How did you cope?

babymoo

Following on from the "Why don't you have children yet?" Thread I thought I might start this one and ask how did you cope if you don't have children because that choice was taken away from you?

I for 1 have had many medical conditions which resulted in a hysterectomy at 17 years old. I've been asked many times how I cope with this and my answer is always "you have to don't you, there is no choice".

But actually I have no idea how I coped with it. I'd grown up only ever wanting to get married and have children and for that choice to be taken from you is soul destroying. It leaves you wondering if anything is real. I know that might sound strange but I just didn't believe in anything and for 3-4 years afterwards I was scared to actually get on with my life and make new life plans for fear I would get my life destroyed all over again.

I've read on the other thread that a number of you don't have children because you can't and I thought perhaps this might be a nice place for people who totally understand how you feel to help get you through it. I noticed a couple of the posts seem very raw so maybe your trying to deal with it quietly (as I did) because unless it has happened to you no one will ever totally understand.

I hope this sort of makes sense.

patchwork_cat

Have you thought about adopting or fostering?

Grimbal

I too have had the choice taken away from me. I'm not entirely sure if I have "coped" to be honest, I just get on with stuff. As a couple, we seem to have been undertaking one project or another (selling house/moving to rental/buying new home/applying for planning permission/extending house), so any gaps in our time when we would have perhaps contemplated things in depth, have not happened. Not entirely sure that's a good thing really. It's the next question that always gets me: "have you thought about adopting/fostering". Yup, we have, but we've had THAT choice taken away from us too. So, thanks for rubbing in that we can't have ANY children in our lives, really makes you feel good about yourself

jodie114

hiya, didn't want to read and run... probably not the same thing, but when i got married at 20, we found out that my oh was infertile. I was incredibly lucky to be able to find a donor and despite remembering spending my 21st birthday on ivf drugs have a hugly appreciated child. But we cannot afford that anymore, my heath wouldn't take a pregnancy etc and it is so hard to stand in the playground or walk around shopping centres full of bumps, and constantly answering questions about why we stopped at 1, won't they get bored blah blah blah... i got used to saying that we wanted to go on nice holidays/have lie ins etc... but that empty pain never goes away and every time you see a newborn the pull is amazing x

sassyblue

patchwork_cat wrote: »

Have you thought about adopting or fostering?

I know you mean well but for many infertile people adoption and fostering is a struggle to get their heads round, people will try everything they can for many years to have their own baby. I do have many friends who have adopted and are very happy but some who do not want to do that. xx

OP l understand to some extent how you feel as we tried to conceive for almost 8 years before l finally got lucky. I was a very bitter person and would have stayed that way if l didn't have my son. I wanted another but that is not to be but l am thankful for the one chance.

I can give you (or anyone) a fertility forum who are nothing but supportive, l'll pm you it anyway. There is advice and support from others who are now having to think about other options (or not) on there. It is a fertility forum so everyone has been through the same, l don't mean to dismiss this forum but unless you have experienced it you can only feel sympathy, not totally understand.

xxx

patchwork_cat

sassyblue wrote: »

I know you mean well but for many infertile people adoption and fostering is a struggle to get their heads round, people will try everything they can for many years to have their own baby. I do have many friends who have adopted and are very happy but some who do not want to do that. xx

OP l understand to some extent how you feel as we tried to conceive for almost 8 years before l finally got lucky. I was a very bitter person and would have stayed that way if l didn't have my son. I wanted another but that is not to be but l am thankful for the one chance.

I can give you (or anyone) a fertility forum who are nothing but supportive, l'll pm you it anyway. There is advice and support from others who are now having to think about other options (or not) on there. It is a fertility forum so everyone has been through the same, l don't mean to dismiss this forum but unless you have experienced it you can only feel sympathy, not totally understand.

xxx

Why? You are making assumptions about me that I did not struggle to conceive and decided that if it didn't happen then fostering or adoption was the way we would go. Particularly in the case of the OP who having had a hysterectomy carrying her own child is going to be impossible ( sorry to be blunt)

Obviously my stating have you considered adopting or fostering is the obvious, but all I really wanted was what conclusion the OP had come to on this issue.

sassyblue

patchwork_cat wrote: »

Why? You are making assumptions about me that I did not struggle to conceive and decided that if it didn't happen then fostering or adoption was the way we would go. Particularly in the case of the OP who having had a hysterectomy carrying her own child is going to be impossible ( sorry to be blunt)

Obviously my stating have you considered adopting or fostering is the obvious, but all I really wanted was what conclusion the OP had come to on this issue.

Oh, if that's the case with you then l'm sorry.

sunflower76

I don't think I ever have coped with it - I've just moved on. We were together for 13 years before we decided to try for a baby and two months later I was diagnosed with a condition with treatment which would prevent me from trying for a further six years. Throughout the first year of the treatment we were using the thought of a baby to cling on to, to get us through. Then we were told that my condition had returned and having children would be impossible. I was so poorly at the time that I dealt with it (or so I thought) and it wasn't until I had my ovaries removed in May this year that I realised that it wasn't just the option of having a child that had been taken from me it was my future that I'd played out time and time again in my head. This was a very, very bleak time for me and I'll admit that at times I didn't see the point in living.

I'd always wanted children, and I always knew that one day I would have them; three maybe even four. I would breastfeed, sling them, home school them until Secondary School, teach them the morals and skills they'd need for thier lives, watch them grow and develop and see them celebrate birthdays, acheivements and get married, have their own children. I'd be a grandma who was there, hopefully be able to look after them while their parents went back to work if they chose. All of this. Gone.

So then you move on, you think it's not so hard to see people with new brns after a while but things irk you. Like parents who automatically assume I want to hold their offspring or people who ask, no matter how innocently, why we don't adopt, or foster. I'm ashamed to say that pregnant people who I feel don't deserve kids, I will avoid.

