Just dont know what to do anymore

Poly,put_the_kettle_on

I'm currently on the freedom programme. Much of what you're saying about your OH's behaviour is ringing alarm bells.

I was scared about being a single parent. In the split, I've "lost" one of my daughters (and consequently the grandson I've spent vast amounts of time caring for this past year) But I've also seen my youngest start to blossom. There is laughter in the house these days.
You would probably find that you'd have so much more energy for your son when you're not having to cope with the demands & pressures of living with your man-child.

BitterAndTwisted

He sounds like a nasty piece of work. I got the distinct impression that he's suggested counselling because he disgusts you so much that you can't bear to have sex with him. And he thinks that with everything else going on that counselling will somehow make you want to satisfy his demands? And actually desire to be intimate with him? Do you see that this all sounds like him, him, him and nothing to do with his behaviour and how it has alienated and hurt you?

I would very strongly suggest that you think very hard about asking him to leave and sort his own problems out for himself elsewhere because you're tired of them being inflicted on you. There are far, far worse things than being a single-parent family. Having an alcoholic partner around is one of them

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Threatening to hurt your children if you get rid of him?


Wailing about how awful his life is?

Wanting you to get psychiatric help so he can roll on, do his business (which won't take long and will be hardly noticeable anyway, thanks to the alcohol) and roll off again?




Come on, you know the answer. Lose the scum and find yourself a life.

faerie~spangles

He's not hiding his drinking from the children. The children can smell it from him, his breath and from his/your bedroom.
They will also be able to tell by the expression on his face and his voice.

You mentioned:

he then said if we split he would never see the kids again as it would be "too hard on him"

That is emotional blackmail.

If he chooses not to see his children that is his choice and his alone. You are not responsible for his choices.

If you really have had enough, it is time to start making plans for life without him.

He doesn't have you over a barrel.

He's pushing buttons and manipulating you.

Maz

I don't know if you followed Sqeeky's thread about her alcoholic partner but here's the link.

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3643441

I don't think there were any children involved in Sqeeky's experience but if I remember correctly, some of the behavioural patterns might resonate with you i.e. emotional blackmail, selfishness etc.

Speaking as someone who had an alcoholic brother, I agree with a previous poster who said that alcoholism is a 'family disease/illness', it eventually affects everyone who is in close contact with the alcoholic. I haven't the words to express the amount of misery alcoholics cause to those closest to them.

HTH

Padstow

jordygal wrote: »

Thank you for your replies its good to see from an outside perspective, the thought of being a single mother terrifies me, He manages to hide his drinking from the kids, ie. only at night when they are in bed. so they dont see the problem, so i would look like the one breaking up the family, but even if he quit, which i dont think would ever happen (tried AA, gp referred him to alcohol counseller, tablets and all failed) he'll drink 2 bottles of wine either 3 or 4 times a week and dosnt really acknowledge there to be a huge problem. he says he loves me so much and cant live without me but i dont know if i would ever love him again, maybe i just need to grow a pair and suggest a few weeks apart? sorry i know this sounds like im ignoring all your advice

Your children will know. I thought I'd kept my ex's serial adultering from our daughter. When we parted, she told me she'd always known from the age when she first understood such things.

faerie~spangles

Once you are true to yourself and decide that you no longer want to live with your husband, believe me you will fell like a weight has been lifted off of your shoulders.

Once I came to my senses it took me 3 years to actually leave with the children.

I got a place in college, he went mad and threw my books out to the garden. LOL my son retrieved them and hid them in the freezer.

I slept downstairs on the sofa, stopped cooking for him. In fact I ignored him. He was also financially abusive would not give me money for food or the children.

Two weeks after I moved out of the family home I was served with a repo order on the family home. I knew nothing of the state of our finances. More fool me!

So it seems that had I stayed we would have been made homeless and it was all down to his drinking.

To say I was terrified of being a single parent does not even come close. However I persuaded myself that I had been for years.

kay74

jordygal wrote: »

Thank you for your replies its good to see from an outside perspective, the thought of being a single mother terrifies me, He manages to hide his drinking from the kids, ie. only at night when they are in bed. so they dont see the problem, so i would look like the one breaking up the family, but even if he quit, which i dont think would ever happen (tried AA, gp referred him to alcohol counseller, tablets and all failed) he'll drink 2 bottles of wine either 3 or 4 times a week and dosnt really acknowledge there to be a huge problem. he says he loves me so much and cant live without me but i dont know if i would ever love him again, maybe i just need to grow a pair and suggest a few weeks apart? sorry i know this sounds like im ignoring all your advice

I could have written your post - the drinking (a bottle of wine with dinner, followed by Jack Daniels, rum, anything else in the cupboard) til bedtime. HOlidays where I may as well have been on own as he was hungover every day. Crying on phone to lovely AlAnon lady every weekend etc etc. He threatened to leave so often and I was a bit scared of being by self with child, but it could never have been as bad as living with him. So, I went for counselling (I needed something to make me brave!) and next time he said was leaving as was fed up with me going on about drinking / being a pig / whatever I said "ok, when"?! To prove me wrong he hired a lorry, cleared out my house (everything!) and moved out. Best day ever - I have not cried a single tear in the last 3 years. Yup, it is hard, but can you see yourself in 5/10/15 years time still with him.
I know it is so hard to be brave, but part of that is because your confidence will be low (I'm sure you are told "it's you that makes me drink", as well as all the other stuff I'd get - I was rubbish in bed (ew - drunk man!!!), I'd never find anyone else etc etc).
Good luck to you - it is so hard, but if I could give you any advice it is to look after yourself and your kids - for me that meant having the counselling to be strong enough to do this, and telling people the truth (not the usual rubbish I'd tell them to cover for the drinking/ control etc etc that I was subject to).
Loves.

jordygal

thanks for all the replies, I'm glad to know i'm not alone in this situation. We have had a long talk and I said that the drinking stops and his behaviour changes or that is it. I've explained how I feel about feeling I no longer love him as the drinking has destroyed my feelings for him, and that i really will kick him out if our life continues as it has been doing. He seems desperate to change to stop us from going. I know it is going to be hard as alcoholics cannot just stop as easily as that, he's promised to go back to AA and try again ( the higher power stuff he just couldnt get his head round) I think he knows this is me really meaning it this time, as in my eyes it really is the last chance

Padstow

Years ago on here there was a long running thread about drinking and AA.
Some posters felt like your H, regarding the higher power stuff. One or two swore by AA and went to many meetings a week, which can cause it's own problems.
When some got in really deeply, they almost turned against their spouse, saying they couldn't possibly understand them like their friends at AA.
It struck me that for AA to work, it almost has to become more important than anything else. That may not suit you both, so why not get him to see his GP first? A lot more counselling is available on the NHS now.
Good luck with it all. http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/alcohol/Pages/Alcoholsupport.aspx