How did you cope?

sassyblue

ninnoodle wrote: »

After trying for over 3 years, loads of tests and a laporoscopy, I have been told I won't conceive naturally. My only choice is to get my fallopian tubes removed and have IVF (if I didn't get them removed, my chances of conceiving with IVF alone would be around 10% apparently). Where I live there is a 2 year waiting list, by which time I will be nearly 40. The NHS doesn't give IVF to women 40+. So, my only option then is to have my tubes removed and pay for it privately, upfront. My OH and I are in serious debt. We can try and raise the money and put the debt on hold. It is our only chance.

If not, then I resign myself to the fact that it is not meant to be, for me. I try not to think of it in terms of 'poor me' but to be brave and realise there is more to my life than just conceiving.

What this means for the future for me and my OH, who knows? We may split up because of it - how could I deny him the chance of having a baby he really wants? I'm a firm believer in things happening for a reason though, and certainly don't or won't feel my life is worthless because I can't have kids.

Did you know you can ask your doctor to write you a prescription for the drugs you use though? If you have a nice doctor that is, at least it's a few hundred pounds saved.

dizziblonde: " people give you about how their Great Aunt had had all her internal organs removed, went on holiday for a fortnight, relaxed and ended up with quads" - The damned 'relaxed' word l used to hate that. :eek:

bexxie90

I am lucky ennought to have three much loves beautiful children who are the light of my life. However reading this has brought me to tears as I wish I could do something to help. I went through and enquired about donating my eggs and have been given a blunt NO,why? Because I am 36 years old,this seems so unfair as I would love to offer this to someone in the hope it helps them have a beautiful child. I have also considered surrogacy but am unsure if my husband would support me in this-I feel I could do this and reading this thread has definately given me some food for thought.

It makes me angry that people who dont particularly give a toss about their children can fall at the drop of a hat....I have had 11 Miscarriages so can empathise to some extent but obviously as I have three children I will never be able to understand the pain that you have been through.

Sorry if I make no sense at all and for butting in

Bex x

dizziblonde

sassyblue wrote: »

Did you know you can ask your doctor to write you a prescription for the drugs you use though? If you have a nice doctor that is, at least it's a few hundred pounds saved.

dizziblonde: " people give you about how their Great Aunt had had all her internal organs removed, went on holiday for a fortnight, relaxed and ended up with quads" - The damned 'relaxed' word l used to hate that. :eek:

The other one that used to crack me up (sorry, I have quite a dark sense of humour) was "are you sure you're doing it right" delivered in quite an earnest, concerned way.

The temptation to reply with comments like "Oh you mean the sausage doesn't go in my ear/THAT hole?!" depending on the audience you were with was too much to resist at times!

lollyb84

I'm not quite sure what to say, as this thread has reduced me to tears. I recently got married, and although we're not thinking of children just yet, this has got me thinking about if we couldn't have any. We've had the conversation before, but I guess it's easy to talk about it in a hypothetical way, without really considering just how I would feel.

I guess I just wanted to thank you for sharing your stories, hopefully they'll help others know they are not alone, and wish you all the very best for the future. (sorry if that sounds a little crass).

Lolly. xx

jodie114

The one thing i think i really wanted to add after that last post was - get tested! go to your gp, and get them to check that everything is working ok if you are even slightly thinking about kids. Trust me, it would have been much easier to deal with as a routine test than after months of trying. getting the no blue line, the tears, the longing looks at buggies etc and then be told it can't happen. -it pays to know!

Caroline73_2

dizziblonde wrote: »

The other one that used to crack me up (sorry, I have quite a dark sense of humour) was "are you sure you're doing it right" delivered in quite an earnest, concerned way.

The temptation to reply with comments like "Oh you mean the sausage doesn't go in my ear/THAT hole?!" depending on the audience you were with was too much to resist at times!

I used to work in Obs and Gynae theatre and from discussions with consultants I found out that this isn't such a ridiculous question! Surprised me but apparently it wasn't where the sausage went but couples weren't waiting until the sausage was 'cooked'.

