Worried about brother

Sambucus_Nigra

Wine_of_the_World wrote: »

When I talk to him inside the house I always seem to be telling him what to do - so I'd rather talk in a different situation.

Seems like you will still be telling him what to do...

podperson

My brother is a similar age and in quite a similar situation, still living at home, fairly quiet, only had one proper girlfriend. The only thing I would say is how is your relationship with him? - does he feel like he can confide in you or does he just feel like he gets hassle about the way he lives his life. With my brother I get my mum talking to me about him saying that he's never going to move out, that he has no friends, that he doesn't meet girls etc. This worried me a little so last time I was visiting I asked him casually whether he had any plans for the new year and he started talking to me about how he was looking at moving out later in the year, about dates he had been on recently and nights out etc. He doesn't talk about any of this to my mum because she is constantly pressuring him about the way he lives and would make a huge deal about everything - because I just accept him either way he feels more able to chat to me about it.
I don't want that to come across as your brother not being able to talk to you - I'm just trying to say that perhaps if you're getting your information from your parents then there are things he doesn't tell them - especially if your mum still treats him like a child. Also if you just chat to him about his life in general and maybe his plans, rather then putting any pressure on him or criticising how he does things then he may surprise you.

lostinrates

morganedge wrote: »

What do you think he's missing out on?

For what it's worth, I know a number of people who sound a lot like your brother. Some who are few years older in fact.
Accept that we are not all the same.
To a certain extent, im possibly similar to him. Even though I have a girlfriend and live with her parents, I was single for a long time and loved my own company, and really didn't get 'bored' like almost everyone I know seems too.

Dont take him out for a drink and then spend the whole time telling him he's wasting his life. Maybe that's why he's anti-social and shy! Doesn't like going out when he knows that all that will happen is people telling him how he should be living his life.

While i agree with everyone that takiong him out and questioning him and telling hm a 'better' way to live exists and just how he can get it would be presumptious, insensitive and rude, taking hm out and saying something like'you know, we are so different, and sometimes i feel like i don't really know what you want in life and whether your happy. You would talk to me if you weren't would you? I will always be your big sister and here for you if you want to talk about anything, or have a sounding board' is no terrible thing.


Reminding people they are loved and cared about but not being pushy about n
ver hurts, but if he does decide sometime to tell you he wants something else then please try hard not to be advocating what you think is ideal from life.

bluenoseam

I'm that kinda guy, i'm certainly not "lonely" i don't miss out on anything in life, infact contrary to what you think i actually enjoy life and have no real need. If my elder sister were to suggest what you do up the top she'd be met with a stern "and what do you know about the situation?" quickly followed by me walking out of the pub, i've never had the compulsive urge to get out of the house as quickly as possible and to be honest i think that's more to do with the freedom that Mum has allowed me, i come & go as i please, i do my share of stuff around the house and for all purposes live independently while in the parental home.

i think you need to exercise caution, if you go about it like that it'll seem like you're overstepping a boundary and well, he might not take kindly to that, it could be seen as belittling his life which could cause untold problems and ultimately all for the reason you find it a little bit odd when really, there's nothing odd about it at all! He's just wired differently from you in the same way i'm wired differently from my two sisters - perhaps you should worry less about his life & concentrate on your own as ultimately THAT'S where you need to be controlling things, not in anyone elses.

TeamLowe

Wine_of_the_World wrote: »

I think he is happy - he's laid back person- but I also think he must get lonely a lot.

why? if he's happy being alone then that's not lonely. he has friends, presumably he knows where they are if he ever did get lonely. but just because he's not doing it where you can see- ie going out to see his friends- doesn't mean he's not chatting to them a lot. my DH has lots of friends who he hardly ever sees but talks to constantly online. mainly about really boring things lwhich makes me glad i don't have to go out to meet these friends with him lol x x

sashadesade

I know you're just concerned for your brother, but I think you should let him get on with it. I'm an introvert, I don't like big groups of people and find socialising very draining and will generally avoid it and do solitary activities like reading, art etc. I've had friends and colleagues who think I need to be 'brought out of my shell' and will try to force me to go to pubs and clubs, which is my idea of hell quite frankly!
Have a chat with your brother. If he really is unhappy with his lack of social life then by all means try to help him, but if he just likes to be left alone then please don't force the poor guy.

Caroline73_2

If I had a sibling who sat in judgement of my life I wouldn't be telling them anything.

So he's never had a girlfriend, maybe he's gay and is afraid to come out, maybe he's straight and is having an affair with a married woman so is keeping it secret, maybe he's having lots of one night stands, the list is endless.

What exactly are you going to say at the pub? And why? I think you need to question your own motives.

Lizzybop

Oh Goodness - at least your brother has friends.

My brother was living at home until well into his thirties. He had a job, but no social life at all. Then he left to live in a room in a shared house, but never really broke those apron strings and was always back for sunday lunch etc.

Then he took the decision to go off to university - Great, actually doing something with his life. He did used to come back during the holidays - but that's not unexpected for a univesity student. Looked like he might be getting on with his life.

However university ended - he passed, so all good, but then he came home and was unable to find work (I question how hard he looked) I mean free rent and board, you're not going to give that up in a hurry, particularly if you don't have any friends and no social life to speak of.

A year later he enroles on a masters course, which he was able to attend whilst still lodging at home - but at least he was going out every day and meeting people.

So now the masters has ended - passed that too. But is back at home, still not paying rent to parents. Isn't eligible for benefits apparently (has too much money in savings, and mum says he will need it when he gets a job and moves out)

You mentioned in your original post that your mum seems quite happy to treat him like a 14yr old. Do you think this could be the root of the problem.

I know this is the root of my brother's problem. My mum treats him like a child and as he doesn't have too much get up and go, he's quite happy to let her. She likes the company, as she has never got on that well with my dad. Although my parents relationship is always much improved when my brother isn't around. But my mum doesn't see this (chooses to ignore this pehaps??)

I've tried to say something a few times but it hasn't gone down too well, so I tend to keep my mouth shut. My parents and my brother are all adults, if they want to waste/ruin their lives that's their issue.

And I'm the younger sister - not older.

FWIW I would invite your brother out by all means, but for just the reason that you want to go out for a drink with him. Don't get on his case. What happens with him and your parents at home is their business not yours.

Lizzybop

.......and my brother has never had a girlfriend (or boyfriend) that he has shared with us.

This doesn't mean he's never had one, just that he hasn't shared it.

Although, as he never goes out I can't imagine where/when he would meet anyone lol!

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do

L
x

sparrer

I'm just wondering, if your brother worries about how you're living your life...

My son was in a very similar situation but he didn't critise or worry how I lived my life and I had no right to tell him, as an adult, the way he lived was was 'wrong'. If your bother wants to go our or stay in, to leave your parents home or not, I don't really feel it's anything to do with you. And certainly you have no right to talk to him about this. You invented the worry so probably best if you turn you attention to something more constructive.