need advice again.... (its long)

pyjamadays

il start over again...
seperated a while ago from husband, have 2 children (daughter 14, son 10). i have a new partner who lives 300 miles away and am considering moving there either late this year or next.
after the split i discovered my daughter had been self harming and was depressed (not entirely due to the split but mainly and possibly due to the lead up to it as well-no violence or anything, just atmosphere), she has been on antidepressants for 4-6 months and seen a child physcologist. she is on the up now, made friends and has her first boyfriend. after the split all she wanted was to move away to where im from and where my new partner and all my family are. now it has been said 'oh but your taking the children away from there dad and family' yes this is true, but my ex has always known this would happen and although they wouldnt see his side of the family much they would be seeing mine, they would be visiting here in the holidays.
during the last year my children havent seen theres dads family much at all, they dont help out in anyway or make much effort to see them. my daughter has been to her dads twice in the last year (her wishes) but my son went once or twice a week depending on my work shifts, sometimes it was a struggle to get him to go as hes a mummy's boy :-) my ex has paid nothing towards them in the last year and bought them nothing, he now pays £20 a month through csa as he refused to contribute. he had no input with the school, dr's phscologists or police when my daughter got arrested for shoplifting and then because she disapeared at 4am in the morning. i asked him to come and talk to her on both of these occasions but he didn't come. this last year really has been a hell of a ride.
fast forward to now...just after xmas my daughter said she didnt want to move anymore as she felt settled here now. we had a bit of an arguement and she said she was going to live with her dad, i left her upstairs for 10mins to calm down and tried to phone the ex to tell him what had happened, he wasn't in and then walked in the door. she had phoned him to come get her. im a bit annoyed that he just turned up and took her away, he never phoned to see what was happening or give us a chance to resolve things. she has been there nearly 2 weeks, i took her away for a holiday which was part of her xmas present (i bought all the xmas presents). we got on really good but she went back to his when we got back.
now thats she's there my son is wanting to go more often too. the thing thats annoying me is he seems to be buying there affections and encouraging them to stay. he lets my 10 yr old stay up until 3/4am playing playstation which completely disrupts his routine. i have a rule that if my daughter misses school bus she catches the next one, if shes going to meet friends she catches the bus- therers 1 every hour and is 5 mins to the main street. he runs her everywhere. he always said he couldnt do x,y & z as had no money, no fuel ect but now its no problem!! because he has no rules and lets them off with anything then ive become grumpy mum whilst hes superdad!!
part of the reason we split was due to his complete lck of interest, i did everything. brought then up, cooked & cleaned, worked because he wouldnt get off his !!!! and get a job claiming to be a house husband although he did nothing! i would come home, clean house, cook, bath kids the lot. if we went out to do family things, swimming, cafe even holidays to visit my family he never came-he did zilch...everthing my children own i bought them. everything that was done for them i did it. i actually dont know what that man did do! i arranged everything financially and not.
i do feel rejected in that everything i have done for them but now he's superdad!! how do you deal with these feelings?

Seanymph

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3715665=

There is your last thread for anyone needing to play catch up.

Your children need to feel that you are putting their needs first. Obviously your daughter has been very disturbed and unhappy - if their father is giving them security and attention and supporting them then surely that is a good thing?

pyjamadays

so because im trying to move on in life and the ex isnt that means that im not giving them security and stability anymore?! im pretty sure that after divorce or seperation the majority of people eventually move on.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

It's a shame your certainty that she wouldn't want to stay with him clouded your decisionmaking. It was a gamble from the outset.

He's giving her the atmosphere she wants, whether it stays like that forever is a completely different matter, but as it stands, staying with him is a more attractive proposition to her than moving in with your weekend boyfriend.

pyjamadays

im not convinced that giving her the atmosphere she wants is the same is what she needs tho. if my 'weekend boyfriend' lived anywhere else moving wouldnt be an option, i wouldnt do it. the only reason it is an option is because of the family i have there and the ones i feel i need around me. i have work friends here and thats it. it's easy to say im thinking of myself but i moved here at the same age she is now so i know whats its like. my family all moved back when she was a baby. i didnt bacause i was 17 married with a baby and a husband that didnt want to go. we stayed together 'for the kids' and because i was too scared to do it on my own.

Seanymph

'moving on' doesn't need to involve moving away from your children.

We all move on through life - but we have to consider and accomodate the people we are moving through life with.

Obviously at the moment he is offering them something that they are responding to. As a parent surely you are pleased your children are being supported by your ex and their father?

pyjamadays

yes i am pleased that they are in contact, ive never tried to stop that. moving without them isnt an option and they both know that, i would never move without them which i think got confused before.

pyjamadays

i also tried to say before that we wouldnt be moving in with my partner. its an option but niether of us are ready for it and the kids don't know him well enough and visa versa. i know for a fact that the only reason she doesn't want to move is because of a boy she's known for 3 weeks, i don't think at 14 that should be the foundations on her choosing where to live or for her dad to be encouraging it.

DVardysShadow

pyjamadays wrote: »

im not convinced that giving her the atmosphere she wants is the same is what she needs tho. if my 'weekend boyfriend' lived anywhere else moving wouldnt be an option, i wouldnt do it. the only reason it is an option is because of the family i have there and the ones i feel i need around me. i have work friends here and thats it. it's easy to say im thinking of myself but i moved here at the same age she is now so i know whats its like. my family all moved back when she was a baby. i didnt bacause i was 17 married with a baby and a husband that didnt want to go. we stayed together 'for the kids' and because i was too scared to do it on my own.

You have to do what is right for you and do right by your children.

Doing right by your children is making sure that you can provide a home for them - not necessarily dragging them to that home. I would say the 14 year old is definitely old enough to make her own choice and the 10 year old is getting near to that stage. Their choices might not be the best or the right ones in your eyes, but as long as they are not going to be subject to real harm, then I would say that letting them make 'wrong' choices may be the right thing in their overall development.

If you are too clingy and maternal, when they do make the break, in their heads they may need to reject you.

19lottie82

Based on from what you've told us, it doesn't sound like your daughters "honeymoon" period at her dads will last long. At the moment you're the bad cop and he's the good cop. I'm sure this won't be the case forever. Let her ride it out, but make sure she knows your arms are always open

balletshoes

forgive me for saying this, but it seems from what you've posted recently that theres no grey areas allowed ie you want to get planning your move, with your kids. Your daughter has thrown what is quite possibly a very temporary spanner in the works by saying she doesn't want to move now, and she wants to live with her Dad. Its only been a fortnight, and you took her away on holiday for some of that time!
Its still a party, its still a holiday to her, she may well completely change her mind in another fortnight.

You're not going to move until the end of her exams, are you ie next summer? So let her get it out of her system, smile, nod politely when she talks about how great her Dad is, how he runs her everywhere etc. Same with your son, stick with his routine when he's at yours, leave him to it while he's at his Dads.

Kids rarely appreciate everything/much we do for them as parents - its a fact of life that we don't realise ourselves until we are parents ourselves.