Ex partner, CSA & Cild help, before I crack up

jamesflood

Hi guys, I dont really look to forums for this exact advice because everyone situation is different and I just believe you have to handle it when it comes, but im in need to desperate advice because I just dont know what to do.

I have a 3 year old son with my ex partner, to get the jist of it. Ive been emloyed ever since I left school 6 years ago but was laid off in August and its tough to get a job. She rang the CSA because I was unable to give her anything, CSA wanted alot of money from me, even tho I have my son at my house at the very least 3 nights a week, every Fri,Sat,Sun and the occasional weekday when his mother feels like going out clubbing to get drugged up.

Anyway, cutting to the chase, im still unemployed, but voluntarily give her £20 a week, basically to shut her up because I recieve txts on a weekly basis that if I dont have money for her, she will come and smash my windows through. Bit pathetic, but that's her attitude towards it. Now that im unable to give her £20 a week, for god sake its xmas the most expensive time of year, all the horrible txts of smashing my windows are all coming out of the woodwork again and it causes me and my new partner to row, because I usually end up giving in. Leaving me and my partner struggling.

Shes an absolute nightmare, a vicious twisted minded young clubbing drug addict who I just cannot have in my life any longer. What can I do to see my son, but not have to see her or bar her from contacting me, because we will never ever in a million yeas be able to get on and I really am at the last string. Its a horrible thought, but my mother lives in the channel islands and I have really been considering just packing up and moving there without telling anyone because I really cannot be in this girls company any longer. I'm at my wits end about the texts I receive throughout the day and I mean they are so vicious my current partner ends up crying with rage at how anyone could say things like this.

I always swore to my own mother I would be a better father than my own Dad who up and left, but I can really see why Dads do it, its not because they dont care about their kids, they cant be around the ex or even work to some agreement. I love my son to bits I couldn't live without him, but I shouldn't have to put up with literally being scared and turning my phone off everyday so I dont have to speak to my own sons mother, its not natural and im sick of having 24/7 butterfly's in my stomach.

I really really really need help.

jamesflood

Also, which I have proof of, she has a history of violence, drug growing, drink/drug driving. All on her criminal record no doubt.

Seanymph

change your number. Communicate with the CSA and let them know you are not working. And stop handing her money when she threatens you. She may smash in your windows (I doubt she will) - but if she does then call the police.

Chances are you will not be able to maintain a good relationship with your son unfortunately, without spending a lot of money and suffering a lot of hardship.

So, write her a letter - tell her you'd like access to be arranged, you will only communicate in writing, you have referred the money situation to the CSA and remain reasonable, and calm.

I can totally understand your current g/f's upset if you are giving in to the ex because she bullies you - so stop. Go buy a new sim card, or get your provider to change your number, go ex directory, change contract - but do not give in any more. All the time you hand her money in exchange for her texts she'll keep texting. You have to change your response.

Running away is an option - but it's not really the right thing to do. You need to deal with her.

jamesflood

I forgot to put the main reason for this whole post down on the main bit,
If i tell her No i cant give her money when she asks for it, she tells me that I wont see my son untill i give her £30 for example. Can she do that?

I cannot live without my boy, so i end up paying her

clearingout

You can start saving texts and go to the police with them and have her issued with an harassment warning. If you're not working, you should get some legal aid - so see a legal aid solicitor and explain what is going on. A Non-Molestation Order was issued by my ex against me for far, far less (long story and totally based on lies, but there you go!) so start fighting!

You can apply for a Contact Order to see your son and whilst she can go against it, these days it's possible to get a penal notice attached and she'll end up in prison if she continues to block contact with your child. She will no doubt make lots of accusations and allegations about your abuse of her, probably child abuse, drug taking etc. but she can't prove it. The courts are pro-contact with both parents so call her bluff.

Your new partner is understandably upset. She probably needs to see that it's going to stop. So take action to stop it.

MrsManda

As previous posters said, you need to take steps to stop her harrassing you, going to the police with your evidence is a good start.

My other thought is, if she's a drug addict, vicious, twisted and all the other things you say she is then is she really the best person to have custody of your son?

flutterby_lil

My OH had this with the mother of his child, they had never been in a relationship, just a casual thing, you get my drift without spelling it out.

He was there from day one, regular contact twice a week, but when he didn't jump as high as she said she stopped contact - this went on every 6 weeks, she had a pattern. He took her to court and now has a court order for every other weekend, which since the final court hearing and him getting PR in July, has gone very well. Her problem was jealousy and she didn't like me - she fell in love with my OH and wanted him, but I was in the way. We met before he even found out she was pregnant. I had known her for 20 years before all this.

Anyway, things are ok now, she speaks to me but won't let me pick the child up, i stay away as much as possible as it is just not worth the hassle. He only goes to her house to pick daughter up. Pays her weekly and sticks to arrangements. I think court is the only way forward I am afraid mate - that way when she gets a court order she has to stick to it or face the consequences - mother of OH's child was exactly the same but is ok now, never thought i would say it lol.

jamesflood

I would hate for all the court proceedings to happen and then only get to see him every other weekend. She would love that as I would end up paying more to the CSA and by seeing much son as much as I want to.

clearingout

but if you're seeing him more than every other weekend now and have been doing for sometime, you have what the courts term a 'status quo'. Assuming your son is happy and settled (if the courts got involved, it is likely CAFCASs would contact his school, nursery, health visitor....possibly others if there has been involvement elsewhere) and again assuming they said they viewed your son as happy, it is very unlikely that there would be a change in the contact arrangements you have now. You would probably do well to apply for shared residence, in fact.

jamesflood

I just feel he's alot safer with me than in his mothers. Would they take into account that she has been caught growing cannabis in her house and drink driving and wrote a car off whilst high?

clearingout

jamesflood wrote: »

I just feel he's alot safer with me than in his mothers. Would they take into account that she has been caught growing cannabis in her house and drink driving and wrote a car off whilst high?

more than likely. Is there 'official' acknowledgement of this? criminal prosecution?

If so, you might have enough to request a change of residence but I would have frank discussion with a family law solicitor. And then I would have a discussion with a second one - some will tell you what you want to hear 'cos it's all work from their point of view.

However, judges are reluctant to remove small children from their mothers unless there is strong evidence that they are not surviving satisfactorily. Has she put him in danger at all? For example, many people use drugs recreationally but not with the children around (pack them off to grandma for the weekend). If she is using when he's with you but not when he's with her then that's probably going to be viewed as less than ideal but 'good enough'. The growing cannabis is a worry -was it large scale for dealing?