part 2 . .Dad died last week

melymay

Evening all,

made a post on here last week about the fact tht my Dad died last Friday, some of the answers gave me a lot of comfort.

Today we have found out that due to the suddeness of the death and the fact that hospital addmission was less that 24 there may have to be a post mortem. I have spoken with the coroner today and they are not expecting the results until early next week, mainly due to the combination of problems my Dad had. after speaking with him he informed me that all of the local funeral homes have a backlog of 14 days due to the bank holidays.

It has already been a week, I don't know how much longer the family can keep going whilst kept in limbo. My Mum and my Auntys and Uncles are in bits, though me and my brother and sister have the 'benefit' of work over the coming week (apperance money for us all !!)

Anyone experienced this ? the way things are looking we won't be able to get the funeral organised for at least another 2 weeks and the extended family are beginning to think that we are dragging our feet to get things going . . Believe me nothing is further from the truth . .

Sorry to anyone else who is going through this at the moment, I feel for you x

DUTR

When my brother passed away, it was 18 days before we could have the funeral, even after the snip and tuck, it was many months before we got to learn of the cause of death.
Sadly the situation is not really something you can hurry along

inkie

Sorry to hear about your loss. It is never an easy time - and worsened that it has happened immediately before the run of BHs that we have just had, delaying things further.
There is nothing that you can do to avoid this. Things should start moving now. Have you been in touch with a local funeral director, as they will make provisional arrangements with you pending release from the coroner.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I'm sorry - yes.



FIL died suddenly at home on New Year's Day. Following the PM, the funeral director pulled out all the stops and managed to get a burial on the 25th January.

MIL managed rather well for that time, as she had things to do, stuff to arrange and the children demanding to have it all sorted out as soon as possible. So some things were done by mistake, like telling one of the sons he couldn't carry his father's coffin because he was too short, but the sister's boyfriend (who FIL hated) could do it because he was taller, dumping the partner of one son at the back of the church whilst another was in the front row, that kind of thing. All because she was under pressure to get it all sorted asap.

It was after the funeral that she needed the real support.


And when the PM report eventually came through several months later, she decided she wasn't ready to read it until she went to the GP the following week - but was put under extreme duress to open it by the (adult) children, which made her feel worse again as they didn't understand what things meant, started flinging around accusations and kept bringing it up afterwards.


Sometimes, it takes longer. Over the Christmas and New Year period it is always difficult. But rushing things, especially with such a distressing end, could do as much damage to all of you as taking a longer time.



Once again, I am sorry though.

Crispy_Ambulance

I'm sorry for your loss - unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to speed things up.

Bear in mind that there may be an inquest as well - which could take months to happen.

Condolences to you and your family - I lost my Dad last year and it is a very profound bereavement.

Rikki

My Dad died at home on a weekend release from hospital and as such was subject to a coroner post mortem. It was two weeks before we could hold the funeral. This was made worse as he died the beginning of December and we didn't want it to get to close to Christmas before we could have closure, especially with Mum having two small Grandchilden.


Once it becomes a coroners case it is out of your hands. They often release the body before the results are disclosed so burial arrangements can be made and peace be brought to the family.

We made outline funeral arrangements with the directors of our choice. They are used to the workings of coroner cases and are very understanding. A lot of choices can be made without a service date in mind.

Extended family will have to wait and accept your reasons at this difficult time.

Thoughts are with you and your family.

Armchair23

It's agonising for you, but if I can offer any advice I'd say many things to do with death and funeral arrangements are often better with some time to ponder. Even when in this case it's not your choice at all.

I don't know whether you are opting for burial or cremation, that may make some difference to the timescale. But you can go ahead and make plans and choices about the service, coffin, flowers and music. Whatever you are thinking of doing can have arrangements put into place with provisional dates.

My husband was buried in August, I mention that so you know I'm not just coming up with comments without any recent experience.

It's a difficult time for every bereaved family but please don't feel that you must do things you're unhappy with for the extended family's benefit.

You could always come up with a card/note that lets everyone know what you would like to do, and that you'll set the date as soon as you are able.

Best wishes at a difficult time.

msb5262

Dear OP,

I'm very sorry for your loss and all the trauma your family is currently going through.

At the moment it will feel awful that there's going to be such a long wait until you can have the funeral but I'd agree with those posters above who have found it's not such a bad thing.

In my family we've had some long gaps between deaths and funerals, and it has had some positive aspects.
From what you have posted previously, I think your father's death was an incredibly difficult time for you all, and a bit of breathing space will enable you all to recover a little before the funeral which is going to be another difficult time.
In my experience, funerals can be very special as a celebration of someone's life and of course of the family they created - hopefully this will be the case for your dad's funeral, and at least you can spend some time planning exactly how you want things organised while you are in this limbo of waiting. It is really important to do the funeral how your family wants it done, so you can take some time to agree amongst yourselves what you want.

Finally, I'm really sorry you've lost your dad. Hope you are holding it all together ok.

Best wishes and sincere condolences

MsB

meritaten

Yes - when my OHs uncle died on a christmas eve - It was January 12th before he could be cremated - and that was solely due to delays with the crematorium and the funeral directors being so busy.
It was worse when my soldier nephew was killed overseas - by the time his body was flown back (over a week) and then a semi-military funeral was arranged it was over three weeks before he could be buried.
This is a terrible time - I well understand your feelings. Please try to be patient with those who on asking when the funeral is - cannot understand why you say you dont know yet.
The simplest way is to say 'We are still trying to arrange it and will let you know as soon as we can when it will be'.
My heart goes out to you hun - usually the short space of time between the death and funeral is taken up with 'funeral business', which sort of helps as you feel you are doing something useful to help matters.
I know in my other posts I said to put the other matter on hold for now - but do you think it would help you and your family if you put matters in hand now? for a start you could write to the hospital requesting his records and decideing exactly what you all wish to complain about and finding out who to complain to?
My sympathies are with you hun - If I can help you, dont hesitate to post or PM me.

yonk

My Uncle died a couple of months ago and have to have a PM and it was a couple of weeks before he could be buried, even without holiday days holding things up. Things seem to be much slower now than when my Dad died 16 years ago. That was sudden too but things were sorted fairly quickly.

As the others have said, there is a lot to organise so try to get those things that can be organised in hand in the meantime. Extended family can make do, be brutal if you have to be as it's not for them to criticise.

My condolences.

sophietb

My father died (after a long battle with cancer) on the 18th of this month and we had his funeral yesterday). Three years ago my 43 year old sister died in my house (sudden death no real explaination) and we had three weeks of investigations and reports before we could lay her to rest.

My heart goes out to you and your family. Stay strong and take each day as it comes.