Family & Xmas..joy

ClareEmily

Thanks for all these replies much appreciated, a lot to think about, also interesting to get a step-mums view too thanks brokenlily.

In answer to podperson, they are both only children and she has never had children of her own.

I have sent them a Christmas card, and bought them presents as normal, but don't feel like making the first move to be honest.

My dad has a way of making me feel like a silly 10 years old.

Judith_W - I always said the same to the my sister about how my dad is getting older and that she would regret not making up with him, but now the boot is on the other foot...

MrsManda

I am wondering the same as podperson as to whether your stepmum is jealous of the fact you have a child and she has not.
It sounds like she was the 'other woman' for a long time so it's possible that she put her life on hold with the hope that your dad would leave his wife and children and have a family with her. Now that is unlikely to be possible perhaps she's regreting her lack of children and has put her maternal instincts into looking after her dog which she now sees you as rejecting.

It may be worth giving her a phone call and seeing if you can chat about what's bothering her but it depends on what kind of relationship you had before this current issue.
Your dad doesn't sound like he's helping matters at all

brokenlily

MrsManda wrote: »

I am wondering the same as podperson as to whether your stepmum is jealous of the fact you have a child and she has not.
It sounds like she was the 'other woman' for a long time so it's possible that she put her life on hold with the hope that your dad would leave his wife and children and have a family with her. Now that is unlikely to be possible perhaps she's regreting her lack of children and has put her maternal instincts into looking after her dog which she now sees you as rejecting.

I think maybe this could be spot on.

I know I would have found it horrendously difficult when I was with my ex if I had not had my own children but then had step-grandchildren to deal with.

Of course, she had a choice, she could have not carried on with a married man with kids of his own.....and what's done is done, and the situation she finds herself in now is of course a consequence of that choice, in the same way that if I had chosen to remain with my ex who had had a vasectomy, I would have made the conscious choice not to have children. I made the choice in the end to leave him, because I knew that staying may lead to more resentment than I already felt about things, and I would have ended up very bitter. But when you love someone, it's not always easy to have that insight, and your step mum was the affair for many years, which has that tinge of the illicit and exciting to it. Possibly, she did not think about how it would be if he did ever leave and they settled down together, and how she would cope with having stepchildren who would potentially be angry with her, and how she would fit in to the family he already had.

Don't underestimate the impact that being childless can have on your perception of things particularly if she has encountered criticism (real or implied) in the past for her lack of children. It was a frequent gripe of mine that my ex's friends and family highlighted my childlessness and said things like "oh, if you don't have kids you don't understand". She may be concerned that you are making judgement on her for that reason, if she has had insensitive comments from other parents in the past.

ClareEmily

Well just a quick update really:

After I sent a Christmas card, my son got a big one in return, and a tiny one sent to my hubby (his name first) and me.

No gifts were given from any of us, no communication until Jan when I got a bog standard blank Birthday card signed "from" no love.

And nothing since, no attempt even to see their only Grandson.

I kind of want to contact them, but I'm now getting angry, so probably not a good idea.

suki1001

I would suggest concentrating on those of your family and friends who do make the effort, having tried for years with my dad. My step mum was really stand offish with me. It was hard work, as a teenager, I was desperate to be the one who keep good relationships with everyone. In my thirties, I just didn't have the time for those guilt trips.

It's awful when you have a stepmum who acts like she couldn't care less. She might well have insecurities or be behaving in a particular way because of something you don't know about, but I wouldn't waste my time trying to find out (unless you really want too). I gave up and let them get on with it. Eventually they split up. He has since met a really lovely lady who has made more effort to keep in contact then my step mum ever did. My dad also now rings me, which was unheard of.

My parents wouldn't speak, but get this - in the last year it has completely changed and when my dad gets remarried soon, my mum's even going to the wedding with my lovely step dad.

thorsoak

I would take your cue from your dad and step-mum - just send them cards (and a photo of little one) at birthdays and at Christmas ...just keeping the lines of communication "open" - but let them make take the steps necessary to heal the wounds.

As Sukie 1000 says - concentrate on the family that you know love and want and need you ...the others may come up - or they may not - but you won't have cut all ties. x

YoungBaker

Glad for the update, but as I said before your dads made his bed so let him lie in it now... as hard as that may be why continually strive to forge a relationship he, selfishly at this point, has no intention to return?

jokeyjo

oh claireEmily i know just how horrible it feels after finally being in touch with my dad after 14 years of not seeing each other his wife has yet again put a spoke in the wheels and what i thought was going well is going nowhere ,it does hurt like mad but like has been said think about your oh and little one its your dad and step-mums loss as they will lose out on a daughter and grandchild as my dad is now losing out on , big hugs for you though as i know we put a brave face on and say oh well never mind but yeah its upsetting

red_devil

some families need a good kick up the jacksy.

System

red_devil wrote: »

some families need a good kick up the jacksy.

For years my husband spent christmas mainly in the shed. Although he and my Mother got on, they never liked eachother much and it caused no end of tension when she came for Christmas day.