Family & Xmas..joy

ClareEmily

Hi there

Bit of background:
Parents married 27 years
Dad was living double life for years, eventually left and lived, then married g/f.
Mum also re-married

Fast forward 12 years, mum doesn't speak to dad, my sister no longer speaks to dad or step-mum (various rows while my sister was at uni).

I have always maintained contact with my Dad and step-mum, but over the years the visits have become fewer, we have less to say to each other, and since having my little boy a year ago, my step-mum has stopped speaking to me on the phone, will barely speak to me when I visit them (although my dad doesn't seem to notice), and has said the following about my baby - when he was smiling at the dog and not her "well the feeling in quite mutual" and again when he didn't smile at her "the child won't even smile at me now". She has never referred to him as her grandchild, although I have always referred to her as "Nanny".

Another issue is their dog which is a food aggressive, unpredictable terrier cross, which I asked could be kept away from my son when he was a newborn, which they kind of did for that first visit, but since then I spend the whole time trying to stop my child from pulling the dogs fur and tail etc and the dog from licking my child's face and hands, just makes me nervous them being together to be honest, and just to shut the dog out of the living room for part of the visit would make me relax more. BTW I love dogs just not around my baby.

On the last visit 3rd Dec with my husband and baby, she again barely spoke to me, and so I waffled on to be met with stoney silences, but she made a lovely lunch for us, ate, then so little speaking in the afternoon they all fell asleep including baby.

She then asked which day we would be coming over for Xmas lunch and I said that this year we would be staying at home (various reasons), she said nothing then stormed upstairs in a sulk.

Anywayyyyy I should have just said nothing like I normally do but I kind of blew up and ask my dad what her problem was, and I dreaded coming over as she barely talks to me etc etc, while I was saying this the dog was licking my child's face so totally blew up and shouted can't you keep your bloody dog away, I didn't say anything really nasty but a few home truths were said then we left straight away.

My dad hasn't contacted me for nearly 4 weeks and I feel relived that we do not have to visit them again, but also bad that they haven't seen their grandchild (I would never stop them by the way).

I think having a child has changed me a lot and I know my dad is disappointed that I have given up my job to be a stay at home mum (for the moment anyway) I do feel like nothing I do is good enough for him, but then he has never been good with emotions or conversations, saw me for the first time in my wedding dress and he said "you look...smart".

He doesn't know how to act with my son either, which is sad.

I don't really know what the point of this is, is it up to me to get in touch what do I say, how can I get our relationship to improve? Hate falling out just before Xmas.

Loads more to this but an essay as it is.

YoungBaker

First of all I don't think your dad is in any position to judge or "be dissapointed" in anyone considering he led a double life for a long period of his life and ultimately has had major impacts on his previous wife and children. People in glass houses and all that...

Ultimately I think you need to focus on your own family and baby now, and fair enough you may have had raised voices and said a few home truths - but there is no point starting to feel guilty now.

From what you posted, your dad seems to be pretty isolated from the rest of his children and family through his own fault - and he seems to be pushing you and his new grandchild away also. Maybe one day he will finally realise he is alone due to his own fault and come back - but for now I would focus on just having a nice Christmas with your own family.

brokenlily

Because of the circumstances, your dad's wife may now be feeling defensive, and perhaps worried that she won't be accepted into the family because of them. Perhaps her behaviour is sort of a self fulfilling prophecy - if she rejects you first, she won't get hurt? She may be worried about feeling like a lesser part of the family and your kids' lives. That may explain why she reads things into even the child's behaviour that aren't there. Her behaviour may be coming from insecurity, particularly as your sister has cut off from them both, and while that may be understandable, I'm sure it has hurt your dad, and she may also be feeling defensive of him. But her behaviour is helping to bring about the very thing that is upsetting her, and this is quite common with insecurity-driven behaviours, to push people away.

I would suggest having a calm talk with your Dad and her if she is amenable and maybe reassure them that you aren't going to cut them off, that yes the situation has been difficult but you don't want to fall out and have rifts, particularly for your kids' sake, and that you want to bring them over, but that the dog really does cause a problem. Maybe if you framed it that you don't want an over-curious child to hurt the dog accidentally and potentially cause it to snap, that might be a better way of approaching it, as they might be defensive at the thought that their dog is dangerous or aggressive (even if it is - dog owners can be as blind as parents sometimes lol I know I have a 4 year old Rottie cross who is spoiled rotten and he's adorable, but I have the good sense not to let him around little ones as you never know if they might upset him by accident).

I remember how I felt when I was a step mum - I did at times feel like an outsider and I didn't always know how to act, should I act like part of the family or not, and was I considered part of the family - it was a nightmare, and I hadn't even been the other woman or anything. Some of what is driving her behaviour might even be guilt as well, you never know....I dreaded my step kid growing up and having kids of her own because I thought I'd be even more marginalised especially as I didn't have my own children.

I know her behaviour is hurtful and I'm certainly not at all trivialising the impact on you, because it sounds very difficult. Just trying to present where it might be coming from.

Treed

You know what youve got to do, talk to your step-mum..

cobbingstones

treed posted was I was about to. Your both adults, so have a chat and clear the air. No one knows what the other person is thinking, we assume. With some clear communication and understanding at least you'll both know where you both stand.

Good luck and happy christmas! x

doodoot

If you want a 'spade is a spade' opinion then I would forget about them both over Christmas and enjoy yourselves.

