Is it normal to feel like this after a bereavement.

bitofalostlamb

Hi
I very recently lost my mum after a short and sudden illness.I am or so i thought happily married..my husband is the most wonderful,kindest man you could ever meet and has been my rock through losing mum.Weve been married 6 years and have a beautiful daughter together...over the last few days i discovered an old flame has moved within 20 minutes drive of where i live now.(hes single).I've found myself messaging him on facebook and things have started to get flirty with hints of 'no strings' fun..i feel totally disgusted with myself for behaving like this but at the moment my whole house and life feels consumed with crying over mum and now back to mundane things after life being up in the air for the last few months.Feel like i want to be young again,live life to the full almost irritated by being married.but all this has happened since mum passed.Even though i feel so dirty and disgusting inside the thrill of meeting this guy and getting away from life for a bit just seems to be tipping the scales right now.. i dont feel i could hurt anymore than i do now so what the hell..help :-( x

BitterAndTwisted

OK, two things as I see it.

One: That a bereavement throws up all sorts of reassessment of our lives. This is not uncommon. Sometimes useful.

Two: If you continue flirting and possibly betraying your husband you could be in danger of jeopardising your relationship with this steadfast rock. A steadfast rock who is not deserving of your betrayal.

Hanging_by_a_thread

Could you still be suffering from shock from losing your mum OP? When you feel like this coupled with grief, stress and anguish it can make you think and feel all kinds of things.

From what you describe of your husband he is one to hold on to. It may be difficult to imagine feeling far worse than you do now. But if anything were to happen between you and this new guy you risk losing everything and everyone who is precious in your life. Is that a risk you are willing to take?

I am very sorry for your loss.

busiscoming2

Sorry for your loss.

Perhaps by flirting and keeping your mind busy with this other guy you are just trying to block out or distract yourself from having to deal with grieving?

There_Goes_Trouble

bitofalostlamb wrote: »

Hi
Even though i feel so dirty and disgusting inside the thrill of meeting this guy and getting away from life for a bit just seems to be tipping the scales right now..

That's just it. It's an escape, a way to hide from the difficult times you're going through. But an affair will destroy your relationship and will make your current situation 1000000 times worse. There is no escape, you have to face up to this emotional time and you need to do it with your husband.

i dont feel i could hurt anymore than i do now so what the hell..help :-( x

Yes, you can hurt a hell of a lot more, if you cheat you'll have to live with the guilt and regret, if your husband finds out and leaves you'll have to deal with the break up of your marriage.

Send one last message to your Ex. Tell him you're sorry to have led him on but your emotions are all over the place since your recent bereavement. Tell him you are happily married and you do not want to take a relationship with him any further. Once you have sent it, delete him off facebook and go and tell your husband how much you love and appreciate him.

Your Mum died. You're emotional and not thinking things all the way through to the end consequences. Don't do anything now that will be so damaging to the rest of your life.

BitterAndTwisted

Ask yourself this: If your wonderful and totally supportive husband could read the communication between you going back and forth what would he feel? And what would you feel as well? Possibly a million times more dirty and worthless than you do right now. Would you ever be able to paper over the cracks that you have created and go back to being happy wifey and Mummy again?

How much would you fancy being a single woman again? Or worse, a single parent. With an ex-husband so wounded by you that he'll fight you tooth-and-nail for the house, for your child. Is it worth a dirty shag now?

Hanging_by_a_thread

busiscoming2 wrote: »

Sorry for your loss.

Perhaps by flirting and keeping your mind busy with this other guy you are just trying to block out or distract yourself from having to deal with grieving?

I completely agree with this. There are positive ways and destructive ways of dealing with grief. OP I think you would be far better to go and see your gp and ask to be referred to a grief counsellor.

TimBear

Sorry for your loss OP.

I'm in the same position as you are at the moment (allthough not with the loss of my mother). I have been speaking to an old flame over email recently, just general 'how are you?' stuff, catching up on the last few years I suppose. We are both in long term relationships but he has talked about meeting up for lunch etc. I have told him I will not do that as I do not want to jeopardise my relationship with OH (whom I love dearly), but it is a bit exciting.

You just need to make it clear to your ex that nothing will come of it, and as another poster has said, delete him from facebook so the temptation isn't there.

I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling with the loss of your mother but it must be a very difficult time for you. Your husband sounds brilliant from what you've said - do you really want to lose him?

bitofalostlamb

Thank you for all of your support..im usually very private and would never post something like this on a public forum..all of my friends are more that ive made through my daughter so not been able to confide in anyone really..and feel i need to be shot down in flames as its what i deserve.
I really dont know why im being like it..i was so hollier than thou with mum as she went from one damaging relationship to another and i was disgusted with her for how she carried on at 60 with men she met on the internet..and now im doing something v similar.feel like ive lost my marbles and the only person who i would usually confide everything in(my hubby) is the person i really cant tell..i know it probably doesnt make sense but it feels like my husband is part of this sick sadness i want to get away from as every bit of devastating news we had regarding mum he was there too..the other guy up for no strings fun would never tell and thats been part of the attraction that i could carry on as normal after id met him with no repercussion as such..i suppose i know deep down there would be but i feel so numb that its like im untouchable on an emotional level to a degree.x

TimBear

If you were to meet this guy, even if he never told a soul for the rest of his life, YOU would have to live with the guilt forever. Could you honestly do that?

Errata

I've found myself messaging him on facebook

Step away from your computer and do something productive with your life. If you don't want your OH - have the decency to walk out.