Need a bit of direction

Hanging_by_a_thread

keepcalm40 wrote: »

I also think it's too late for relate, I know he always thinks he's in the right, and have lost count the times I have said it's the little everyday things you do, with respect and love that will make a difference to how I feel sexually, the 10 weeks before not the 10 minutes, he chooses to ignore this saying that I should be grateful he's not a drinker and come home and hit me about ! He's doesn't hit me, maybe shoves me at times.

Again, thanks x

This comment concerns me. It could be a veiled threat. If he chose to do this he could and by saying it, he knows it is something you are aware of. He more than likely wants you to be wary of it.

It is interesting that you say he compliments you and speaks well of you in front of others. The complete opposite of how is toward you at home. He doesn't want his image tarnished by the reality of how he is toward you. One thing that stops sufferers of abuse from ever leaving is the fear that they wont be believed by others. By doing this he is trying to make sure that is what would happen, I can tell you this is rarely the case. People would be shocked and surprised but would know you well enough to see the truth. It is a form of him controlling things.

Is he good at taking responsibility for himself, not in a getting on and doing things for himself way. I mean more if he makes mistakes, as we all do, does he take responsibility for his actions? Or is everything that goes wrong somebody elses fault. Abusers often deflect their own failings onto someone else. Effectively laying on them the blame for everything, burdening them even more.

keepcalm40

Yeah I find it strange that he compliments me to some people (usually people I don't really know) by way of bragging about some achievement I've accomplished, but also to others says statements like 'she doesnt give a toss for us, always got her face in the computer, or doing x with friends, she doesn't want to gotbout with me la la la la la .
My close friends/work colleagues/family would see through him but he would paint a different story for others who may believe his side of the relationship, this doesnt bother me as I've come to the conclusion he is a sad person who has tried to break me for years. Another controlling statement is that if I leave then my child would suffer as he will not be able to have the trips/ days out etc that he has now.

As for responsibility if he does something wrong he goes off top, refusing to speak about it & if I try and attempt to talk sensibly about whatever he just shouts so I have to drop the subject. Btw he never does anything wrong LOL. I can't say that he takes any responsibility for anything that occurs within our home, it's all left to me.

dottygirl

I think you should look at the womens refuge site. You may find it useful x

keepcalm40

Thanks dottygirl, I've just looked on there.
Don't think I need direction, it's a bullet up my backside! Reading all this emotional abuse stuff I'm thinking to myself 'why haven't you done something before now'! Why haven't I recognised it earlier !

I was thinking why that site a women's refuge ? I don't need that but really the info on there is great

Hanging_by_a_thread

keepcalm40 wrote: »

Reading all this emotional abuse stuff I'm thinking to myself 'why haven't you done something before now'! Why haven't I recognised it earlier !

This is something many people, who have suffered as you are, ask themselves. It can be what they struggle most to come to terms with, when they have left a relationship and have the time, space and energy to reflect back.

The thing is abuse starts very subtly. Enough to begin to be destructive to the person it is aimed at, but done subtly enough so as to be seen as someone having an off moment, a bad day. Each incident in itself may not be thought of as horrendous. However when looked at collectively you see what is going on.

Your husband sound likes he is at the stage where he is beginning to lose control. Partly of himself but also he will be sensing that you are not willing to be contolled by him and he is not shattering you emotionally. Then the abuse intensifies, threats are made, put downs aren't veiled or carefully worded. He knows you are beginning to see through him.

Whatever you decide to do next please be aware that if you leave this can be the most dangerous time and emotional abusers can become violent. Turn to friends or family to help you.

QueenB.

((((((((hugs))))))))) Only you can make the final choice of what to do but i would advise getting help from somewhere like a domestic violence helpline or as someone else said womens aid. Then explain the situation to your close friends and family and leave him. The house situation is something I don't know how to advise you on but you have to put yourself and your child first and end the relationship. Good luck xx

keepcalm40

Thanks you for the advice, You are so right as he has been threatening me lately when I've said I'm leaving and also threatening violence towards our pet. I've also told my mother if she ever finds me in hospital or worse look no further than him.

keepcalm40

Ps thank you all so much for your advise and replies, I just wish I had sought some advise on here earlier xx

nearlyrich

Emotional abuse is horrible, it leaves you doubting your sanity, its not good for you child to see you putting up with this, however I understand why it takes a lot to get the victim to realise they don't have to put up with it. I think I did about 7 years of emotional and physical abuse before I came to my senses and I know someone who did 20 years in an abusive relationship.

You are a strong woman, make a plan to get away from the bully who is ruining your life good luck x

Caroline_a

keepcalm40 wrote: »

Thanks you for the advice, You are so right as he has been threatening me lately when I've said I'm leaving and also threatening violence towards our pet. I've also told my mother if she ever finds me in hospital or worse look no further than him.

What a total !!!!!. OP you have to protect you, your pet, and your children. We are all here to offer whatever support you need.

Hugs... xx