I can cope with my nieces and nephews, and I love them dearly and have never felt jealous as they are part of my life, but other peoples kids make me hurt inside. I freeze around babies. I love babies dearly but I can't bring myself to cuddle them, or offer love because it breaks off a piece of my heart each time.

And then there's the guilt. To my parents for not being able to give them much wanted grandchildren. To my husband who won't have children now. To myself for feeling the way I do. To my husband because I might make him feel that he isnt enough on his own, without a family. To new parents and pregnant ladies who whinge about lack of sleep and morning sickness.

I don't beleive I'll ever get over it. And no, we can't adopt or foster either because if I could I would in a heartbeat. I never wanted to have a baby just because it was mine - I wanted a family.

I'm sure that I sound like an absolute cow, and very bitter and twisted - I'm really not a horrible person. But I am big enough to admit that these are my feelings and I'd give an awful lot to not have them. I don't think I've ever admitted them like this before so it's been quite revealing to myself but please, if I've offended anyone, let me know and I will remove my post.

VfM4meplse

I thought this was intending to be a supportive thread - it's not turning out that way!

ninnoodle

After trying for over 3 years, loads of tests and a laporoscopy, I have been told I won't conceive naturally. My only choice is to get my fallopian tubes removed and have IVF (if I didn't get them removed, my chances of conceiving with IVF alone would be around 10% apparently). Where I live there is a 2 year waiting list, by which time I will be nearly 40. The NHS doesn't give IVF to women 40+. So, my only option then is to have my tubes removed and pay for it privately, upfront. My OH and I are in serious debt. We can try and raise the money and put the debt on hold. It is our only chance.

If not, then I resign myself to the fact that it is not meant to be, for me. I try not to think of it in terms of 'poor me' but to be brave and realise there is more to my life than just conceiving.

What this means for the future for me and my OH, who knows? We may split up because of it - how could I deny him the chance of having a baby he really wants? I'm a firm believer in things happening for a reason though, and certainly don't or won't feel my life is worthless because I can't have kids.

dizziblonde

Short answer - I didn't. I just existed and gritted my teeth to get through the day. My story's a bit different though - had about 4-5 years of trying to concieve, inelligible for any help from the NHS, unable to afford that level of outlay to go private - then I finally managed to concieve and miscarried twice (once with twins) in the space of about 3-4 months. The second one was so long and drawn out that I assumed it had completely wrecked my body - I didn't ovulate for well over 6 months and had given up hope altogether. In the end I (hopefully) got incredibly lucky I hope but not prepared to fully relax and count my chickens on that front yet - but I still had had years of the grief and pain and belief all hope was lost (this is in no way intended to be one of those "inspirational" stories people give you about how their Great Aunt had had all her internal organs removed, went on holiday for a fortnight, relaxed and ended up with quads - exaggerated but you know the sort I mean - that you're expected to smile sweetly and feel grateful for - it's just me setting out my particular circumstances).

At my worst - it drove me to the brink of suicide, drove me to begging my GP for help (which was denied) and drove me to a point so bleak I didn't go out of the house other for work for about a good couple of months, and would walk around supermarkets with my eyes to the floor for fear of seeing a pram or a buggy and setting myself off into fits of tears again. I'm convinced the only reason I came through the darkest parts was because I got a lunatic dog who kept me remotely sane, forced me to get out of the house in order to walk him and actually made me laugh again... but yeah, I did have to protect myself a bit by cutting myself off from friends who had babies or babies on the way (because people could never keep their gobs shut and accept you were on a different path through life to them) and family at least knew I wouldn't be seen at events with new babies there because I couldn't deal with it and allowed me that slack. Wasn't coping - was just surviving and I'd say it was only about the point I totally randomly found out we might well have hit the jackpot - that I'd begun to be able to mentally deal with it all and get on with life in some shape or form.

And yep I did the guilt (it used to break my heart thinking I'd failed my wonderful hubby - at more than one point I told him to go find someone who could make him the amazing father I knew he could be), and I did the anger and the utter steaming rage at what was happening to us - to be honest - being angry at the world was the only way I got out of bed and through the day sometimes. And I shut myself off a lot, requested no kids at my wedding because I wanted a day without pressure to hold babies and the "aww so when you going to have one of your owns" and the other stuff people do - and a relative ignored that utterly, leaving me with the abiding memory on my wedding day of my mother announcing she'd decided it was time I made her a grandmother and me going to bawl my eyes out in the loos... I did a lot of hiding away in the loos when people brought new babies into work and stuff - would do the requisite smiling sweetly and then suddenly have to powder my nose to get out of the situation. I refuse to feel shame for admitting I felt like that, or did that - because at the end of the day, my feelings and needs are as valid as other people - and if you don't fit into society's conventional 2.4 kids box - your needs essentially get ignored so much of the time - you've got to look after yourself because no one else is gonna do it for you! Mummy-entitlement used to drive me mad, people expecting rounds of applause because they'd managed to procreate, the "it takes a whole village to raise a child" - all that was like a red rag to a bull with me (it still is to be honest, despite me being pregnant - I can't leave those feelings behind, and indeed I won't ever fully - because I'm "priviledged" enough to have seen things from the other side and have an empathy for that that so many people are lacking in).

Like I say though - my circumstances were different because I'd essentially gone through the grieving process and then got hit by a fluke bit of luck out of the blue - obviously others have a more definite reason behind their problems - mine was always just unexplained infertility and miscarriages.

Waiting for the people to roll on and happily announce how their kids are their lives without grasping the feelings involved here. Hopefully I've not offended by posting despite ending up pregnant - I remember those years where hope died and was lost so vividly I kinda feel I still belong here more than anywhere else if that makes sense!