bereavement

love_lifer

death is just !!!!. but also the only certain thing in life. counselling is usually really helpful, and some books are good- virginia ironside wrote one about her dads death- cant remember title, but v good for grief. and buddhist stuff about death i found helpful- depends what u most belive in

good luck, it does get better...

Eagle_1

I think its much harder when someone close to us dies suddenly. We dont expect it, it comes as a huge shock and can take a long time to accept what happened.
My Mother died coming up 2 years and to be honest I was releived when she died. She had lung cancer so rapidly deteriated. she stopped eating, had pain etc etc so for me I was releived, she was now at peace........thats how I saw it and still feel that way to be honest. I didnt want Mam to suffer anymore, she'd gone through enough.

Talking does help, its a great way of getting things out of your system so yeah I talk about Mam often and that helps me.

Take care and as I said things will get easier.........and yeah time is a great healer.

delhome

hi my heart goes to u. My mum died of cancer two weeks after being diagnosed. She was my big sister and an even bigger one to my daughter!!Its been a while now and we still miss her. What we do rather than get sad is to do something mad like what we would have done if she where alive.My mum was a 57 yr old going on 17.try and think of the happy and fun times rather than the bad.take care you will be ok x x x

Fizog

You are still grieving, you should mourn her especially on the anniversary - we English are so uptight about death. People do understand they just can't cope with the emotional outpouring, their problem not yours. Remember your sister will always be with you, all sorts of things will trigger connections with her from buying a tin of beans to flowers. Work with the feelings, rejoice with your memories of the good times, time will heal but it may be many years before the rawness decreases. Talk about her, share with a friend?/partner? My father died when I was 14, 30 years ago but I still talk to my kids as if he were someone they would love to meet, all the fun times we had, his silly jokes etc. It keeps him alive for me....

delhome

Fizog wrote:

You are still grieving, you should mourn her especially on the anniversary - we English are so uptight about death. People do understand they just can't cope with the emotional outpouring, their problem not yours. Remember your sister will always be with you, all sorts of things will trigger connections with her from buying a tin of beans to flowers. Work with the feelings, rejoice with your memories of the good times, time will heal but it may be many years before the rawness decreases. Talk about her, share with a friend?/partner? My father died when I was 14, 30 years ago but I still talk to my kids as if he were someone they would love to meet, all the fun times we had, his silly jokes etc. It keeps him alive for me....

We still do that. its nice to rememember the funny things. I could tell you some stories!!
I wouldnt say it gets any easier how you feel but it doesnt hurt as much, if that makes sense

millymoomoo_2

Thankyou everyone, I've had a really long talk with my partner tonight. He listens so well. All the things he's heard a million times before he's heard again tonight with no complaint.
It's so difficult. This year I turned 31. She was only 31 when she died. I keep thinking wierd things like can I still call her my older sister. I don't know.
I'm so lucky that I have a wonderful man to talk to and venting on here tonight really helped aswell. Thankyou so much everyone. X

plumduff-2

She'll always be your older sister... xxx

My dad died very suddenly and unexpecteed last year - it was very difficult to deal with and I had to take 8 weeks off work, cos I didnt want to be around people... I hardly spoke to my hubby - put on a brave face and all that... we nearly split up last year, and I put a lot of our problems on the fact that I bottled a lot of things up... So if you need to talk about her, do it...

You could also buy yourself a gorgeous book and put photos of your sister in it, and could also write down your thoughts in this - remembering happy times, bad times - you must have had plenty of fights together growing up... - turned into happy memories now though... and also how you are feeling - a sort of book of rememberence in honour of her life...

And when your feeling crap - think to yourself - what would your sister say to you now..? I did this and kept thinking... my Dad would probably tell me to get over it and/or walk out... he never did like emotional women...:D

JennyW_2

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my father 2.5 years ago and like you, still find it so hard. I think of him everyday and if I think too much then I cry so sometimes I try not to go there. I'm still having bereavement counselling. I don't think the pain will ever go, you just learn to live with it and it becomes part of your "new life". I desperately miss not having my dad around and not to have a dad now is heartbreaking. He died unexpectedly and suddenly so it's such a raw pain.

I still cant go through photographs or videos, it hurts too much but I accept that this is my healing process and I'm sure when I'm ready, I will know but until then I just go day by day hoping that as each year passes, the pain will lessen. It certainly is a life changing event and my heart goes out to you.

plumduff-2

Hi Jenny, perhaps you should set a day aside to spend on your own... a box of tissues, some comfort food and a bottle of wine...

Toast to dad and then get all the pictures out and the vieos and watch them all and look at them all... Cry your eyes out, laugh at the memories and remember your dad is always with you - in your heart... in your head...

Dont leave those photos in a box.. You need to look at them... I have a photocopy of my favorite picture of me and my dad selotaped all over my office... At first it was upsetting to look at.. but now I look at it to give me some inspiration... My dad did not have a care in the world.. did not give a monkeys about anything.. and when im feeling bad about anything, looking at his photo cheers me up.. It reminds me of where i came from, who I came from ... and as my dad would say to me 'f**k em'.... (not a typical dad obviously - but he was mine...!)

Got in a tear in my eye now - cos I keep looking up at that photo.... xxx

inkie

There will come a time when you are able to think about/talk about/laugh about/ look at photos of your loved one without crying. I lost my mum 8 years ago - i had just given birth to my DD, and so was trying to hold everything together for everyone else, and delayed my grieving because of that. I would say that I turned the corner about 3 years after her death. You never get over it, but learn to live with it. Keep those memories alive!