Gifts of money to parents?

Alikay

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

What was harsh about my post?

I think it's a shame that more adult children don't feel that financial help within the family works both ways.

I didn't mean this post. Your responses to other posts where parents mention anything about helping children (usually students) financially, you nearly always respond that the child should get a job and not receive any money from his/her parents...you know you do!;)

I agree that financial help within the family works both ways, but in this case it looks as if the OP has taken nothing from his/her parents since childhood and is planning to help support his parents (who should've made some provision during the good years) from a small salary when he needs to save for his return from overseas.

Nottoobadyet

Thank you to everyone who has responded, excellent food for thought! I'll try to respond below.

Alikay wrote: »

It's lovely that you're so concerned, but I'd be mortified if my grown up kids spent some of their low income on sorting out my financial bad planning.

Thanks very much for posting this - its exactly what I want to avoid and is certainly inherent in the situation. As i said its not like they've been living the high life, its just that they haven't been that great at planning and living on a budget.

I'd write a really nice letter explaining the way you feel and how you're going to contribute and then stick to what you've promised until your mother gets another job.

Your parents have raised a son or daughter to be proud of.

Bless you're making me blush! Daughter, by the way :rotfl:

I do like the idea of the letter - any suggestions for what might be in it to allay any embarrassment? Eg emphasizing that its not putting me at any hardship?

Are there any family members you could have a quiet word with, or you able to talk about your general concerns with your sister?

Not really, unfortunately. They arent very close to any of their surviving siblings, and my sister has an absolute blind spot over all this and wont speak about it to me.

do they still have a mortgage or rent to pay? are they entitled to any benefits/welfare? will it be better when they both reach retirement age?

i pay for bits and pieces, such as mobile phone contract and then give them money for a specific item eg. new washing machine when it breaks down. i also send them vouchers for free meals and other things.

it's more difficult if you are living abroad - could you treat yourself to a flight (cheap deal) over there to try and see what's what?

Yes, they still have a mortgage (nearly no one in America pays off their mortgage as there are tax benefits to keeping it, go figure!). Hopefully things will be better at retirement, especially if they can afford to hold off tapping into the saving sitting in the retirement plans.

I agree that buying what they need would be the best way to go about it, but as you say this is hard from abroad especially as a bunch of little transactions would costs a fortune in fees. Sadly there are no cheap flights from Uganda to anywhere

I wouldn't give them anything, they will just blow it the same way they've spent the rest of their money

I see where you're coming from, but like I said they arent exactly living the high life with new cars and holidays or anything. If my mum uses it to go out to lunch with a friend that she couldnt have done otherwise, well its not paying the leccy but thats fine with me if it makes her happy and keeps her out of the house.

If they're still keeping an adult daughter rent free then this is obviously part of the problem. Personally I'd get that sorted out first as otherwise it'll be the OP's sister who he'll be subsidising rather than his parents.

I know, I know... unfortunately anything with the sister is a bit of a brick wall. She's only 16 months younger than me so hopefully will realize that she needs to get her own life going soon. Shes made plans to move out a few times but nothing has come of it - hopefully sometime this year, though.

It sounds to me as if you have been an exceptional & very generous child & it's now time to think about your own future security.

Very kind of you to say! Luckly I also have exceptional and very generous parents As I said, I feel quite financially secure at the moment but you're very right that this is how they may see it.

caeler

I've often considered this but I know my offer would be declined through pride, but if I was ever aware the situation had declined substantially I would probably insist. You are very thoughtful and I am sure your parents are very proud of you. Maybe you could try with your sister to get her to pay her way?

dirtysexymonkey

without knowing your parents financial circumstances im afraid you shouldnt be making any gifts or contributions.

if they can afford to eat out for lunch, and keep a grown adult without having to take a contribution then they are not in financial hardship.

you wont be doing them any favours by giving them money. youve supported yourself since you were 17 and paid back every penny they spent on you. you say your parents are very generous but it certainly doesnt seem that way.

they need financial education, not bailing out by their children. they will if they are any kind of moral person, feel ashamed to be taking help from their child. i dont think you should contribute to making them feel ashamed. but i do think you need to offer educational help in the form of them economising if they need to.

dirtysexymonkey

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I disagree completely with the above.

