need advice again.... (its long)

pyjamadays

i am doing the smiling and nodding thing and im deff to clingy! i think i need them more than they need me and realising their getting older and able to make their own desicions is really hard! i know they'll never understand things until there much older, i think what i find so difficult is that they are seeing me as the bad cop when all i've done is everything for them but they don't see that and prob wont until their older if they even remember. my son is fine, he's happy to be here thankfully, he was a bit out of sorts and copying his sister but not now.

balletshoes

I know, its hard to let them take their first steps to independence, my DD is 10 and we're just starting down that road. Who'd be a Mum eh?

pyjamadays

its just made me start think about what i'll do when they dont need me anymore :-( i know they'll always need me but in a different way, they were both at their dads last night and tonight and im on days off from work, so this is the first time in a very very long time ive been on my own.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

pyjamadays wrote: »

im not convinced that giving her the atmosphere she wants is the same is what she needs tho. if my 'weekend boyfriend' lived anywhere else moving wouldnt be an option, i wouldnt do it. the only reason it is an option is because of the family i have there and the ones i feel i need around me. i have work friends here and thats it. it's easy to say im thinking of myself but i moved here at the same age she is now so i know whats its like. my family all moved back when she was a baby. i didnt bacause i was 17 married with a baby and a husband that didnt want to go. we stayed together 'for the kids' and because i was too scared to do it on my own.

All of that is irrelevant to a mixed up 14 year old who doesn't want to move to a new town and is saying very clearly she wants to live with her father instead.

What you think you need might not be what she does.


What happens then? Do you stay and resent her every minute of everyday for ruining your life more than her father did? Do you go and then have your son say he wants to go and live with his Dad and sister, leaving you completely alone? Do you risk going to court to get her returned to you by force when there is a good chance that the court could find them both capable of deciding they want your ex more?


It's not easy. It's not something I would wish on anyone. But you cannot force her to choose you and your resentment of your ex doesn't take away the fact that he is giving her something she feels she needs - that she is being put first.

BitterAndTwisted

I understand your burning resentment at him playing Daddy now when he couldn't @rsed five minutes ago. And I bet your two kids don't know that you h d to winkle a whole twnty quid a week out of him.

Just let him get on with it and try to not seethe too much. You were never planing to move yourself and the kids away at the end of next week but I can almost guarantee that he won't keep all this up,. He's probably only doing it because he knows that you're being driven to the edge of reason by it. Chill. Say nothing. And wait.

pyjamadays

i know your all right, i would never resent her for the rest of her, i might feel annoyed for a little while but i cant help that, its not her fault things are the way they are.

im not annoyed at them in anyay, what child wouldnt want the sudden attention from their dad?!

no they have no idea about the money side of things, its not even a whole £20 a week...its £20 a month!! i have no idea how hes managed that! hes self employed so must have fiddled the numbers somehow.

BitterAndTwisted

Who cares how he's fiddled the numbers. He's taking care of your daughter so that's one financial responsibility you don't have for the moment. Your daughter is a teenager, even if she was an average one she will be presenting with all sorts of issues, dramas and traumas any minute now if she hasn't already. That's what teenagers do. When all that happens he's likely to become a tiny bit tired of dealing with her and being big, wonderful, lovely Daddy.

And then she may return. Say nothing. Wait.

Hanging_by_a_thread

pyjamadays wrote: »

I do feel rejected in that everything i have done for them but now he's superdad!! how do you deal with these feelings?

I think your feelings are natural and understandable. Your daughter has been through a terrible time of it recently hasn't she, as have you all. At 14 she is to young to fully appreciate and understand how awful her fathers actions towards her have been. All she knows of her dad is the person she loves. You know him inside out, as you have described him to us, and his many faults in your post.

Decent parents like yourself protect their kids from the realities of what the other parent is like, in cases like yours. She hasn't had the life experience yet to sit back and look at all you did for her and how it was you earning the money, running the house etc etc and him doing Jack. Which to be honest at her young age is a blessing. It speaks volumes about your character that you have not slagged him off to your children, they need to be able to love both of you.

He knows full well that he has let your kids down, though of course he will not admit this to you. At the moment he is throwing money at a problem thinking it is the ideal solution. You cannot buy young people for long. Cracks will begin to show, probably when one of your kids tries to push their luck a little and asks for to much. Your ex may feel taken advantage of, say no and then have a young kid on his hands kicking off. He doesn't sound like the type of guy who would handle that well.

A dose of reality of dealing with kids on the cusp of their teenage years may be all it takes for their dads true colours to show. As your children mature and develop they will see their dad for the man he is. I feel incredibly sorry for them because when I was growing up I saw my cousins face up to similar and it crushed them.

All you can do is sit tight, be there whenever she needs you and stay as strong as you can. It sounds to me like you have been and are a superb mum. Maintain a good relationship with her and go with the flow a little for now. There is going to come a time when she will need you more than she can imagine.

pyjamadays

thank you x

bonjovibel_729

19lottie82 wrote: »

Based on from what you've told us, it doesn't sound like your daughters "honeymoon" period at her dads will last long. At the moment you're the bad cop and he's the good cop. I'm sure this won't be the case forever. Let her ride it out, but make sure she knows your arms are always open

i dont know if this will help but when my daughter was 11 she decided i was the devil incarnate and even though his dad has done hardly anythin for her she decided she wanted to go live with him 20 miles away....i really didnt want her to go but as she was insistent i spoek to the school and she eventually went to live with him...she was there for a month before she decided the grass wasnt greener on the other side and she has been home ever since she hasnt mentioned going down to live there again....i knew i was takin a huge risk letting her go and that she might not have come back but in the end i had to let her make her own mistakes and hope she made the right decision...