That's a euphemism I never thought I'd use.

babymoo

Wow - What a response. There is a lot that I want to write so this could be a long post. Sorry.

Patchwork Cat - Yes I have thought of Adoption and Surrogacy at great length since the day I was told I would never conceive. DP isn't a fan of surrogacy and the older I've gotten the more I've realised it just is not right for me either. Adoption is something my DP always wanted to do eventually even before he met me so I am hoping that that will be a way forward for us but if it's not then I will learn to live with that I guess the same way I have learnt to live with never carrying my own. 1 thing I will add and I don't mean this offensively to you as I know you were only trying to help but it is the question I hear most and the question that now does wind me up the most because most people think I genuinely haven't thought about it. I can guarantee you any woman in my position will know almost everything about surrogacy or adoption or both. Please be gentle who you ask this question to. Thank you though as it has helped me to raise another point


Grimbal - I just don't know what to say. I am so very sorry. May I ask why the adoption/surrogacy option was removed? You don't have to answer, just intrigued as it is a worry of mine.

Sassyblue - Thanks for PMing me that website I will have a look later on. I felt bitter for a long time and I probably do, especially if I see people I used to know who were horrible to me and I feel dont deserve to be parents (I know that is horrible) pushing a pram or wanting to show me their little one. I have got to the point now where I can share in the joy of a friends new baby and their child, the majority of it is from a distance and I feel that is my way of protecting myself and it's really sad that I lose friends that way because some don't understand why I can't be around their children all the time. I was terrified when my brother and his gf got pregnant, I thought I would push myself into a corner, lock myself away from my family and destroy myself to be honest and I really think I would have done if I hadn't have been granted CBT that I had been waiting for for 5 years!! I started the CBT the day after I found out they were pregnant and it was a godsend and a lifesaver and really helped me to deal with my issues and why I hate my body so much and punish my body so much.

Sunflower76 - I could have written that, my heart goes out to you. I totally understand and feel every word that you said. It's scary when you finally reveal how your truly feeling underneath the pasted on smile that the world see's and don't you dare remove that post. That post is true emotion, everything offends someone but this thread is for support of dealing with this and you can't get that if your scared of upsetting someone.

I'm the same I can cope with my niece, I adore her. I love her the way I think I would love my own. When she was born I sat at the hospital and just sobbed, they were a mixture of happy tears but the sheer joy on my brother and his gf's face and meeting my niece for the first time just 30 mins after she was born was incredible and I ached in every single part of my body I ached as I knew that that was something I would never experience. When they found out they were pregnant, they came and talked to my mum and told her and all agreed that no one else found out until they had told me and he sat on it for nearly a week before telling me as he just didn't know how to. He was crying as he told me and he said he'd been dreading it as he knew he had the one thing I will never have. That afternoon, I cried, I laughed, I got excited and then I hid. I wasn't sure I could be a part of it but they made me be a part of it, they kept me involved in every step of the pregnancy, I went to scans, I got to keep scan pictures, I even went to an ante-natal class and was asked to be there at the birth. Everything I experienced with them truly helped but I couldn't do the being present at birth bit, that was too much. I sat in a room downstairs and waited for them with mum. I've seen my niece twice a week for the last 9 and half months and I adore everything about her. When she was 5 weeks she stayed over with mum for the night and I came home after a night out and just sat and looked at her and when she woke up I gave her a cuddle and cried and told her everything, sounds stupid perhaps but I told her how special she is and why and that she will never understand how amazing she is and why i love her so much. She has helped me deal with everythign so much and I am so so thankful that I have her in my life or I still wouldn't have dealt with my issues quite so much.

Vfm4meplease - why is this not a supportive thread?

Ninnoodle - I totally understand when you say you may split if you can't have your children with hubby, what I will say and I may be wrong here, is to let that decision be his. Don't assume you know what is best for him when it comes to this, I learnt this lesson with my DP after trying to push him away because I cant have them and he sat me down one day and said to me that he loves me for me, not for my fertility or lack of. It's part of the package.

