Gifts of money to parents?

Nottoobadyet

Hello all, apologies for the rambling post.

I'm looking for a bit of wisdom on how I can best be sensitive on helping out my mum.

My parents live in America (always have), and my mum is about 60. After 20 years with one employer, she was very unceremoniously laid off last year, and left with a much poorer retirement package than expected. She's been looking hard for other work (I've been helping as best I can with CV revisions and applications etc) but as the economy there is still at rock bottom she's had no luck, and of course it doesn't help thats shes older. She is trying to set up her own business at the moment (while still doing some applications) but that wont turn a profit for a while, I imagine.

She's struggling to make ends meet. My dad is still working but is a bit older (closer to retirement, which I dont know that he'll be able to afford to take) but makes a much lower wage than she did while working. They keep their finances separate, which is maybe part of the problem with keeping track but isnt my business to suggest otherwise. Thank goodness his job offers them both health insurance.

I'm aware that part of the reason my parents are in this situation is because they haven't lived frugally - they aren't big spenders but don't seem to keep a hold on their cash very well and see it disappear without knowing where its gone, even when they were both on good salaries. I've tried to offer help on budgeting etc in the past, but as I've been living abroad since my mid teens (without them) I haven't been able to get through very well. I also feel that its their money so its not much of my business.

I've done my best to not be a financial burden on them (I havent gotten any money except birthday money from them since I was about 17, and dont get that anymore), and have paid back everything she paid in University fees for me. My sister hasnt done this and is still living at home without paying for rent / groceries, but shes in a low wage job so I try not to judge on this.

My parents spared no expense in raising me and I know i owe them everything for the person I've become.

I'm not wealthy myself - I'm 24, I earn about 17k per year (having taken a very large paycut to get an overseas post for career advancement), but because I am living frugally and get some of my expenses covered by work, I am able to save most of my monthly wage. I am currently putting this aside for an eventual flat deposit, but as it is I have a years worth of expenses put aside and am relatively confident in my future earning potential. I don't have children, and so long as me, my dog and my motorbike are warm and fed I am happy in life and I dont need to live more extravagantly. Instead of having money languish in a savings account, I'd like to send some of it to my mum regularly to take of some of the stress off.

What is the best way to handle this? I dont want her to feel embarrassed or anything. I do have her bank details, should I just drop in a few hundred quid every few months without mentioning? Do I say something? I know this wont fix her spending habits. but it might make her life a bit easier. I'd wait for a special occasion but hannukah is just gone and her birthday isnt until october!

Alikay

No, don't do anything - it's not your responsibility. Maybe next time you visit you can treat them in an area where you can see there's some hardship; for example pay for a takeaway, fill the car with petrol or pay for your mum to have her hair done.

It's lovely that you're so concerned, but I'd be mortified if my grown up kids spent some of their low income on sorting out my financial bad planning. They are adults who've enjoyed not having to be responsible with money - now things are different they need to make changes themselves.

Oldernotwiser

I disagree completely with the above.

Your parents looked after you when you were a child and now the time is coming when your parents need you to help them. I'd write a really nice letter explaining the way you feel and how you're going to contribute and then stick to what you've promised until your mother gets another job.

Your parents have raised a son or daughter to be proud of.

jackyann

It speaks well of you that you wish to help, but I agree with alikay that you should keep your distance. Are there any family members you could have a quiet word with, or you able to talk about your general concerns with your sister?
I think that dropping some money into a bank account might lead to it just disappearing. Saving that money might mean that you could offer real & useful help in a crisis ( which is why you need other relatives / friends to keep you updated)
How do you stay in touch? Is that expensive, and could you offer to cover the cost of that?
Good luck

firesidemaid

another view from me......

i think you would need to get an idea of their income and outgoings before you know how badly off they actually are.

do they still have a mortgage or rent to pay? are they entitled to any benefits/welfare? will it be better when they both reach retirement age?

i did this with my parents - they have enough money coming in and out, but like to spend it all alongside some of their savings each week/month, although they are retired now.

i pay for bits and pieces, such as mobile phone contract and then give them money for a specific item eg. new washing machine when it breaks down. i also send them vouchers for free meals and other things.

it's more difficult if you are living abroad - could you treat yourself to a flight (cheap deal) over there to try and see what's what?

sometimes throwing money at them (so to speak) won't help solve or change the problem.

i do sympathise with you though x

Alikay

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Your parents looked after you when you were a child and now the time is coming when your parents need you to help them. I'd write a really nice letter explaining the way you feel and how you're going to contribute and then stick to what you've promised until your mother gets another job.

