Struggling with my daughter :-(

Itsadogslife_2

I don't know where else to post but don't know where to go for help

My DD is 6.5 years old and I am struggling so much with her behaviour at the moment. I feel like life is a constant battle and I feel awful as it is probably not dreadful outbursts like some people experience but just quite naughty constantly.

I sometimes think it might be me and that she is probably just behaving like a normal child.

She answers back most things, if you ask her to do something she is cheeky, answering back, why. If she is doing something and I want her to stop doing it, I have to say it at least 3 times and if I am lucky enough that she will stop it, she is normally back doing it again in 3/4 minutes time. It causes tensions because I can ask her to stop doing it 3 times and she carries on and then OH shouts at her (which normally stops her temporarily) but I don't want a household that has to resort to shouting to get people to behave.

She tells little lies, about stupid things and so I don't know when she is telling the truth, the things that I ask her not to do, she will try and do when I am not looking. This includes taking things that are not hers and doing things I have asked her not to do.

Tonight at bedtime, she didn't want to go - asked if she could stay up a little longer and we said no it was time for bed. So when she got into bed, she started to cry saying she was worried - I don't think she is, I think she is using it as a delaying, attention seeking exercise.

I have tried rewards and rewarding the good behaviour. I have tried getting down on her level and making her look at me before asking her to stop it. i have tried taking things away as punishment and nothing seems to work.

I have resorted to shouting tonight, but it has made me so angry and sad and I am sat stewing about it now down here whilst she is up in bed fast asleep like she hasn't a care in the world.

Does anyone have any ideas? A friend has suggested I talk the GP as a first port of call but I don't want them to look at me and think that this is just normal child behaviour and it is me that has the problem and me wish I had never told anyone as everyone then thinking I am nuts. I know children can have their moments but she seems relentless.

The same friend suggested that maybe I get her hearing tested as well to make sure that she is hearing me.

I just don't want to carry on with all the yelling and shouting, I actually made a comment to my OH earlier after the episode at bedtime that I could see the attraction for childless couples - now I feel really sad that I said it, but I still think it - I find being a parent really tough

Sorry for the depressing post - I hope you don't all think I am a bad parent

mrcow

Catch her being good. Praise the behaviour at you want to see. Give he reason to comply.

Rather than telling her what not to do, give her something constructive to do. Is she a only child or does she have other children to play with in the house? If she's on her own, she needs you to play with her and involve her.

Make her want to be good so that she can be rewaded. [STRIKE]Bribery [/STRIKE] Rewards can work wonders.

foxymum1977_2

dont think you're a bad parent hun ((hugs)) we all have our own struggles with our children,we have 3, our 10 year old DS sounds a bit like your daughter, i have to ask him repeatedly to do things, such as bedtime, brush teeth, get dressed etc before he actually does it!
i havnt got any real advise im afraid, hopefully someone else with better advise will come along and help you, i just wanted to let you know you are not alone,and we all think the thoughts you did regarding being a childless couple, but we dont really mean it, its all fun and games being a family buy bloody hard work most of the time, i always think the hard work out weighs the laughter in our house and that worried me but im sure its quite normal ( i hope lol) xx

emmylou83_2

She sounds just like my DD2, who will be 7 in January. She can be a nightmare at times, u literally have to get in her face and give her 1 simple instruction at a time. Any more than 1 thing on a list of things to do is just impossible for her to do. And like your daughter, u tell her no 3-4 times, and u turn around to find her back doing it again. She wont ever admit to doing anything "wrong" or "naughty" toinight for example, i went to use the toilet and there were 3 hairbands in the pan, but apparently it wasnt her, yet it most definately wasnt anyone else! She has also written her own name on the cream walls before now and point blank denied it was her! DD3 was 2 at the time and DD1 wasnt even at home! She also has a terrible habit of howling her head off when she has been told off, and i mean proper crying like a baby having a tanrum. Its ridiculous at her age, and I know she does it for attention.I have had her ears tested, and they are fine, and the school dont seem to have picked up on anything. Have you spoken to the school teachers yet? It may simply be thats just how she is in her home environment.
I`m really sorry i cant actually offer any help or advice other than have a chat to the school teachers. Just wanted u to know ur not on ur own, and i`m HOPING its just her age xx

Gingham_R

Hiya

First of all - don't worry - this is fixable!

The best parenting book I read was 'How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' and I highly recommend it.

It uses a calm, fair, consistent and respectful approach that builds on communication and consequences and avoids punishment. It's worked a treat for us.

Just one other point, what happened when she was crying and sayign she was scared? I wonder if maybe there is something bothering her?

DevilsAdvocate1

My 6 and a half year old is exactly the same at the moment. I've lost count of the number of times I've asked him not to do something today and he's replied with "Why". For example, he kept swinging the chair onto the 2 back legs. I asked him to keep all 4 legs on the floor and got told "Why". So I explained how it could damage the chair and how he could lose his balance, fall back and hurt himself. He shouted back that this wouldn't happen every time I tried to explain.

Its very frustrating and I'm relieved he is now in bed. He seems much worse this week and I think its the excitement for Christmas.

You're not alone.

missindecisive

Before I had children, I may have seen a child playing up for a parent, say, in a supermarket, and I would have thought "why can't that child behave? Why does'nt that parent sort that child out!"

