What can we do to help?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Don't be surprised if he wants her to change job and not tell you where she is.

He can't really make her give up work altogether though, as then she'd be in the house unsupervised, so that's a positive. Unless he does the kind of work that could be done self employed.

Outer_Limits

Holly, have you looked up Narcissistic Personality Disorder on the web and checked whether your BIL matches the check list?

If he does you could print the list off for your sister to check through, maybe with the explanation of what this means, or with others' stories that are most similar to hers (so she sees it's him, not her, with a problem.)

She needs to understand that this is unfortunately a common problem, and she is in the same situation as all these other people.
She is not stupid or not good enough, that is just one of his tricks.
Also he will only get worse not better, and the longer she stays the harder it will be to recover from the damage he has done.

pearl123

Perhaps give her the book "Inside the mind of angry young me. Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft.
(It not just about domestic abuse, but controlling behaviour and verbal abuse.)
Maybe she could read it when he's not around. This book will not help her understand him but realise that she needs to leave him.
If she does stay she needs to learn to put her foot down.

sassyblue

You're doing all the right things - just keep doing them...

It took my own sister about 15 years but she got there in the end, reducing him to a gibbering begging wreck, he soon got over it though and found his next [STRIKE]girlfriend[/STRIKE] victim.

We also had his mother to contend with, a bossy domineering old w1tch who told him his marriage would have worked had my sister not had us sisters to tell her he wasn't normal (which she knew really).

I couldn't stand the site of him either, he smoked but he didn't dare tell his mum because she didn't like it (he was nearly 40 a big pathetic mummys boy), he had BO, was old fashioned and vulgar - God knows what she saw in him but he was charming when my sister was 18 and thought he was caring when he wanted to know where she was and who she was with at all times, by the time she could see what he was doing she had two children, no money and wasn't allowed to work.

It will take time but she will get there, just keep supporting her.

My sisters life has totally transformed, she owns a house and has a good job and is engaged to a lovely man who worships her.

Good luck, as l said your sister will 'get it' one day - and from then his days are numbered.

MissShoes

Do everything you can to be there for her, be ready to take her in should she need you to and try to talk some sense in to her if there is an opportunity.

Wishing you all the best with this for your sister and you.

meritaten

holly - other posters have given excellent advice!
it is far too late to start pandering to him - he KNOWS you are a threat to his domination of your sister!
right now, all you can do is to constantly be THERE for your sister. turn up unexpectedly, do not wait for an invitation (!!!!!! - who needs an invitation to visit their sister? thats suss for a start). Do not in any way antagonise him to his face!
reassure your sister, when you are alone, that she is welcome to stay at your home and YOU will protect her - or will help her 'hide' from him if thats what she wants. Tell her that you too, were 'taken in' by him and its no reflection on her that he has turned into this awful person. but keep it low key hun. she is very fragile I suspect - and doesnt know what the hell to believe!
He may well have a Narcissistic Disorder, but, he is abusing your sister and she would be well out of it.
Be patient - she probably doesnt have the courage to leave and more than likely will think she is too stupid, too idiotic, too EVERYTHING he has told her - to manage on her own! quietly bolster her confidence if you can.
This type of person will either take a very confident woman and reduce her to a nervous wreck or a shy diffident person he can control from the start - which type was she?

Blackpool_Saver

I have been in your sisters position and you can't think straight, you are paralysed with fear, I had nowhere to escape to and this is why I stayed, let her know she does have an escape route and keep it open on HER TERMS, the ones she can cope with while coping with him.

jojo_2012_2

hollyh wrote: »

induldge in his fetish for alfresco loving?

Fun, but a bit nippy isn't it.

If it were my sister I'd invite myself round there, see how far I could push the jerk. Hard for her to see things from the outside when everything seems to be directed at her.

Blackpool_Saver

jojo_2012 wrote: »

Fun, but a bit nippy isn't it.

If it were my sister I'd invite myself round there, see how far I could push the jerk. Hard for her to see things from the outside when everything seems to be directed at her.

Yes but she would pay for it after they left

dottygirl

Hi I was wondering what you decided to do Holly h. I hope you and your sister had a lovely time. Be nice to your brother in law but always be REALLY nice to your sister. She needs to know she is loved. May 2012 be your sister s year x