The OP has supported him/herself completely from age 17, even repaying their help whilst studying. He says the parents have not been sensible with money.

How come you're so harsh, ONW, when it's the child who's being irresponsible but think the parents deserve to be bailed out when they've not prioritised their finances well? Would you seriously accept your 24 year old's cash if you'd spent all your cash on good living? Particularly since they only earn £17k and will have to provide a home for themselves when they return from the overseas placement?

Lotus-eater

I wouldn't give them anything, they will just blow it the same way they've spent the rest of their money. At least it's taught you to be a bit more careful.

Unless you go through their finances in detail, you have no idea how they are really doing.

Oldernotwiser

Alikay wrote: »

The OP has supported him/herself completely from age 17, even repaying their help whilst studying. He says the parents have not been sensible with money.

How come you're so harsh, ONW, when it's the child who's being irresponsible but think the parents deserve to be bailed out when they've not prioritised their finances well? Would you seriously accept your 24 year old's cash if you'd spent all your cash on good living? Particularly since they only earn £17k and will have to provide a home for themselves when they return from the overseas placement?

What was harsh about my post?

I simply believe that parents look after their children when they actually are children and when the children become adults and their parents become older, the wheel turns.

I didn't read the OP's post as saying that his parents had spent all their money on good living, simply that they hadn't lived frugally, which is different. If they're still keeping an adult daughter rent free then this is obviously part of the problem. Personally I'd get that sorted out first as otherwise it'll be the OP's sister who he'll be subsidising rather than his parents.

The OP obviously has plenty of money spare which is a completely different situation from having only £17,000 to support himself independently in London, for example.

I think it's a shame that more adult children don't feel that financial help within the family works both ways.

onlyroz

I don't think it would help them to just give them money, without addressing the root of their overspending problems. You could find yourself in a situation where they become dependent on the income from you, which would be a worse situation than the one they're in now.

cattie

Nottoobadyet wrote: »

I've done my best to not be a financial burden on them (I havent gotten any money except birthday money from them since I was about 17, and dont get that anymore), and have paid back everything she paid in University fees for me. My sister hasnt done this and is still living at home without paying for rent / groceries, but shes in a low wage job so I try not to judge on this.

Wow, you are truly a child in a million, I have never heard of anybody paying a parent back for University fees paid. It sounds to me as if you have been an exceptional & very generous child & it's now time to think about your own future security. Most parents of an age similar to yours are in a position to comfortably help out their now grown up children should the need arise, with many helping with deposits for mortgages. Because of your parents lifestyle, they haven't thought about tomorrow & only lived for today, which is always a foolish thing to do.

What you could do is wait & see what happens, perhaps your mother will be lucky enough to find a job soon. If not & it seems that they are financially struggling, perhaps you could offer to pay one of the energy bills or something similar to help them out as a one off, but I wouldn't advise making any kind of regular payment. They will only come to depend on you & at their age, they really should be able to stand on their own financial feet.

Spirit_2

At this point the penny may not have dropped with your parents that they need to reign in their lifestyle and I agree with the above poster who said you would be subsidising your sibling who remains at home.

Three suggestions:

Can you direct your mum and dad to MSE as a way to coach them in living within their means, enjoying life whilst cutting back spending and as a source of wise counsel and support when times are hard.

Could you speak to your sister and tell her of your worries and get her perspective? It may help your understanding and prompt her to pay her share of the household costs.

Keep a small fund for a 'rainy day' that you can help them wih if needed without jeapordisng your own plans. I am sure they would be mortified if their issues now caused you hardship, so sharing and caring fine, but "sacrificing" may be a step too far for many parents.