2012 will be my year

Dinah93

Is the benchmark for a good relationship that he doesn't beat you or drink himself into a hole? Christ, clearly I missed that memo, better call up my first boyfriend and apologise for breaking it off as clearly I should have stayed put.

It's not selfish to put you first after trying for a long time to make something work, a lot of us have been with an ex who tries hard some of the time (generally when they realise you're on the brink of leaving or find you sobbing over spilt milk and worry they may have a breakdown situation in play), but ends up just dragging you down financially or emotionally. I know the feeling of almost guilty relief which comes from suddenly not having this extra person to constantly nag, cajole and prod into having an existence somewhere beyond just being awake. Only you know what is right for you, and I'm sure you won't make the mistake again of thinking someone will change. Man or woman by and large once we're adults we're as we're going to be until the grave. There are plenty of women out there who are laid back themselves, are happy to get by day to day, and would have no issue with this relationship. Equally there are plenty of men out there who would look at his behaviour in horror and wonder how he can have so little support for his OH needs. It's not about making him a bad person, it's about two people being a good or bad fit together.

If he has no job, and is staying in the family home with your child I wouldn't be suprised if he is advised to make the arguement that he is the primary carer for your son. In law the presumption is that the child gets to stay in the home, so if a court were to find he is the primary carer he would stay in the house with your son rather than you. I understand your logical arguement completely, but you need to start thinking ahead to prevent him gaining more access to your child than you, let alone the house. You say you want joint custody, but does he or would he go for you to have access and him to be the primary carer?

I would be devestated if my DH changed jobs or took on the kind of debt associated with a new car without discussing it with me - or did it despite me having significant obections in the case of the car. The job is a little different in that everyone is always looking for a job to make them happy, and sometimes the emotional trade off is worth a few quid so long as ends are being met.

runningwoman

Dinah93 wrote: »

Is the benchmark for a good relationship that he doesn't beat you or drink himself into a hole? Christ, clearly I missed that memo, better call up my first boyfriend and apologise for breaking it off as clearly I should have stayed put.

It's not selfish to put you first after trying for a long time to make something work, a lot of us have been with an ex who tries hard some of the time (generally when they realise you're on the brink of leaving or find you sobbing over spilt milk and worry they may have a breakdown situation in play), but ends up just dragging you down financially or emotionally. I know the feeling of almost guilty relief which comes from suddenly not having this extra person to constantly nag, cajole and prod into having an existence somewhere beyond just being awake. Only you know what is right for you, and I'm sure you won't make the mistake again of thinking someone will change. Man or woman by and large once we're adults we're as we're going to be until the grave. There are plenty of women out there who are laid back themselves, are happy to get by day to day, and would have no issue with this relationship. Equally there are plenty of men out there who would look at his behaviour in horror and wonder how he can have so little support for his OH needs. It's not about making him a bad person, it's about two people being a good or bad fit together.

.

^^^^^
THIS

Just wrote what I wanted to say very beautifully there. I've ended two LTRs, where technically everything was working fine, so yes I suppose I was the bad guy.

Fast forward to now. Both men have moved on to women who are a LOT more suited to their lifestyles than me and actually appreciate them for who they are. FAR better than sticking together for "commitments" sake and then resenting each other and getting all bitter and twisted at your partner for just being the person they are naturally.

I think it's actually doing a favour to people to leave them (whilst they are young enough) to meet someone who has more compatible values and goals, rather than stringing them along with neither party being happy. We all like security, and no-one just walks out on someone they care for without a lot of grief and soul searching.

Padstow

I can see your point runningwoman, except to say that it should have been recognised when they going out together, or at least before getting pregnant.
Sometimes opposites can work well. OP is good with handling finances so let her take care of it, and hand him some spends if neccessary. He needs training with patience. There are also good points to a laid back type such as the H as well. He's unlikely to be down the pub every night or chasing other women. He's also likely to be a gentle soul. which counts for a lot.

Too many give up to soon IMHO, especially where children are involved. Oh, and the parents should not have allowed the OP back home for such frivolous reasons. They should have told her to get back home and sort it out.

ChocChipCookie

Thanks to those who have posted support - I came on here on the advice of a friend for practical support, but am touched there are others who have offered more. However there are a number of comments that weren't so helpful and I realised these are the type of people I'm currently trying to get out of my life. Some think I'm selfish, but frankly they don't know the situation or what is currently going on for either party and I've seen too many people stay in unloving relationships and what happens to them to continue in one myself. Yes there is a child involved, but I hope they understand one day why I'm doing what I'm doing, that it isn't just for my sake but theirs too.

So whilst I know this forum is of much help to many, it's not for me.

mountainofdebt

ChocChipCookie wrote: »

Thanks to those who have posted support - I came on here on the advice of a friend for practical support, but am touched there are others who have offered more. However there are a number of comments that weren't so helpful and I realised these are the type of people I'm currently trying to get out of my life. Some think I'm selfish, but frankly they don't know the situation or what is currently going on for either party and I've seen too many people stay in unloving relationships and what happens to them to continue in one myself. Yes there is a child involved, but I hope they understand one day why I'm doing what I'm doing, that it isn't just for my sake but theirs too.

So whilst I know this forum is of much help to many, it's not for me.

tbh this type of response is become all too familar on MSE, and not just on this board either.

If you posted on a public forum then you have to expect replies that aren't going to pat you on the back, say there there, of course you're doing the right thing.

From what you've written - and we can only go on that - someone should have taken you aside and told you not to have even married the guy as you clearly want / wanted different things out of life.