What can we do to help?

hollyh

My Sister has been married for just over 6 years to a very controlling man.

There have been many incidents over the years but now it's got to the point where we see her for 1 hour a week in her lunch break. We can't go to her house because he makes it impossible, taking her out on an urgent errand for example when we're due to arrive. She's not allowed anywhere on her own, she can go to our other Sister's house with him but not on her own. If she has a day off work he has to have the same one too.

We were invited to go over there Christmas Eve but because he's said some horrible things about my Son and is a complete and utter !!!!!! i do not want to spend anytime with him what so ever.

We'd arranged to meet up in the pub yesterday lunchtime to exchange presents. He knew it was arranged. He text her yesterday asking if she could meet him for lunch yesterday and she said no. He went completely mad saying she shouldn't put us 1st because we don't care about her if we can't even be bothered to come and see her on Christmas Eve.

Lunch was ruined yesterday because of him and now she has to tell him in advance when we're doing lunch so she can still meet him to induldge in his fetish for alfresco loving. Soon he'll stop lunch all together and we won't see her at all.

I was shocked when i saw her yesterday she looked a complete nervous wreck. She's so skinny and pale and looks so anxious.

When we were with her she was saying she knew his reaction wasn't right but now she's with him she's saying she can see his point and is trying to make him forgive her. She's so worn down by him she's got no fight in her and she thinks she's in the wrong.

What on earth can i do to get her away from this controlling excuse for a man?

mrcow

Well for starters, don't give up. No matter how difficult he makes it. He doesn't control YOU.

And keep up the lunch time meetings. Surprise her if you have to so she doesn't tell him. Always let her know that you are there and that you always will be. One day she will wake up and see it for it is.

McKneff

Until it gets to the stage when she wants to be away from him, then there is nothing you can do I'm afraid,

Has she indicated that she wants to be away from him.

hollyh

I'm not giving up ever. I think he'll be texting her every day to meet him for lunch from now on so she can't see us.

claire16c

In my experience of knowing someone who was in a similar position to your sister, sadly there is not much you can do, until she realises it for herself. You could point it out til you are blue in the face, but surely after 6 years she should realise it already - and so if she doesnt, Im not sure there is much you can actually physically do, apart from let her know you are always there for her even if she never takes any advice.

I think you should go there for xmas eve though. No matter what this pathetic man has said about your son, I think it would be worse to stay away and give him any excuse to say anything bad about you to your sister.

I think on the womens aid website or somewhere similar, perhaps do a google search, there is a list of red flags to look out for, for the signs of a controlling relationship - one being stopping contact with the persons family - which hes obviously trying to do. You could always print it out and give it to her and try and show it is not normal. But it might be better to show it to her when shes with you without him incase he found it.

The person i knew, eventually left her partner after having 2 kids with him. A couple of years later she met someone else, everyone breathed a sigh of relief, and then he turned out to be even worse. She stayed with him, and even got pregnant again! (which unfortunately now means she has to see him for the next 18 years as her son has to have contact with him, even though by this point he was shown in court to be violent..). When she came home from the hospital he asked why hadnt she cooked his dinner.. She still stayed with him. Until one day he came home and broke her nose infront of the kids. That was what it took for her to realise it wasnt normal behaviour.

I hope your sister realises before something like that happens.

hollyh

Yesterday she said she didn't want to be with him if he wouldn't let her see her family but she also said she loves him and he's not like this all the time, sometimes he can be really nice.

He said he was going to leave her because she put us before him and we don't care about her etc. She's been really upset at the thought of him leaving.

claire16c

The person i knew used to say 'But hes so charming.'

One of the things on the red flags thing, Im sure says something about this - that the controlling man is often very charming or charasmatic when they want to be. Its all part of the act.

mrcow

hollyh wrote: »

He said he was going to leave her because she put us before him and we don't care about her etc. She's been really upset at the thought of him leaving.

If this was my sister, I'd be telling her that she has a bed in my home for as long as she needs it for.

And wild horses wouldn't stop me from seeing her on Christmas eve (whether he was around or not). Yo need to go tomorrow - as hard as it will be. He WANTS you to give up - then he can turn around and tell her "I told you so"

hollyh

She knows that anyway we've all told her she can stay with one of us.

I'm not sure about tomorrow i don't want to do anything that makes things worse for her. I can see what you're saying though and i will think on it.

krlyr

Could it be worth printing out some articles on controlling partners? Don't know of any myself but if she recognises the different signs of it she may be able to admit the situation she's in.

hollyh

The last incident (i can't remember what it was over now there's been so many) she did go on the Woman's Aid site for advice so she knows it's not right.