Step-mum is obviously unhinged, selfish, childish and your father is either oblivious, ignorant or just dis-interested.

From what you have said about the last visit, it should be them who contact you first to apologise.

If you want the 'sickly sweet' opinion, then ring them up immediately and apologise for having the cheek to request your step-mum to speak to you rather than be met with stony silences, and the dog to be removed so that your baby doesn't get covered in germs from its mouth after licking its backside.

red_devil

ClareEmily wrote: »

Hi there

Bit of background:
Parents married 27 years
Dad was living double life for years, eventually left and lived, then married g/f.
Mum also re-married

Fast forward 12 years, mum doesn't speak to dad, my sister no longer speaks to dad or step-mum (various rows while my sister was at uni).

I have always maintained contact with my Dad and step-mum, but over the years the visits have become fewer, we have less to say to each other, and since having my little boy a year ago, my step-mum has stopped speaking to me on the phone, will barely speak to me when I visit them (although my dad doesn't seem to notice), and has said the following about my baby - when he was smiling at the dog and not her "well the feeling in quite mutual" and again when he didn't smile at her "the child won't even smile at me now". She has never referred to him as her grandchild, although I have always referred to her as "Nanny".

Another issue is their dog which is a food aggressive, unpredictable terrier cross, which I asked could be kept away from my son when he was a newborn, which they kind of did for that first visit, but since then I spend the whole time trying to stop my child from pulling the dogs fur and tail etc and the dog from licking my child's face and hands, just makes me nervous them being together to be honest, and just to shut the dog out of the living room for part of the visit would make me relax more. BTW I love dogs just not around my baby.

On the last visit 3rd Dec with my husband and baby, she again barely spoke to me, and so I waffled on to be met with stoney silences, but she made a lovely lunch for us, ate, then so little speaking in the afternoon they all fell asleep including baby.

She then asked which day we would be coming over for Xmas lunch and I said that this year we would be staying at home (various reasons), she said nothing then stormed upstairs in a sulk.

Anywayyyyy I should have just said nothing like I normally do but I kind of blew up and ask my dad what her problem was, and I dreaded coming over as she barely talks to me etc etc, while I was saying this the dog was licking my child's face so totally blew up and shouted can't you keep your bloody dog away, I didn't say anything really nasty but a few home truths were said then we left straight away.

My dad hasn't contacted me for nearly 4 weeks and I feel relived that we do not have to visit them again, but also bad that they haven't seen their grandchild (I would never stop them by the way).

I think having a child has changed me a lot and I know my dad is disappointed that I have given up my job to be a stay at home mum (for the moment anyway) I do feel like nothing I do is good enough for him, but then he has never been good with emotions or conversations, saw me for the first time in my wedding dress and he said "you look...smart".

He doesn't know how to act with my son either, which is sad.

I don't really know what the point of this is, is it up to me to get in touch what do I say, how can I get our relationship to improve? Hate falling out just before Xmas.

Loads more to this but an essay as it is.

families are hard work. Good luck no advice though ours is a mess too. You could ask to meet up and talk but there is no guarantee it will get better.

Bufger

I'd write a letter explaining exactly how you feel. I'd let them know you want them to be part of yours and your childs life but for the safety and hygeine of your son you would prefer the dog to be kept away until the boy is a little older (and taller!).

If they respond negatively to that then move on.

Person_one

I'd just happily forget them all over Christmas and New Year, if your dad considers his grandchild a priority he'll get in touch with you eventually.

What are you actually getting out of your relationship with them? Are there any positives at all?

podperson

It's a little strange that your relationship with your stepmum has gone downhill so much since you had your child - does she possibly have some child-issues that she struggles with? Eg does she have children of her own or did she want them?
I think it perhaps depends on whether you want to maintain a relationship with them - as someone about asks, do you get anything positive out of it or is it just problems? If you do want to work something out then it could be worth asking if you could come over to talk about what happened, sit down with them both and say how you feel about your stepmum avoiding you/not seeming to like your child etc. and see if she does have a reason for it. If you don't feel you want to do that then it's understandable but at least then you could feel that you tried everything to work it out.

Judith_W

If they live local In would suggest dropping round a thoughtful gift beautifully wrapped with a card expressing your dissappointment that you have not seen each other for a while and 'I'm really sorry if I upset you when I saw you last' - apologising for their hurt feelings but not backing down about what you said.

Have you ever asked for the dog to be kept in another room whilst your son is there? I presume you have? If not, when you come over, perhaps a little, 'lovely to see you, I'll just pop the dog into the kitchen/ spare room/ garden etc before we get comfortable shall I...?' I know it may not be that easy but at least then you know if it is laziness that they are not keeping the dog away or they are being difficult.

I had a really difficult relationship with my Dad and Stepmum for many years and the way we got things back on track was to accept they would never admit to doing wrong for past things but focus on a positive future relationship; I then got a pressie for Xmas and a letter saying how sad I was our relationship was so bad, and how I would love for things to be better. After that it was sticking to as short visits as were required for there to be no arguments. E.g. a couple of hours now up to 2-3 days.

I guess at the end of the day you need to decide if you want to build bridges or accept the relationships are over. Not acknowleding Christmas is bound to make a little spat into a huge issue so please ensure you at least ring on Christmas Day even if you are not ready to mend the relationship.

P.S. as my dad is getting older, I'm more aware of how sad it is that my brother has a poor relationship with them both still