divorcing but I love him...........

cloverfan

Has anyone else had to divorce someone they love?

I really hurt at the moment. Long story short is we were together 16 years before seperating 3 years ago. For the past two and three quarter years I have been under the impression that we were sorting things out and were working towards him moving back in properly and us being a family again. We have children together.

Last week I found out he has had a girlfriend for the last two years hence why he was dragging his feet over moving back in, even though he said that was what he wanted.

I realise now he hasnt changed and never will and need to divorce and have as minimum contact myself with him as possible BUT I do love him No one seems to realise how I feel.

Gigglepig

I am so sorry to hear this OP. I have not been in this situation myself but if my OH ever wanted a divorce I don't know how I'd cope. Do you have anyone you can talk to about how you feel?

vintagebrighton

Not very helpful I know..... just because you love someone doesn't mean they love you back or they're good for you. Love can be destructive too. It sounds like he's moved on and you should to. Unfortunately, for reasons known only to him, he's been stringing you along not giving you the chance to move on at the same time. You will get over him given time, and you have your children...... just remember he's a first class sh*t and that should help. Look after yourself and your children, that's the best you can do right now xx

LEJC

Thats so sad that hes given you the impression that there was hope for a reconsiliation....and then moved on with his life...but he has moved on and its now time for you to look to do the same.....

Lots of luck to you...its natural you may still have feelings for him ..but hes clearly moved on and you have the chance to rebuild your life now and move on...

victory

It really is cruel of him to give you the impression he was moving back in and you were going to be able to fix things together when all that time he had a gf?

Did you just find out about his gf? Did he tell you?

flutterby_lil

Do they children still see him, ie do you have to have contact with him?

What a loser for keeping you hanging for 2 years, although personally, I would have set myself a timescale and given him an ultimatum and said it's now or never.

I really feel for you as you have just wasted the last couple of years waiting for him. Chin up, you can get through this and be happy, meet somebody else and move on. He really really isn't worth the tears and emotions from you. let his g/f of 2 years have him, he has obviously not been honest to you so I doubt he is with her.

pukkamum

I remember my mum once telling her friend many many years after divorcing my dad that she still loved him but could never live with him, and that for many years she thought they would get back together, it does still make her SAD to think what they could have had but on the other hand it makes her GLAD when she thinks of the life they could have had if you see what i mean.

I think her validation came after the failure of his fourth marriage (mum was the first) and as she says at least now she knows it wasn't her!

I think the love you have for someone never dies it just shrinks and changes and no longer takes up the same part of your heart, be strong love and know you are doing the right thing for you and your kids, i shudder when i think of how our childhood could have turned out with his lying selfish ways.

brokenlily

I doubt seriously that the guy has been telling his girlfriend of 2 years that he was on the road to a reconciliation with his wife....

My guess is that he's been hedging his bets, keeping you in hope of a reconciliation but also having his fun on the side in case he decides he wants the free and single life. Ugh.

It's understandable that you still love him, and I don't think anyone would dispute that it hurts, and I'm sure that at one time, this was a nice guy, who was good to be in a relationship with. However, this has changed now, and not for the better and you want someone who wants to be with YOU - this guy sadly doesn't. Realise your own worth, and that there will be someone out there who will appreciate you more than this a-hole.

starsteel

It's really, really horrible. My husband had an affair and we separated a few months ago. I still love him, but I'm also aware that he made a commitment that he couldn't keep. I don't want to get divorced, I don't want my husband to become my ex husband when I made a life long commitment to him, but I'm going to have to do it anyway. Cutting almost all contact helped for me, although it took a while. He wanted to be friends, but I couldn't deal with that.

Hanging_by_a_thread

16 years is an incredibly long time to be together. Then for the last 3 years, whilst seperated, you have been trying really hard to make things right. Believing this is what he wanted to. So although things weren't totally okay between you both you still loved him and hoped to sort things out.

It is only very recently that you have discovered he has had another relationship and effectively been stringing you along for the last two years. I can only imagine how that must be making you feel.

I dont know him or why he chose not to just be straight with you and move on when he met someone else. Maybe as others have suggested it is because he is a nasty, selfish individual. There is also the possibility that he was very torn and his feelings for you were as strong as for the other lady. Perhaps he didn't know whether he could give up on you or not. Love is often a very complex thing.

I dont feel that continuing in any relationship with him would be healthy. Expect to feel all manner of emotions in the next few weeks. The rug has been pulled from under you. By divorcing him you are going to be on a long hard road back to a happier more fullfilled life than you can possibly envisage right now. It will just take a lot of time

cloverfan

Thank you everyone. He has been seeing the children almost daily at my house, staying 3 or 4 nights a week. He has been on holiday with us.

Everytime we had any falling out and divorce was mentioned he said if I did that he wouldnt see our children. I have now been for the first appointment with the solicitor. I feel such a fool.

He also lied to his gf telling her we were divorced and I had a new man who wouldnt let him see the children hence why she couldnt meet them. It all came out as I got a new job and a lady there seemed really nice and was very friendly always asking me questions about him and the kids, turns out she recognised him when he dropped me off as she is really good friends with his gf. I believe the gf no longer wants anything to do with him..........but this is what he says so who knows if its true or not!!

I have asked him not to come to the house and that I will drop the children off at his house but he keeps turning up anyway.

Thank you for not judging me. x