What can we do to help?

Barneysmom

He sounds terrible, I think his behaviour will get worse and she will be in danger, I'd get her out quickly.

belfastgirl23

The only thing you can do is keep in mind that he WANTS to drive you away so he can isolate her even more. Personally I'd kill him with kindness, every nasty thing he says I'd say something sweet back. That way your sister can't blame you for any problems and it will help her to see where the real problem is. Also you give him no excuses at all to cut her off from you. At some point she will see sense and it sounds like she got close to that point already. And you need to be there with open arms.

I'm not saying it's easy but you did ask what you could do to help.

dottygirl

Sadly I know from experience what it is like to live with a controlling man. Up to the point he broke my nose tried to keep me away from my family (they lived in a different county 3 hrs away). He even tried to stop my family from saying goodbye to our dying daughter. It took me 20 years to finally leave him for good. I left him several times and each time he promised me he would change. I went with our other daughter into a women refuge where only my best friend knew where we were. Having the complete break from him gave me the strength to stay away. Im happy now I dont think I will ever have a man in my life - but I live in hope lol. Your sister needs you please go on Christmas Eve. Believe me you will save her a lot of ear ache. Give her lots of hugs. Dont say anything bad about her husband! (Yes its hard). I hope one day your sister will find the strength to leave and you will be there. x

mrcow

Belfastgirl, that's what I was trying to say. Go round there tomorrow wth flowers and presents, smiles and cuddles. Tell her (again) how important she is to you. He can't slate you for that. Don't give him ammo or anything that will give perceived power to him. It sounds like she needs you more than ever right nnow.

Janey3

Would it cause trouble for her if you called on her unexpectedly instead of arranged visits? Are there any other members of your family who could call on her now and again? Think what I'm trying to say is that he's got to be shown that you and your family are not going to disappear to suit him and that you are going to be there for your sister no matter what. I think I would probably grit my teeth and go on Christmas Eve too.

hollyh

Thanks i might just do that.

McKneff

Do they have a patio:D

Does it need any attention:D

dottygirl

Well done Hollyh. I know it will be hard but try and be extra nice to your brother in law. That way he cant give your sister a hard time ie your family dont like me. They are trying to come between us etc etc. All things my husband used to say to me. The only contact I was allowed was with my other brother who was always "nice" to my husband. Even typing this is making me feel "yuk". Your sister really needs you even if she doesnt know it yet. Take care x

runningwoman

dottygirl wrote: »

Well done Hollyh. I know it will be hard but try and be extra nice to your brother in law. That way he cant give your sister a hard time ie your family dont like me. They are trying to come between us etc etc. All things my husband used to say to me. The only contact I was allowed was with my other brother who was always "nice" to my husband. Even typing this is making me feel "yuk". Your sister really needs you even if she doesnt know it yet. Take care x

^^^^

THIS

Was trying to write something along these lines but struggling with wording.

For someone in a tough relationship, thinking "oh everyone I know is paying attention to me and my partner and seeing I've screwed up" (of course this is not what is REALLY happening but it's easy to see things clearly when you are on the outside) can have a negative effect and drive them MORE into the abusers power.

They're too ashamed/proud to be seen as the weak victim who has made a bad choice. So they just end up more isolated, which plays into the abusers hands. It becomes an us vs them situation, and unfortunately the husband and your sister will be the "us".

Just be there without commenting too much, or letting your sister know you opinion (hard, I'm truly sorry) too much.

All the best, you really have my sympathies.

hollyh

Thanks guys x