Struggling with my daughter :-(

stiltwalker

Plenty of good advice here. Don't beat yourself up they all have their moments, my 2 1/2 year old DD looked up at me all sweetness this morning smiled and in her lovely gentle voice said "I no do that mummy" when I asked her to do something! Everyone else thinks butter wouldn't melt, only her Dad and I know quite what a will of iron is under her smile though! She's not had a tantrum yet - she doesn't need to - I'm the one throwing them in the face of her implacability.

Gingham_R

stiltwalker wrote: »

Plenty of good advice here. Don't beat yourself up they all have their moments, my 2 1/2 year old DD looked up at me all sweetness this morning smiled and in her lovely gentle voice said "I no do that mummy" when I asked her to do something! Everyone else thinks butter wouldn't melt, only her Dad and I know quite what a will of iron is under her smile though! She's not had a tantrum yet - she doesn't need to - I'm the one throwing them in the face of her implacability.

That's really funny. Our youngest used to say, 'No sank you!' when we asked him to do something he didn't want to!

muddyl

I had a book recommended to me called toddler taming. I cant recommend it highly enough.
I had problems with a 7 year old, the tactics in it worked a treat.

FBaby

Your DD certainly doesn't sound like she has a problem. She is probably strong willed and clever, so does a lot of thinking about how she can get what she wants. Although as a parent, it is not the behaviour we want to see, try to turn it around and appreciate how this trait might be very helpful when she is an adult.

You also need to accept that she is still in the stage of learning. So every time you deal with a behaviour you don't like, it is not a failure but positive because it is a step towards her learning what she needs to do.

Few children will do exactly what you ask them to do immediately. It is part of growing up having to tell them things many times, and resulting to shouting so they do do it is natural too. I am a pretty calm mum, but I too end up shouting after I have asked them three times to do something. I don't feel bad though, I tell them it is the unpleasant result of them choosing not to get going right away, if they did, I wouldn't have to shout.

As for the little lies etc..., it is a result of her frustration not being able to do something she really wants to do or think she should be able to do. I would say to make sure to always give an explanation when you tell her no, or tell her to do something she really doesn't want to do. Show some flexibility too sometimes. I tell my kids 9 times out of 10 no when they ask for chocolate or treats, but occasionally, I will say yes, an laugh about it say I must be soft on that day. Answering back... I distinguish them trying to express their feelings (which I always encourage) and talking back for the sake of avoiding things. If they talk calmly and tell me why they want to do it later (the usual response), I'll tell them why it isn't an option, or occasionally negotiate if I think they have a point. If they start raising their voice, or disregard everything I say, the discussion is over and they have to get on with things. I'll tell them what their consequences will be if they don't and leave it to them to decide. My DD always go and do what I ask her to do (usually badly ), my DS stomps to his bedroom in anger, have a moan for 5 minutes, comes back down and apologise and then get on with what I asked him to do. I know that's what will happen now, so I let him get on with it.

I think being strict and having high expectations is good, but I think sometimes it can go a bit too far in terms of taking all control away from children, which for strong willed children can result more in unresolved frustration than good behaviour. I would advice to continue to discipline your DD as you do, but don't let her behaviour make you believe that she is a trouble child, she is not, she is a learning child testing her boundaries, this is not a bad trait to have, she just needs more time to learn how to channel it.

travelgran

"Our youngest used to say, 'No sank you!' when we asked him to do something he didn't want to!"

Yes! My favourite is always the "would you like to...." instruction. It implies there's an option to not do whatever it is and is usually for something the child wouldn't actually like to do!

merlin68

You need to pick your battles and decide what's important. I was like this with my first and she was awful, with the second 2 I relaxed and there good as gold.
My first DD was a nightmare, but when your stressed and constantly shouting, you end up in a viscous circle and the child picks up on it. They learn to wind you up. Step back and relax a bit more.

bahamas_1350

Just wanted to add that my son is 6 and 3 months and he is exactly the same, I just put it down to age. However it is very frustrating and I have to do the constant nagging to get ready in the morning for school, clean your teeth and so on.

