Just dont know what to do anymore

jordygal

i want to post for some advice between me and OH, we have been married for 12 years and have 2 kids, 5 and 7. Things have not been going well for a few years now. He has been an alchoholic for most of the marriage, although a "functioning one" I guess. For years I have put up with him in a drunken state, his hungover write off days, promises never to drink again, and the name calling I sometimes get if I argue with him whilst he is drunk.

when sober he is preoccupied with himself and his problems, the world has always seemed to revolve around him. I never get cuddles when Im down or asked what I've been up to during the day, I feel he is just not interested in knowing. I dread when he comes home from work as I have to listen to his ranting on about work problems for the rest of the evening. I try to show interest but after 2 hours of uninterupted raving on it just feels like a drill at my head.

I feel I no longer love him anymore, as years of his behaviour has eroded it. Last night , Whilst drunk,he said that he dosnt care, i dont care so we should divorce. this felt a relief to hear him say it. He then said that I am repulsed by him and dont want s e x with him and this is a big problem for him as he needs it. the thought of his hands on me leaves me cold, and i feel i can no longer do it to please him anymore. he then called he all sorts of awful names and basically said what a cow i am to live with.

Now i know i should walk away but he then said if we split he would never see the kids again as it would be "too hard on him" I love my kids to death and it would break their hearts if he disappeared, also my 7 yr old has severe learning dificulties and i dont know how i would cope alone as he gets older as his behaviour is incredibuly challenging. I guess i would have to give up my job which i love and worked hard for many years to get, if he vanishes i would have no childcare, i work shifts and nights and would be my sons carer, as he wouldnt fit into after school clubs etc

So now he says he loves me and we should have counselling, but when i dont love him can it help our relationship? i feel as if hes got me over a barrel and i am trapped. if his behaviour towards me improved we could muddle by for the sake of the kids but i dont know if i would ever want the physical side of the relationship which he says he wants so much.

thanks for reading.any advice?

bridgend_girl

I'm sending you a big hug and some good advice too I hope.

Life is not a rehearsal-you need to have some quality of life. Saying he won't see the kids if you split is abusive controlling behaviour. You are not responsible for his actions and you must not let his threats influence your decisions. Addicts and controlling people say a lot of things that they don't follow up on in order to get what they want.

If you can visit your local women's aid centre they have a fabulous programme called the freedom programme. It's informal drop in sessions which encourage women to recognise some of the tactics and behaviour used by some partners to get what they want at the expense of their partner's own welfare, along with strategies to respond to it. If this sounds in anyway like your situation then I can recommend it wholly.

I was scared to leave my bullying ex because I wouldn't cope? I did cope and more importantly so did my kids. They are happier and more secure than they ever were in our terrible marriage. A few years down the line my only regret was that I didn't act sooner.

Incidentally please think of your own health and mental state of living with so much conflict - my GP was incredibly supportive when I also needed some help with the depression I didn't even know I had until a friend kindly pointed out that I was an unhappy shadow of my former self due to having lived on my nerves for years.

Good luck
x

belfastgirl23

Well at the minute you aren't really giving him any reason to change. You're probably smoothing over the effects of his excesses for the sake of the kids and he doesn't have to face up to them. Or to the effect his drinking is having on his family.

Truthfully I think you need to tell him to leave and that as long as he continues drinking he has no place in your family. If he stops drinking then you would be willing to go to counselling with him, with no guarantee of what the outcome would be. At the end of the day if you can no longer live with his drinking then it has to be his choice whether to drink or not.

If it helps you to reframe things, at the minute you are enabling his drinking without ever intending to or wanting to. You can only change yourself and it's up to him whether he can change himself. So what is the change you want to make in your life today?

On the other stuff, you will cope, it won't be fun for some of the time but then it isn't fun now anyway and if your DH is drinking then TBH you can't rely on him anyway. And sometimes it's easier to manage things alone than to try to manage them with someone unreliable...

daska

Sounds about right for an alcoholic - as they say, alcoholism is a family disease, it infects every aspect of how you deal with things and every decision you make. But in reality the only trap you are in is fear. If he chooses to walk away then that is HIS CHOICE. It sounds as if you need to give WomensAid a call. Good luck.



Just came back to add this LINK, just in case it changes your viewpoint where the kids are concerned.

ruthber

Well done for acknowledging the situation to yourself and not denying it anymore. He is using emotional blackmail against you. He is the loser if he chooses not to see his children. Can be tough to be a single mother (have you got friends or family nearby) but you never know what is around the corner! Good luck!

jordygal

Thank you for your replies its good to see from an outside perspective, the thought of being a single mother terrifies me, He manages to hide his drinking from the kids, ie. only at night when they are in bed. so they dont see the problem, so i would look like the one breaking up the family, but even if he quit, which i dont think would ever happen (tried AA, gp referred him to alcohol counseller, tablets and all failed) he'll drink 2 bottles of wine either 3 or 4 times a week and dosnt really acknowledge there to be a huge problem. he says he loves me so much and cant live without me but i dont know if i would ever love him again, maybe i just need to grow a pair and suggest a few weeks apart? sorry i know this sounds like im ignoring all your advice

Tamsin_Temrin

How much to the kds see of his hungover days, days written off for booze etc? Has he got progressively worse over the years, and if so, how do you see it progressing. How long will he be safe to look after them? What about when they are older and stay up after wine oclock?

Of course he says he loves you when he is sober. He loves getting meals cooked, childcare sorted, washing done.

Is his drinking having an impact on your finances? How about what you can do when not at work?

