Having a moment

aylithuk

Not sure if I just need to write this down and get some advice from 'strangers' really as my friends are all saying the 'right things'

My problem is my OH 'gave' up his job to allow me to move closer to mine. I wasn't that worried at the time as we had lots of savings, he was unhappy in his job and it was effecting our relationship.

This was back in mid 2009. We hit a bump where by my office was closed and we had to move again because my job is fairly well paid, the perks I get I won't get in the current market (e.g. FSP and wage level)

My OH is still unemployed but only claimed JSA this past August as we were living on savings (this was to top up my income to pay bills) I am starting to get worried about that is JSA will stop soon and he won't get income based as I earn 21k

I am starting to worry as he's been applying for jobs but only had 2 interviews since July and just doesn't seem that worried about getting a job anytime soon as we are 'doing ok' and we have £100 left for the month out of my wage once his JSA stops

I am starting to get a little !!!!ed as I am 31 this year and by now I thought I'd have a house or even thinking about starting a family but right now that just a dream. When I talk to him about this he doesn't even seem that bothered as he happy the way things are and it'a only money

I am feeling like I am exisiting rather then living and I cannot plan our future with him until he gets a damn job. I even said part time job or full time it doesn't matter..just get something to bring in some money - even £400 or £600 would do

The one saving grace in all this is he is playing the 'house husband' part so I don't have to come home and cook n clean. This would be fine if we had a child but we don't so he just plays on the computer and looks for jobs. Let face it - it's just the 2 of use and we are not untidy!

Has anyone been thru anything like this that can offer me some advice as I starting to get annoyed about my whole life and how it feels on hold due to him not be worried about getting a job anytime soon because he happy!

Hmmmm just read this back and it looks like a rant and not what I wanted to start the new year off with!

Emmzi

well what are your friends saying?

me, I couldn't respect someone who wasn't making the effort and I'd get rid. I certainly have before and not regretted it.

But I am very blunt, I am happy being on my own and self sufficient, and a bit of a mare. A dope smoking xbox addict has never been for me and IME that is what blokes do at home on their own all day! (YMMV)

Whereas you sound nice and understanding. There's probably a balance between the two of us that's about right...

tinktinktinkerbell

in all honesty it sounds like hes happy being a kept man and sees no need to rush to get a job

you need to make it clear to him you will not allow this, sit him down and have a chat with him, make it clear you will not support him so if he needs anything he better get a job and finance it himself

dark^knight

Talk to him about how you feel and why.

Lotus-eater

Why don't you sit him down and explain what you want out of life.

And then why don't you think of having a baby? If he is at home, he could look after it anyway, after childcare, a low paying job, unless done to stay in that line of work, isn't worth it. Would he be a decent Dad, does he even want children?

He is right in a way, it is only money, it can't automatically bring you happiness, that comes from inside. But it can make you feel more secure, which can bring happiness.

If you want a house, set your goals and cut your cloth accordingly. Decide what you need to do it, you need to save how much and you can do it how?

Above all, talk to him rationally and calmly. No belittling and shouting. No blaming, no fights if you can. You want him to be on your side and to go forward together as a couple.

If after all that, he is still dragging his heels, then a brief explanation that you can't go on like this, may work, or may make you understand he may not be the right one for you. people change and there is no rule that you must stay with an uncompatible partner for the rest of your life.

dark^knight

Also money shouldn't be the most important thing in a relationship, but it still needs to talked about, as it can help you or hinder you in achieving your goals in life...otherwise none of us would be on this forum!

Lotus-eater

Emmzi wrote: »

well what are your friends saying?

me, I couldn't respect someone who wasn't making the effort and I'd get rid. I certainly have before and not regretted it.

But I am very blunt, I am happy being on my own and self sufficient, and a bit of a mare. A dope smoking xbox addict has never been for me and IME that is what blokes do at home on their own all day! (YMMV)

Well they can do Lets hope your experiences don't tarnish the male population at large.

Computer games can become very overwhelming and can if you are not careful, take over alot of your life.
I have a game now, I could spend a week on and not even notice, dope however has never done it for me.

If he's on the computer all the time, chances are, he's playing some game which will be hard to give up.

Responsibility, that's what works for me. Give me some and I wake up.

Emmzi

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Responsibility, that's what works for me. Give me some and I wake up.

as opposed to working out on your own that you should be taking some?

also, male population at large I suspect are doing fine without me

Lotus-eater

Emmzi wrote: »

as opposed to working out on your own that you should be taking some?

Correct I am what I am and I think I'm too old to care, or change now. I've always been the same and I work around my foibles in the best way possible.

Emmzi wrote: »

also, male population at large I suspect are doing fine without me

I suspect you are right.

BitterAndTwisted

How seriously do you think he's looking for work? Playing at it or making a determined effort? Him not seeming terribly concerned could be a front for how anxious he is feeling about being kept by you. I hope so as I wouldn't be happy getting out of bed every day so someone else could sit on their @rse, even if they did do the washing-up and fix a meal. That's less than an hour out of his busy day.

A full and frank exchange of views is in order, I think. At least then you'd know where you stand and can plan accordingly

j.e.j.

It sounds like quiet resentment has been building up for a while, and understandably! 21K is not a bad wage but it's not probably not enough to keep two people comfortably and if you're not married, then he is just living off you. You're feeling that you're being taken advantage of, - working your socks off while he's seemingly 'living the life of reilly'

You need to let him know you're starting to feel this situation is too one-sided.

If he's just playing on the computer during the day to pass some time, would he be willing perhaps to do some work as a volunteer somewhere? It'd at least get him out of the house and maybe get his confidence back a bit. I'm guessing that having been out of the workforce for two and a half years he might be feeling a bit 'out of it'.

Hope you manage to sort something out between you.