I frequently end up shouting and getting myself in a tiz, but he is just a normal lively young child, testing the boundaries.

I too have wondered about hearing problems, but rest assured he can hear me rustling a sweet packet on the other side of the house, so it is just selective lol.

No real advice, just hoping they grow out of it some time soon.:)

JulieGeorgiana

This is a yo-yo pattern of behaviour. She is testing your boundaries, and she will do it until you 'snap' because she know's she has won!

My DS is now 9.5 and I still get this behaviour from time to time as he tries to assert himself.

You are doing all the right things, apart from yelling. There is one better thing then yelling, and within a week I guarentee you will be in control of this situation. Some people might find it too strict, but this works for me... very rarely get past 2 warnings!

1) When she misbehaves give her a warning, tell her it's her first warning and 3 warnings will result in the naughty corner
2) When she misbehaves/ignores you give her a 2nd warning, tell her it's her first warning and 3 warnings will result in the naughty corner
3) When she misbehaves/ignores you give her a 3rd warning, and place her in the naughty corner, tell her why you placed her there
4) Set the timer for 1min for each year of her age, if she talks/shouts/comes out of the corner the timer gets reset
5) When she comes out tell her what behaviour she went in for and talk to her, but make sure she pays attention (I don't allow my son to talk until I am finished, to show respect... he get's warnings if he doesn't pay attention or answers back... and goes back in if he doesn't listen). Once finished allow her to talk, and then apologise.
6) Hug her, and tell her you love her and you know she's a good child.

Many people are amazed I do this still with a 9 year old, but i hate shouting and I think children need to respect their elders and understand they cannot have an opinion at inappropriate times (this is why he is allowed to have one at the end... you don't want to make them feel like you don't care). The same people who are surprised I do this, also mention how well behaved my son is, how respectful, caring and polite. And you know what, he is all those things most of the time because he has respect. He is also a normal 9 year old, who has opinions, and doesn't want to go to bed and do chores!

I don't shout at or smack my son. So I believe this is very effective.

Good luck with your daughter.

Racheldevon

Lots of good advice above.. in terms of some other avenues that might be worth exploring. Someone has already mentioned Triple P which is a good course. In a lot of areas the various evidence based courses such as Triple P, Solihull, Incredible Years etc are offered across the learning community. So I would speak to your school nurse, and to you school head to find out if anything if being run that you could attend. In some areas sure start centres are delivering them co facilitated with another agency like the parent support advisors that some schools have which opens the age range from beyond their usual 0-5, to up to 11 years. Also have a look at your local authority website which will often have a whole load of information about similiar things being run, best of luck

Kathy535

Kids are such hard work! I'm always surprised how strong willed they are.

I second the recommendation for 'Toddler Taming' (it's by Christopher Green, I think) - it's a really good book and relevant for all children, not just toddlers.

From reading your post, I don't get a feel for what happens if your daughter doesn't do as she's told. If there is no consequence or if she gets attention (even negative) for continuing to do what she's been told not to, then there's some incentive for her to be naughty. Make sure you spell out the consequence ('I don't want you to climb on the table, if you get up there again then you will go to the naughty corner / I will take away your favorite toy etc) and then if she doesn't stop do it. You must be consistent otherwise she won't learn that when Mummy tells her to do something, she means it and not doing it will result in a sanction. It can be hard to carry out the sanction - especially when it's something that hurts you both - I can remember telling my DD that we wouldn't go to the Ice Cream Parlour if she continued to act up, I really wanted that ice cream but we didn't go! Make sure too that you remind DD why the sanction applies - eg 'you are on the naughty step / can't play with your doll / we haven't gone to the park / your friend isn't coming over because you didn't stop climbing on the table like mummy told you to'.

You'll know what sanction works best for your daughter. For mine, it was always withdrawal of attention which worked - even now (she's 15)!

JulieGeorgiana's advice is good, it's the supernanny route and it does work - but you do need to be consistent and firm. Remember, you are the adult, you are in charge. You are not pleading with your daughter to be good. She doesn't (shouldn't) have the power in the relationship - you do.