You are doing your best to do right for everyone. Try Al anon, for yourself. They help the families of alcoholics. Rethink re work etc as well. You may be able to sort out something, work round things - if he gets worse then you will not be able to rely on him. Hes relying on the bottle. This isnt your fault. See about spending a month apart, give real start and end times. See how he is away from you, see how you feel at home without worrying. hth

vasseur

jordygal wrote: »

Thank you for your replies its good to see from an outside perspective, the thought of being a single mother terrifies me, He manages to hide his drinking from the kids, ie. only at night when they are in bed. so they dont see the problem, so i would look like the one breaking up the family, but even if he quit, which i dont think would ever happen (tried AA, gp referred him to alcohol counseller, tablets and all failed) he'll drink 2 bottles of wine either 3 or 4 times a week and dosnt really acknowledge there to be a huge problem. he says he loves me so much and cant live without me but i dont know if i would ever love him again, maybe i just need to grow a pair and suggest a few weeks apart? sorry i know this sounds like im ignoring all your advice

It's not so bad being a single mother, at the moment it sounds like you are coping with everything on your own anyway. It can only be easier if you're not going to be on edge all the time and you haven't got anyone abusing you.

I know you said he hides the drinking from the kids at the moment, but how much longer can he carry on like this? There will come a time when things are much worse and he won't care about hiding it from them or they'll have sussed it out for themselves as they get older anyway.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Hanging_by_a_thread

jordygal wrote: »

He has been an alchoholic for most of the marriage, although a "functioning one" I guess. For years I have put up with him in a drunken state, his hungover write off days, promises never to drink again, and the name calling I sometimes get if I argue with him whilst he is drunk.

when sober he is preoccupied with himself and his problems, the world has always seemed to revolve around him. I never get cuddles when Im down or asked what I've been up to during the day, I feel he is just not interested in knowing. I dread when he comes home from work as I have to listen to his ranting on about work problems for the rest of the evening. I try to show interest but after 2 hours of uninterupted raving on it just feels like a drill at my head.

Now i know i should walk away but he then said if we split he would never see the kids again as it would be "too hard on him" I love my kids to death and it would break their hearts if he disappeared, also my 7 yr old has severe learning dificulties and i dont know how i would cope alone as he gets older as his behaviour is incredibuly challenging. I guess i would have to give up my job which i love and worked hard for many years to get, if he vanishes i would have no childcare, i work shifts and nights and would be my sons carer, as he wouldnt fit into after school clubs etc

The bit I have highlighted above is the main problem isn't it. He is a functioning alcoholic who sees fit to be controlling, abusive and manipulative. I have never lived with or been in a relationship with an alcoholic, so I cant imagine the strength it must take just to get through each day. By staying and not changing anything this is the best life is going to get, most likely it will get a hell of a lot worse. At the moment he has his health. If he drinks to excess as he does now then at some point that will cause him problems, which can only have a detrimental effect on family life.

Your children are growing up and seeing all this as normality, thinking this is how families exist and interact. As you seem to be fully aware he is not what you or your children desperately want or need which is a happy, respectful, loving, healthy and balanced man. This has been going on for years and it appears he has done nothing to resolve the problem.

The threat not to see the kids if you ever split was said on purpose by a man who knows it is a clever way to keep you exactly where he wants you. He knows full well it could be enough to stop you leaving him. Sadly I think in time you will come to realise that if you leave you are a single parent with two kids to raise. If you stay you are effectively still a single parent with three kids to raise (one of them being your husband). What are you prepared to tolerate from now on?

Gigglepig

I would go to counselling with him if he is up for it. Perhaps it is only a small chance that he may deal with his alcohol problem and that your feelings for each other may improve, but stranger things have happened and it may be worth a try. Then you also have the peace of mind of having tried.

The counselling may help you focus on the positive things you have shared, friendship, and build from there? Most people are not madly in love with their spouses always but can still find it worth while being together. Who knows, perhaps your feelings for him may improve if he shows you and his family more respect by dealing with the alcohol issue. This situation sounds very stressful and stress is a turn-off for most people.

If it does not work at least you know you tried. Good luck OP I hope things work out for you and that your OH can sort out his alcohol issue.

Kathy535

I was married to a binge drinking alcoholic who was emotionally and physically abusive. Like your husband, he threatened all sorts when we talked about splitting up - he was going to kill himself and DD; run away with her to Oz, just run away with her etc etc. Like you, I hated him to touch me, I despised him for his behaviour but I also pitied him a lot. I worried about how I would cope as a single parent although my situation was simpler than yours.

Anyhow, we went to Relate. He got nothing from it but I did. The counsellor i) told me that I could make the decision to leave but didn't have to implement it until I was ready which might be in 6months or 10 yrs Just making the decision would change everything - and it did. ii) she confirmed that I could do better and that not all relationships were like the one I was in.

So, having made the decision to leave I felt freed from the requirement to try in the relationship. This changed my behaviour - and this changed his behaviour, he tried more. Which sadly reinforced the fact that I didn't want to be with him. Two years after Relate we split. In this time I had sorted my life so that I could cope as a single parent. It wasn't easy initially, I felt guilty, his drinking increased and he lost his job because of it. He made all sorts of threats etc, all very messy.

Life is much better without him, although he is still in my life, he sees his DD regularly and he and I are friends. He's stopped drinking as much and has taken some responsibility for his life.

What I kept thinking was when I get to the end of my life do I want to look back and see how I've wasted my life being unhappy with someone who treats me like this? Do you?