Now that I have become a parent myself, I realise that things are not that simple. They are a little person in their own right, with their own opinions, thoughts and behaviours. Parenting is a constant round of negotiating, you can't rule them, they will object. !! There have been so many times where I have felt like you do, infact my 8 yr old daughter sounds just like yours. My sister is childless and often frowns upon my dd's behaviour, she finds her disrespectful, she may answer back or 'tant' to get her own way, and we have many many meltdowns from her. All I can say, is that eventually, she will become more reasonable, my older children are proof of that, this phase will not last forever.

You just have to go by a few simple rules.
when you say 'no' you mean it, and don't go back on it.
reward good behaviour with treats and over the top praising!
make her your best friend aswell as your daughter, make time to do fun things together and time when its just you two- one to one.
children are not born naughty, they just learn from being a baby that if you want something, kick up a fuss and mum will respond!
Also, give yourself some time out for yourself, sometimes you need a girly night, a bath on your own, a walk on your own or time to visit a friend without any little ones with you. You need time to re-charge your own batteries. Things seem so much worse when your tired out.
your child does not need the doctor, it all sounds like normal family life to me ! good luck it will pass...one day!

ps. my mil says to me that you never stop worrying about them, even when they are grown up! :rotfl:

adamantine

you are not a bad parent at all. the fact you have sought advice shows how good a parent you actually are!

the hearing test is a good place to start. my friend thought her son was deliberately ignoring her till he had a hearing test. he recently had gromits fitted and he is like a different child.

how is she at school? is her behaviour the same there or better?

rather than saying "no stop that/dont do that" try "mummy could use your help. can you do this with me please?" or "here you go, here is such and such to play with/do/read/make" and try to turn the negatives into a positive.

do you still have the number for your HV? i know she is too old to be under the care of the HV anymore but my HVs ran the triple P course and that gave me a few idea on different things to do with my eldest that im taking onto doing with DS2 now he is hitting terrible 2s. it was 1 hour 1 day a week over 6 weeks and well worth giving it a shot.

hope ive given you a few idea on things to try if you havent already tried them too.

and remember you are not a bad parent! you are admitting its a struggle and looking for help. that takes a really wonderful parent to be able to look to improve!

splishsplash

I think it's very easy as parents to get sucked into a really negative place where everything feels like it's a constant battle, that all we seem to be saying is 'No, don't do that, don't touch that, do this, do that, I'm warning you, I'm tired of telling you xyz'. It's a tough place to be in, because it sucks the fun and lightness out of parenting a child who I'm betting is running on overdrive two days before Christmas!

It may be time for you to let a few things slide, pick your battles carefully, and enjoy the next few days with your daughter. Look at her with fresh eyes, and look at things from her point of view. She's only little, and sometimes it's better to be happy than right. Let your interactions with her be based on positives instead of negatives, look for ways to giggle and have fun, praise anything that can be praised and keep away from constant giving out about nothing. Beware of excessive negotiation and reasoning too - at 6, that will be mostly about the chat for her, not the content, you could recite nursery rhymes for all the meaning she'll take from it half the time.

I know it's a total cliche to say time flies, but it really does. Before you know it, your little girl will be off out into the world, and you'll be missing these days! Christmas can be a stressful time for everyone, but try not to let it colour your fun with your daughter.

With regard to the 'Why?' question (assuming it's not really a request for knowledge), just match her with 'Why not?' or 'Just because' until she gives up.

Merry Christmas!

Weightwatcher

Please be reassured it will pass, this behaviour is not forever. All I can say is PRAISE, PRAISE, PRAISE.

Try using 'I' a lot to say how you feel as it is a more powerful way of communicating, what you are saying then sounds less like an order and then reduces resistance, it makes them connect with how their behaviour is making you feel. eg 'I like it when you play nicely like that'. 'It makes me happy when you help me put your stuff away'.'It's great when we get on well together like this'. This is from Mark Hamer's 'The Rules' book on another-way.co.uk. It is a really helpful reminder of what we know anyway but find it difficult to do sometimes!

Good luck and Merry Christmas!:)

kingfisherblue

Some good advice from other posters, so I won't repeat any of it. Just one thing, though - do you have any worries about her hearing? You mentioned that a friend suggested that you get it checked, but don't say what you decided to do about this.

I have requested a hearing test for my youngest son, as he doesn't seem to hear me when I ask him to do something (or not to do something!). I know that all kids have selective hearing at times, but this is my third child and he just seems a bit different, so I do think it could be a hearing problem (especially as school have commented on his poor memory as well - I think he might not have heard in the first place). In my area, you can refer your child to audiology without a GP or school nurse referral, but it might be worth checking with your PCT what the procedure for referrals is. I'm still waiting for my son's appointment date but will chase it up in the new year - I have to go to the audiology clinic with my older son anyway, as he now has a hearing aid (deafness due to his other disabilities - not a family type of deafness, so no link with his brother's possible hearing problems).

If nothing else, a hearing test can set your mind at rest. The RNID have an online test, but for children I would always recommend seeing a specialist.

In the meantime, try to relax and have a good christmas - and reassure yourself that you are not a bad mum, you obviouly care for your daughter, but she is wearing you out at the moment.