Worried about brother

Wine_of_the_World

My brother is 26 and lives at home. He's very quiet and shy and is slow to make new friends. He doesnt have many friends, and from what I can tell its always the friends (not him) that instigate any meetups. The only friends he has are from his school days. He's never had a girlfriend.

I'm very worried that in 10 or 20 years time he will still be living at home, with even fewer friends, and will miss out on so much in life.

I'm not at all sure what to do for the best. In some respects he is treated in the same way he was at 14 by my parents - esp mum. Also he is a really nice guy and will never be rude and tell them to stop treating him like a child - as I would .

I am just not sure what would be the best way forward. I was thinking a good step would be for him to move into a shared house. But I could also see him just up in his room all evening and so not really talk to anyone. Not sure if anyone has seen the same kind of situation and could offer ideas or help.

Callie22

I don't mean to sound harsh (and I have a similar brother), but really, if he doesn't see that there's a problem then there's not a lot you can do to help him change. You can't force someone to socialise or move out of home if they're perfectly happy with things the way they are (and I'm assuming your parents are happy with this).

Has your brother said that he feels there's something wrong? If he's asked you for help and said he's unhappy then you can try to help him, but if not you're likely to end up spoiling what relationship you do have if you barge in and tell him he needs to change when in his eyes, there isn't a problem. Tbh, it's his life, not yours - he might be happy as he is and you probably shouldn't get involved if he hasn't asked you for help.

esmy

Both OH and I have 'stay at home' brothers - not unusual in our family!

Wine_of_the_World

I think he is happy - he's laid back person- but I also think he must get lonely a lot.

My parents are happy with the situation - not desperate for him to move on but my dad has expressed he's concerned for his future as he is often reliant on them for social interaction.

I wouldn't be worried about him if he had a few more friends or reguarly socialised. Some of my friends have brothers his age or older at home but they have very active social lives - which is partly why I worry.

soupdragon10

Have you spoken to your brother about his situation? Could you have a low key talk about what he might like to do? You don't mention his job, but does he have a busy job that is is grateful for some quiet time in the evenings?

At the end of the day it's his choice, but at least if you speak to him you will know if he is lonely, or just comfortable in his own company.

Wine_of_the_World

He does work - but in a quiet office. I think me and my boyfriend will invite him out to the pub on friday and I'll have a chat with him about things a bit then. When I talk to him inside the house I always seem to be telling him what to do - so I'd rather talk in a different situation. I dont want to seem like I'm having a go - and my boyfriend is much better at telling me when I've stepped over the mark - and at putting things to my brother in a more blokey laid-back kind of way.

I think he is happy in his own company, but I do also wonder where he'll be in the future once my parents are much older or no longer around. I guess I'm a bit of a worrier - but I also think it would be easier for my brother to make a few changes now than in years down the line - if that makes sense.

Emmzi

I think it is a little pushy to decide how he is living is not "right" and what you think of as better for you, would also be better for him.

He's 26. He can make his own decisions, unless you are suggesting he has some mental illness?

DVardysShadow

Wine_of_the_World wrote: »

He does work - but in a quiet office. I think me and my boyfriend will invite him out to the pub on friday and I'll have a chat with him about things a bit then.

Inviting him out to the pub is a good thing to do in its own right. But having a chat to him 'about things' at that time will be about the most counterproductive thing you could do. If he feels the least bit tense about being out with you, this chat will be very awkward for him - he might not feel free to tell you to shut up - or he might feel that despite the location he has to tell you to shut up. And as a result he could feel even less like going out because he starts to associate it with being pressurised.

Really, I think you are being quite naive about this.

moneypuddle

my brother is very similar ... 27 and the exact same situation. Out of the blue a couple of weeks ago he announced that he is looking for his own place. I never expected that and am bit worried about him living on his own, but sometimes you've just gotta let people live their lives and be supportive

tizerbelle

WotW, read back your posts to yourself. It's all about what you think about his life and how you think he should be living his life. But the point is, its his life to live as he wishes to do so. He doesn't have to have dozens of friends, he doesn't have to go out on a regular basis, he doesn't even have to have a girlfriend (or boyfriend).

By all means invite him out for a drink with you but don't nag if he says no and if he does go, don't pick his life apart - which is what you are doing. Just let him know you are there if he ever wants to go out together, have a chat. You are his sister not his keeper. Build the sibling relationship with him so that if HE decides he wants to change something in HIS life, he knows he has you to talk to / help him when asked. In the meantime, its not your right as his sister to mess with or criticise his life choices. Okay if it were a different issue such as drug abuse then yes different answer but just because his lifestyle isn't the lifestyle you chose for yourself it doesn't make it any less valid.

morganedge

What do you think he's missing out on?

For what it's worth, I know a number of people who sound a lot like your brother. Some who are few years older in fact.
Accept that we are not all the same.
To a certain extent, im possibly similar to him. Even though I have a girlfriend and live with her parents, I was single for a long time and loved my own company, and really didn't get 'bored' like almost everyone I know seems too.

Dont take him out for a drink and then spend the whole time telling him he's wasting his life. Maybe that's why he's anti-social and shy! Doesn't like going out when he knows that all that will happen is people telling him how he should be living his life.