Sounds very hurtful though . I would just take it that you now know how you stand with him and him alone and just be polite and give nothing more as i am sure he is not important to you and you have real friends and they are all that matter. Sounds an a hole anyway and who knows, could be one at the next job you go to.

Dont let it get to you. He probably does not REALLY know you so his opinion is unimportant, it is true friends that count!

Padstow

I think his remark was meant to be ironic. The expectation would be to be maudlin after heavy drinking and say "I really like you" so he said the opposite.
Keep at it, with the socialising. It gets easier the more you do it.
Your boss must think very highly of you to have been so concerned.
ETA. I re-read and maybe his remark was preempting what you may say.
So next time just refuse another drink and say goodnight. Not that the truth may out if you stay.

gingin_2

I used to work in a very bawdy bar and the late lockin's were legendary for snipes and falling outs - the combination of tiredness, alcohol, hormones would get it all started.

I think your manager sounds pretty special if they were perceptive enough to see you were hurt.

Practice your witty putdowns and chuckle at yourself roleplaying them in your head.

Do you think he might fancy you?

Hanging_by_a_thread

Keen_Young_Learner wrote: »

Last night, having finished a long shift at 2am, I stayed behind to have a drink with everyone before going home, which I often do. One of my friends hadn't been working that night and so had had quite a few glasses, so he was a bit squiffy. When I started to collect my stuff to get going, the boys offered me another drink, to which I replied, "ah, no thanks, I'll be drunk and then the truth will all pour out!". My slightly fou friend responded with "I like the sound of that. How about we tell the truth tonight, about how we feel for one another, let's say out loud what we both know" I laughed it off, but he insisted he'd count to three and say what he felt, saying that he was sure I felt the same. After the count of three he said "we have a mutual dislike for one another"

Banter is normally an exchange of light, playful, teasing and good natured remarks. Not very successfuly carried off when drunk. It can be alot of fun so long as it doesn't get over personal to anyone in the group.

From what you describe in your post I sensed a bit of bravado from your drunk mate. He was no doubt feeling full of himself and confidant whilst tanked up. I honestly thought whilst I was reading that I would get to the end of his speach and he was going to declare how much you felt for each other. I do feel that as he was talking he sensed you were feeling embarrassed and a little annoyed with him. So he backtracked, thinking you probably did feel angry with him and then said 'we have a mutual dislike for one another'.

I think the others laughed because they saw him make a muppet of himself. I dont think they were laughing at you. Sometimes people laugh because they are embarrassed by someone, rather than finding them funny.

You know him best of course. If you are going to have to be in close contact with each other for some time then have a chat with him, tell him how his remark made you feel and clear the air.

Gingham_R

Padstow wrote: »

I think his remark was meant to be ironic. The expectation would be to be maudlin after heavy drinking and say "I really like you" so he said the opposite.
Keep at it, with the socialising. It gets easier the more you do it.
Your boss must think very highly of you to have been so concerned.

I think this is most likely too - just someone turning the expected 'I love you mate/you're my best mate, mate' type drunken outpouring into the opposite for an easy laugh.

I don't think it necessarily means anything.

For what it's worth, I hate 'banter' too. I don't always get it and look for the subtext all the time. Often there is no subtext - it's just people trying to make each other laugh and sometimes saying some pretty stupid and hurtful things in the process.

Mandles

Wanted to add aswell that i love studying people and find people fascinating and this sounds totally bizarre but is there any possibility that you may have "liked" him at any point or he "liked" you? As i wonder if it is one of those love hate relationships that could easily go the exact oppostite way???

edit. Great minds think alike, someone else has said the same i see.

barbiedoll

That's the first thing I thought of too!

desert_rose

Don't take it to heart, a little light banter after a few drinks doesn't mean anything. I read it as him saying what he said as an invite for you to say 'Oh no! I really like you!'.

Men can be a bit odd like that you know.

Adopt a carefree attitude next time you see him, be pleasant and un-fazed and act as if nothing has upset you.

When you get a chance, ask him if he really meant what he said as you'd always thought of him as a good friend and you're rarely wrong about people.

It might just get any issues out into the open but my bet is that he really likes you.