Dizziblonde - not offended and thank you for sharing. I feel your pain hun

Bexxi - When I first started to read your thread I felt a bit annoyed tbh, purely because this was about helping women like me cope with never having our own bundles of joy, as I read on I obviously realised that you too wanted to help us and that is an amazing truly amazing thing. Talk to your husband, you never know if he would stand by you or not. Surrogates and donors are angels on earth in my opinion.

Lollyb - The one thing I have told all my friends, rightly or wrongly is to NEVER assume you can get pregnant as you fall so much harder when your convinced you can. I think education fails us here because were taught how to stop an unwanted pregnancy but were never taught that actually it might not happen. Every little girl grows up thinking its a god given right that her body will carry a baby and every little boy assumes that he will get any woman pregnant, this is not the case and I believe that it should be taught that it isnt a god given right.

Sorry it has been a long post and i've read all your replies and everyone has touched my heart and as daft as it sounds, it's lovely to know that people do understand me as I've never known anyone who truly does. I got kicked off a forum for women who had had hysterectomies once because I was too young and they assumed I was lying and have since been too scared to look for amymore support so it's nice knowing there are a few who do understand. Thank you and thank you for baring your souls, I realise how difficult it is to do that.

ETA: How do you get out of doing something if you know that children will be involved and you can't face it? I have gotten to the point where I am just honest now and say I am not feeling child friendly today, sorry. People who really care wont argue and the one's who think I am selfish for not going to whatever event will not be hearing from me again.

ninnoodle

Hi babymoo, thanks for your lovely reply to everyone.

One thing that does annoy me is when people know of my situation, but still rub it in about their kids. I was at my mum's and my best friend came round, and they both sat there in front of me going on for 2 hours about pregnancies and births. My mum and friend had just weeks before learnt about my situation. I felt very hurt as this seemed so dismissive of my feelings, although of course I sat there with a smile plastered on my face and laughed along at their 'birth horror' or 'birth easy' stories. But seriously, have some sensitivity!

BugglyB

One thing people so commonly say is 'but you can adopt, right?'

Adoption isn't the same as having a birth child. I'm not one of those idiots that says that you dont love your adopted children the same as birth children, because thats clearly not true! But nevertheless. One of the sad things about not being able to conceive is you dont ever get that 'I'm pregnant' feeling, being able to tell people and have them share your joy, going to the midwife, its never just going to 'happen'. You have to plan it, work at it, choose when the time is right to 'apply' and find out whether you're good enough instead of letting nature take its course.


I'm not saying adoption isn't as good, or that it doesn't have its own joys and rewards that birth doesn't. Just that its very different - adoption agencies themselves tell you not to see it as a 'substitiute', but as a different path.

BitterAndTwisted

I don't belong here but I'm shouldering my way in anyway. When I was young I accepted that inevitably I would marry and have a family just like everyone else did. I didn't, I never met anyone that being together with long-term was ever even a vague possibility. I was always too afraid to just get on with it and have a child on my own like some other women I knew This was a long, long time ago and much less commonplace than it is now. I knew my parents would have taken it very badly, to put it mildly. That much was made very, very clear. I saw how my friends struggled and knew that I wouldn't cope. That I'd starve. I had a very unhappy childhood and feared that I'd be a bad mother. That I'd contaminate with what it was that I endured and made me miserable and somehow infect someone else with it. When my sisters and friends had their lovely babies I was happy for them but there was a tiny corner of my heart that hated them for it and I was ashamed. And then nature took its course and there was nothing to do about it any more.

It's not the just coping, it's trying to achieve acceptance somehow. It's hard but it is possible. Now that it's out of the question I somehow feel free. That it's not my choice any longer and I don't have the opportunity to make a bad one. It's difficult to describe but it's not the worst thing. The worst thing was not accepting that I'd never be a mother when I could been.

I don't know if any of this makes sense because I've never written it before.