Son home from Uni and driving me nuts!!!

brokenlily

I think it's true that it's a different zone you get in at uni. Especially for boys if they live with boy housemates - I don't even want to think about the awful student boy-flats I've seen in my time, and some of them get no better when they leave uni either. My OH lived with 3 other lads last year and nobody cleaned up - the kitchen and bathroom were always disgusting. It can be hard to then adjust when back at home to parental standards. Family life can seem very tame compared to your uni life where you do as you please and answer to no-one. I think I was probably guilty of being a bit arrogant and a*sey when I came home from uni, because I thought that once I had my independence I was all that and knew everything, and my parents were just old fuddy duddies who cared about stuff like tidiness and being up in the morning!

Even though uni life was great, it was tough too though - I worked as well as studied, worked shifts so I could be up very early or home very late, and it was something of a shock to the system to have to manage everything - work study and the domestic side of life that previously my mum had largely taken care of, though I did have some chores and things to do when I lived at home. I definitely did take advantage of home comforts, and in hindsight should probably have been a bit nicer!

Funnily enough I now see this playing out with my younger step sister who comes home and lies around like a sloth, makes a mess and does nothing and is driving my dad and his wife mad!

Oldernotwiser

ciderwithrosie wrote: »

Well I don't see it as being 'stupid' to want to carry on caring for my children, big as they are. Doesn't mean they've been spoilt and don't know how to do anything for themselves, quite the contrary.

Rather depends on whether they're appreciative or take it for granted, doesn't it?

Many people would hope and expect that their adult children were caring for them as they get older as well.

BitterAndTwisted

I think the being taken for granted is a given for a lot of young people. The appreciation comes later when they grow up and realise all the care and attention they've received so freely. It means they're young, not bad or selfish.

Another factor, of course, is that we have a tendency to revert to comfortable and established roles once we go back to our family homes as adults. I certainly felt that when I went to my Mum's when I was in my forties. It wasn't helped by being called by my childhood pet-name and Mum skivvying around making our favourite foods like the prodigal returning. We were almost seconds away from having our faces wiped for us with a hankie.

rachhh

My mum actually thinks I've got better since I went to uni. I've learned to cook whilst there so often help out with tea when I'm home and because I appreciate not having to fend for myself as much compared to when I'm at uni, I'm more obliged to do little jobs and things I was too lazy to do when I was at home permanently.
I'm currently listing lots of my mum's things on ebay because she can't figure out how to do it herself... it's little things like this that parents sometimes overlook us doing though! I bet she'll come home and moan that I've done nothing all day

cazziebo

maggiesoop wrote: »

Does anyone else have this problem and does it get worse before it gets better !!! Help!!!

had this problem and yes, it did get better! DD1 was a nightmare on her first trip home when she started uni. She really believed she was a guest to be waited on- she'd had a complete personality change in 10 weeks! I so looked forward to her coming home, only to be counting the days until she went back. That first break was the worst. I like to thing she realised what a PITA she'd been.

Four years on, she's just left and I feel I've lost a best friend again. She did way more than her share of housework, cooking etc and her company was a real pleasure.

Hope it all gets better for you

x

olibrofiz

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

It's every teenager's role in life to do precisely what they want when they want and if you don't like it you're the one who's in the wrong because you're a horrible, nagging old harpy with no sense of fun or any tolerance. This attitude sometimes resolves itself in about 5 to 7 years if you're lucky.

Aint that the truth ! DD came back from 5 days at her dads ('did you have a nice time sweetie?', 'did you get any presents?', it's lovely to have you back) she grunted at me a few times then disappeared into the front room with her boyfriend and some mates.

Must confess to reaching the end of my tether as this has been going on for a while, cue me having a little strop and telling her that if she wanted to treat me & the house as if she was a lodger then here was £20 to go and buy her own shopping for the week Her response was - please see quote above

heretolearn_2

back to the two rude girls I'm lumbered with, I've just had to take some very deep breaths and talk myself out of going home and having a 'chat' with them, as they are just getting worse and worse! Something just happened now that peed me right off. OH just offered them something and had it thrown back in his face (well, not literally, lol, over the phone). But I've thought about it and realised that while it is irritating for me, what is really getting to me is feeling upset on behalf of my OH at the way his daughter is treating him. And that's not really for me to tackle - if OH just wants to keep the peace and not pick up on any of this, that's his prerogative, I suppose. I should just be offering him a bit of support/sympathy rather than adding to his troubles by getting into a strop myself. I'm biting my tongue not to ask him if she even got him a card for Christmas as I don't think she even did that, let alone a present, yet she's always got her hand out for money from him. Which of course is money from us. Which is part of why I find it all so annoying, I don't expect some big gratitude act but at least be pretend to like us a tiny bit.

So I'm a lot calmer now, only 2 more days to get through then they !!!!!! off, and good riddance, but I'll be all sweetness and light still in the meantime.

Elle7, yes I did wonder if it could be something like that, or feeling awkward, but it's not, we've tried to encourage them to join us for a bit but unless they are pretty much forced to, they don't. They are just anti-social. I'm sure you popped your head out of the bedroom for 5 minutes a day to at least say hello?

Savvy_Sue

silvercar wrote: »

TBH when he comes home I want him to spend time with his brother rather than washing and ironing.

Fortunately mine have adopted the same 'zero tolerance' approach to ironing as I have always had, so it's a 2 minute job to put washing in, a 2 minute job to move it to tumble drier / hang the non TD bits up later, and a 2 minute job to remove it from TD. It takes no time at all for them to put it away, because it stays in the IKEA bags we use for moving laundry around the house until they want to wear it! :rotfl:

They can, of course, continue arguing with their brothers / me / their Dad while they do this, if they wish.

BTW, DH 'caught' DS3 going out with friends tonight. I asked if DS3 had done the washing up, as requested. "He appears to have done the mixing bowl and two other items, does that count?" err, no ... but when I see him he'll deny that I ever asked him to do it!

silvercar wrote: »

They also suffer jet lag coming home, uni life being in a totally different time zone.

:rotfl: you mean the one where you stay up until 3 am, or 5 am, or even all night, and then wonder why you can't sleep when everyone else at home goes to bed?

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Another factor, of course, is that we have a tendency to revert to comfortable and established roles once we go back to our family homes as adults. I certainly felt that when I went to my Mum's when I was in my forties. It wasn't helped by being called by my childhood pet-name and Mum skivvying around making our favourite foods like the prodigal returning. We were almost seconds away from having our faces wiped for us with a hankie.

So true! Try as I might, MIL is reluctant to accept that anyone but her can provide drinks, or find the biscuits, or put things away after doing the washing up! I know it's her kitchen, but my BIL lives there, and HE knows where things go if I don't! but no, BIL cannot be trusted to do the washing up with me or one of my boys, she has to supervise too. And then FIL comes to join us, because he doesn't like not knowing where MIL is, and as his short term memory is shot to pieces he can't remember that she's in the kitchen and has to come and help too, and so it goes on!

Fortunately with my own mother, she realises that I have areas of expertise that she must defer to me in: like how to get her computer working, or what's wrong with her email. For some reason, I'm the only one of us girls allowed to do anything practical in her house - probably because when Dad was still alive but a bit frail he would say that he was going to get one of the boys to change a lightbulb, and I'd promptly get the stepladder and do it!

flora48

He'll grow out of it. Give it till he is 30!!

Seriously I sympathise with the OP, difficult times, pleased to say mine confessed to being all growed up and sensible...eventually!