Ex partner, CSA & Cild help, before I crack up

*Louise*

It really does sound like you need to go down the official route now, make sure you keep a record of eveyrything and hang on to any proof you have. Even catalogue events up till now, you will need them.

Good luck

brokenlily

James, I've been in the new partner's shoes and I can honestly say it is very important if you want to safeguard your relationship to ensure that the ex cannot pull your strings in this way any more.

I would follow every letter of Determined Dad of 5's advice - it is all very sound, and what I wished my ex partner would have done, to protect me and our life together. But he would do nothing, because the ex always held it over his head that if he didn't do what she wanted she would stop him seeing his child. But her demands got more and more ridiculous.

Never negotiate with terrorists.

travelgran

Have you thought of going for residency yourself? If the situation is as bad as you describe then social services might remove the child to a place of safety and you would have first call.

Determined_Dad_Of_5

Hi James

Got your PM, I'll email you tonight with details of how I did things myself, I'll send you links to the right places online to get decent guidance as well and all the forms you need to submit the applications to the court for contact and for a fee remission.

My own court case is looming within the next 10 days so I'll post back and let you all know how I got on.

Determined_Dad_Of_5

brokenlily wrote: »

James, I've been in the new partner's shoes and I can honestly say it is very important if you want to safeguard your relationship to ensure that the ex cannot pull your strings in this way any more.

I would follow every letter of Determined Dad of 5's advice - it is all very sound, and what I wished my ex partner would have done, to protect me and our life together. But he would do nothing, because the ex always held it over his head that if he didn't do what she wanted she would stop him seeing his child. But her demands got more and more ridiculous.

Never negotiate with terrorists.

Thanks for the vote of confidence

The courts are always impartial on these matters and are very good at spotting when one or the other party is being completely unreasonable. This is not just in relation to contact and money but also to travel arrangements to collect and drop the children off. They also do not approve of something called 'parental alienation' which is where the absent parent is protrayed in a negative view to the children thus encouraging the children to lose the desire to have contact.

An example of this is a case concerning a friend of mine. He and his ex split up, they had 3 children between them. They lived together in Oxford. She moved with the children to Cardiff, he moved to Bristol for a few months and tried to get work etc but couldnt.He then moved in with his new partner in High Wycombe, just the other side of Oxford.

His ex demanded that he should be the one that does all the travelling to collect the children from Cardiff, and that she would only drive as far as Bristol to meetr him on their return as it was a privelage for him to have contact. He was paying maintenance up till he lost his job due to redundancy as a result of which he had to reduce the maintenance he was paying her. After this she made it very hard for him to see the children, turned the children against him, got them calling her new partner (of many) Dad and even submitted an application for this new partenr to adopt his children, which of course was laughed out of court. She then said that he now had to collect and return them from and to Cardiff as she was no longer going to drive anywhere to meet them. He could not afford this quite clearly.

The long and short of it was that when his case was heard back in March this year the judge firstly awarded him parental responsibility (as they were not married when the children were born and it was before 2002) despite the many attempts of the mother to stop this and threaten him that she would not allow him to have it. The judge completely ripped into her saying that how dare she make such a judgment and use the children in this way.

Secondly he was awarded defined contact which was also drawn up to be flexible to suit any new working or job commitments that may arise should he seek new employment.

Thirdly the Judge ruled that, despite it being his decision to end the relationship, that both parents were to share the travelling for contact equally. It ended up that he would collect the children from school on the friday and she was ordered to collect them from his home in High Wycombe on the sunday night. What he actually agreed was that he would meet her near Oxford as that was their old home and he wanted to be as fair as possible. He has since changed this as he got a new full time job. They now meet exactly half way between both their homes on the friday and sunday. She initially refused to do this but he merely had his solicitor contact her and remind her that it is seen as contempt of court to ignore the Judges ruling which ultimately could result in a prison sentence. No bother ever since.

It also came out that the mother had stopped the children having contact with his extended family, again the Judge tore strips off her for that.

Their maintenance is now via the CSA, he speaks to the children 2-3 times a week and has staying contact every other weekend and half all holidays.

The other thing the mother tried to do as well is stop him having them at christmas and their birthdays. Again the Judge gave her a severe dressing down for this and told her in no uncertain terms that it was obvious that this was something she had drummed into the children (he kept all the old email and texts between them in which she said clearly that SHE didnt see it fair that he should have them at these times) and that the father had exactly the same rights at these times as the mother and ruled that it was on an alternate basis for christmas with birthdays being as an when the weekends fall relating to the contact arrangements.

It was after discussing at length his story with him, and going through very similar myself earlier this year, that i decided to take the action i have done. I am looking forward to getting the opportunity to put my side of the story across with the evidence I have to support it.

I have silently put up with allegations of infedelity, fraud, smacking the children, all of which are lies, and have even had these being spread to my friends and family. I have said nothing in retalliation to this up to now as I know it would have jeapordised my contact wiht the children but I will be presenting the whole situation to the judge and the courts at the hearing including how the children have been manipulated against me and my family.

I will let you all know how it goes but have been told by the friends in the profession I have spoken to that I have nothing to worry about and that the courts will see the situation for how it really is, especially as it all kicked off as a result of money.

brokenlily

Well I am glad to see that the family courts are evolving, and that judges are upholding fathers' rights more. Too often they have been a toothless tiger, setting out contact orders but never punishing the mother when she broke them (as my ex's ex wife was apt to do) so despite having a contact order, she still did as she pleased and used the child as a weapon. I am glad to see that the courts uphold the interests and indeed rights of the children these days.

That judge sounds like he knew exactly how to deal with a difficult ex wife, let us hope there are lots more of him around!

daska

Determined Dad of 5 has done a very good job, I suggest you follow his advice.

Maintenance payments - make sure they are clearly marked as "maintenance for <child's name>" and, if space, for the period it covers. That way the other parent can't claim they were for other things.

Court - You can do this on your own if you want, it really isn't as scary as it might appear, the clerks are very helpful and a lot of people (including DS2's dad) report that they felt it went in their favour that they weren't represented, with opportunities to explain their feelings/misgivings etc. which aren't necessarily granted to legal bods. You can also look for a McKenzie friend (rare as hen's teeth in some parts of the country but worth a look).

Drink/drugs. If she uses regularly this will show up on a hair strand test and you can request the court to order one. You can use her police record to support this request BUT!!!! be prepared for her to make the same request, it's not a tactic to play if you're not squeaky clean. Our experience was that once the hair strand test results were in and showed substantial usage the attitude of the court was far harder - didn't help that she turned down rehab on the basis that she had 'more important' things to do. But it's not as simple as 'oh she had a joint last week so she's a bad mum'. Do the school records show that she was frequent late/absent/brought in by other people and/or unkempt? Is there a history of violence? Is mum regularly so drunk that she can't be woken etc.

It definitely sounds as if it's worth taking what you have to a solicitor or two. A lot do a free half hour consult. Look for a solicitor who's on the children panel. We got very different results from the ones we went to, the first (not on children panel) said "not a chance", the second couldn't believe the advice of the first and got it sorted!

jojo_2012_2

You should go to court (literally just walk in) and get a form to apply for an injunction to stop her threatening you and your property via text message. As others have said if she breaks your windows call the police and show the text messages. If she's not denying access then don't rock the boat just yet. Like it or loathe it your son probably wants to stay with his mummy cannabis growing or not, just a fact

I can see why shes upset in a way, whether you can afford the £20 a week or not, you've been giving it to her and now you're taking it away because "it's christmas", well she's probably seeing this as you taking money away from your child to pay for you and your girlfriend. Like it or not that's how the mind works.

DVardysShadow

Seanymph wrote: »

change your number.

I would go further and say get a whole new phone with a new number. Put the old phone on PAYG, leave it at home and only use it when you need to contact the ex.