Your parents looked after you when you were a child and now the time is coming when your parents need you to help them. I'd write a really nice letter explaining the way you feel and how you're going to contribute and then stick to what you've promised until your mother gets another job.

Your parents have raised a son or daughter to be proud of.

i cant believe im reading this.

you are the first poster to demand that adults stand on their own two feet when it is the child that may need help. but when its someone your age you think its the childs responsibility to pay for their parents.

considering the parents in this case havent financially contributed to their child since the child left home at 17, and the fact that they are still housing a grown adult without needing a contribution - there is no reason for the op to be guilt tripped into financially supporting her parents or her sibling.

dont be a hypocrite - you should be demanding that the ops parents do what you suggest young adults do - economise and cut their cloth accordingly.

meritaten

your parents are not your responsibility right now! one of them is working and the other was working until recently. its not as if they are both old and frail and need looking after! they are adults and its thier own responsibility to look after themselves! I would be mortified if one of my kids felt the need to support me! especially as YOU are not by any means well off!
they may have brought you up - but it sounds to me like they thought the responsibility ended there!
I wouldnt see them starve - and there is no suggestion of that or go without healthcare (and again you say they are both taken care of there). apart from that - their lifestyle was THIER choice. now they have to learn another way - and they cant do that if you bail them out! they need to grow up hun - let them!

Oldernotwiser

dirtysexymonkey wrote: »

considering the parents in this case havent financially contributed to their child since the child left home at 17, and the fact that they are still housing a grown adult without needing a contribution - there is no reason for the op to be guilt tripped into financially supporting her parents or her sibling.
.

I wouldn't guilt trip anybody into doing anything. The OP has asked for opinions on offering her parents temporary support out of the excess money she has, which doesn't seem unreasonable to me.

What does seem unfair is that her sister is in her 20s and pays nothing for her keep. That seems to me to be the issue that needs tackling first.

I helped my parent financially when they were in their sixties, which is perhaps why it doesn't strike me as an unreasonable thing to do.

Molly41

Currently my DD has more in her bank account than me - she is a saver and very careful with her money. I was personally mortified when she offered to pay a bill for me so I agree that to tread carefully is very important. I hugged her tightly and thanked her very much but declined her very generous offer x

Nottoobadyet

dirtysexymonkey wrote: »

you wont be doing them any favours by giving them money. youve supported yourself since you were 17 and paid back every penny they spent on you. you say your parents are very generous but it certainly doesnt seem that way.

Just wanted to address this - I paid back my university tuition, which is far less than they spent on me over the years! They were exceptionally involved in my education before university (I was home educated, which in many ways has made me the person I am) and paid for it fully. They didnt cut me off at 17. I made the choice then to support myself (I had already been living abroad alone for a year, with their help and financial support) as being independent has always been very important to me.

I agree with everyone that my sister should be paying her way, but this is a touchy issue and I dont know how best to address it. The idea generally has been that by not paying she can save up enough to move out (they live in the NYC area so a deposit and first months rent on a flat is huge), but she hasnt been very good at saving and this has been going on for about two years now. In the meantime she contributes by taking care of the pets etc. She is 23 and not making much above the minimum wage from what I can tell. I do think my parents are coddling her too much and enabling her poor spending, but I dont think theres much I can do about it.

persa

It's difficult if you don't live nearby. My family don't like accepting money, but I can get round that by buying them things - you have more limited options. I must admit, my own POV is similar to ONW's - my family supported me when I was young and poor, so now I'm the higher earner, I have a responsibility to look after them.

I wonder if your parents would accept money off you if it was to pay for your sister, rather than pay for them? Just thinking out loud. When it comes to money, there's often a pride factor to be overcome - would it hurt less if they felt you were effectively subsidising her, rather than them? (Same result, just a different explanation.)