Need a bit of direction

keepcalm40

Hi all, just wanted a bit of help in the right direction

I've posted under a new name to avoid recognition.

At the moment im feeling a bit lost with no direction, I feel Ive been trying to keep things calm for so long that the real me has been lost.
Ive been married to my OH for 13 years, the last 5 have been very troublesome, we have a few children between us and have an 9 year old who lives with us (rest are grown up).

Basically Ive had enough, I do absolutely everything in our family life, work fulltime in a demanding job/all laundry/ pay all bills/sort childcare, homework etc/clean/shop/book holidays etc i could go on, while he says as hes got a physical and cant possibly do anything else. He knows we are heading for a split and reacts by shouting and swearing all the time, (sometimes infront of our child) stating that i must be off with someone else (not true) as I dont give him any sort of love and affection(true as i dont have any desire to please him in that way as he shows me no respect in various instances eg puts me down constantly to my face, infront of people eg friends, children saying i dont care/i havent done this/that, i would rather be out with friends,etc . Sex he has perhaps once a fortnight ( i say HE, i do it to keep for a bit of peace), all his abuse he gives me is as he says because im not a "proper" wife as a"proper" wife has sex 3 times a week! His words are your a great wife but as soon as bedroom door is shut your !!!!!

Sorry to ramble,

I now feel that Ive had enough of his constant taunts (last night he woke me up shouting nastily in my face that i was making some kind of sound in his face !)

We live a comfortable life, not well off but we get by, have equity in our mortgage and I could buy him out no problem, he states though that i would have to sell the house and he wont move out.

I have put up with him for so long that Im so unhappy, everyday Im unhappy, when he comes home the mood changes in the house, I dont know which way to turn. I have tried to stay together for the sake of our child, but the way he speaks, and his parenting skills leave a lot to be desired. The only positive traits are that hes a hard worker, never shy with his money for family trips/outings etc, thats as far as it goes though.

What are your views on the situation ? Thanks in advance x

Lotus-eater

What about relate?

go_cat

Sorry but what he is doing to you is emotional abuse and not acceptable

tesuhoha

Maybe sit him down and say we need to talk. Say each of you need to air your grievances without interruption. Listen to each other and see if you can resolve your differences.

keepcalm40

I tried over a year ago about counselling, got all the numbers together, he says tho that we don't need a relationship counsellor just a sex therapist as that's MY only problem being an ice queen !
I have tried sitting down with him & he just puts the all my fault thing on & says things to make me feel sorry for him. I beleive it is too late for all that.

I'm a strong woman, and am thinking yes this is emotional abuse, thing is unless you really sit yourself down and write it down you don't really see it.

CH27

I'd look at the Women's Aid website or give them a ring & ask their advice.

It sounds as though you want out & I would start preparing for it.
Gather important documents & put them somewhere safe.
Ensure you have some money squirrled away.

keepcalm40

Thanks for your replies.
I am ready to end it all, just getting myself to actually do it. He does scare me at times & I never wanted it to come to this, but I have to do it for my own mental health as well as my child's.
I have money put away all I need is the courage to do it x

Hanging_by_a_thread

I agree with another poster that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. The kind of behaviours you describe your husband using are awful. I bet a pound to a penny he would not appear this way to people outside of your immediate family. Abusive people often have split personalities and can turn one or the other on when it suits them. Do you dread him coming home at night, start walking on eggshells when the key goes in the lock, wonder what mood he will be in as he comes through the door? I suspect I know the answer to this already.

You come across as someone extremely capable and aware. Despite the constant criticisms and put downs from your husband it appears you are very strong and he has not completely knocked your self esteem and confidence. You can see what is going on and that it is not right. Many people who live and suffer as you are get to a point where they are destroyed by it, at no fault of their own. They cant think straight or realise that they deserve so much better.

I think if you were in a positive relationship that had give and take, compromise and support then you would be leading a balanced life. I dont necessarily think that you lack any direction. Just the opportunity to explore all the things you could be enjoying. You are so busy doing every single part of family life and running a home by yourself and coping with abuse that you have no time to do things you enjoy. I am so sorry to tell you this, but this has not come about by accident, it is part of the abuse.

I think it may be a little to late for Relate, though they are a fantastic service who help many couples. For that kind of counselling to work both parties really need to be committed to the relationship and at least have a measure of respect for one another. Your husband appears to not feel that way about you, which is his loss and not your fault at all.

As for a healthy sex life. Has it never occured to your husband that for a woman to enjoy it she needs to feel loved, respected, valued and above all else safe.

Of course not in all cases, but many people (men and women) who suffer emotional abuse then go on to suffer physical abuse. Abuse does tend to escalate. Take care of yourself OP and have a deep think about what is best for you and your children.

Ravenlady_2

Lotus-eater wrote: »

What about relate?

What about a shot gun?

God he sounds vile.

keepcalm40

Thank you so much hanging by a thread for that post.

He does to other people come across as something else, sometimes brags me up to people who listen to his boastful comments, and I sometimes dread him coming home or me going home Esp after a night out.

I am a strong person and people who know me would be shocked that I put up with this, he has knocked my confidence, but the only reason I have put up with it is for the sake of our child (having read so much on sites about keeping the family together etc). A few years ago I had a bout of anxiety and went to a counsellor looking back it was all emotional need, and feel quite angry that it took some time to get over when my child was young that I will never get back. I'm sick of feeling unhappy, I seen myself in a dream a week or so ago, laughing and being happy with male company, may seen stupid but I woke up feeling happy.

I also think it's too late for relate, I know he always thinks he's in the right, and have lost count the times I have said it's the little everyday things you do, with respect and love that will make a difference to how I feel sexually, the 10 weeks before not the 10 minutes, he chooses to ignore this saying that I should be grateful he's not a drinker and come home and hit me about ! He's doesn't hit me, maybe shoves me at times.

Again, thanks x

Gleek

keepcalm40 wrote: »

Thanks for your replies.
I am ready to end it all, just getting myself to actually do it. He does scare me at times & I never wanted it to come to this, but I have to do it for my own mental health as well as my child's.
I have money put away all I need is the courage to do it x

You can do it, sugar Just keep looking forward and thinking forward, not backwards. You know it can get better and that he's abusive, don't let him ground you down or affect you and your child anymore - focus on it and get out

Best of luck :T :grouphug: :grouphug: