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Godparents? Moral dilemma.

My better half and I have been asked to act as Godparents to a good friends' young son.

He's not a baby (just gone 4), but they're going to emigrate and want to have some 'back-up' should anything happen to them.

I have a problem with this. I love the little boy dearly and would, of course, be prepared to step into the breach should the unthinkable happen.

However, I'm in no way religious and wouldn't ever be able to make the vows honestly. It's not even the case that I'm atheist or agnostic, I just despise organised religion.

Aside from this, if their emigration plans work out, we'd never see him to take any hand in his upbringing (spiritual and moral or otherwise).

I'm fully aware that many people simply mouth the platitudes that the church asks of them and then simply get on with life and (sometimes) never see the child again. But I'm the sort of chap who, when I make a promise, I like to have at least a fighting chance of keeping it.

I guess I'm just looking for opinions here to add a little to the melting pot of my mind.
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Comments

  • Mojisola
    Mojisola Posts: 35,571 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper
    Do they think that godparents take over the raising of orphaned god-children? There's no link between the religious duty and what would happen to the child if the parents died.

    If they want to have you as back-up parents, you could agree to be named in their wills as their preferred option but even this wouldn't guarantee it, especially if the children are established in another country.
  • Mojisola wrote: »
    Do they think that godparents take over the raising of orphaned god-children? There's no link between the religious duty and what would happen to the child if the parents died.

    If they want to have you as back-up parents, you could agree to be named in their wills as their preferred option but even this wouldn't guarantee it, especially if the children are established in another country.

    Thank you :) I know this is the case, but I perhaps didn't make it clear that this is just one reason among others.
  • Seanymph
    Seanymph Posts: 2,882 Forumite
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    You wouldn't in any legal way be responsible for the child - nor have any rights.

    Godparents is about overseeing the CHRISTIAN spiritual wellbeing.

    It's ok to say no thanks you know, but I think a more frank discussion is probably better - they don't seem to understand what they are asking, so perhaps clarify what role they would like you to play in the not-so-little ones life?
  • Would it help if you saw yourself as a guardian rather than a Godparent?

    I'm a godparent to a child who lives 300 miles from me (ok not as far as this child will be but still) but that doesn't mean that if push came to shove I wouldn't be there for him, even though I have no hand in his upbringing as I only see him infrequently.

    The point is when these friends emigrate do you envisage the friendship continuing, abet at a distance (ie would you be emailing each other etc) or is it one of those friendships where it appears to be a good one now but actually isn't?

    If its the former then do it - after all you pick godparents/guardians on the basis that if the worst did happen they would have the same values as you in bringing up children but if its the later then don't - I can't imagine anything worse than being presented with a child whose lost its parents and I know nothing about it.
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  • Thank you :)

    I do know the legal ins and outs of it (ie. there aren't any legal obligations or rights). However, this is a more moral question. I like to be able to keep my promises.
  • Nicki
    Nicki Posts: 8,166 Forumite
    Just explain to your friends and offer to be named as guardian in their wills if you'd be happy to bring child up if they died. We asked one friend to be godparent to our first child because although not religious he had the kind of values we'd like our kids to be exposed to. He politely declined for exactly the same reasons you name. Which thinking about it are the values we had in mind as admirable. Anyway Ds1 is 12 in a few weeks and we are still good friends but he isn't the godfather either.
  • Mojisola
    Mojisola Posts: 35,571 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper
    My better half and I have been asked to act as Godparents to a good friends' young son.

    However, I'm in no way religious and wouldn't ever be able to make the vows honestly. It's not even the case that I'm atheist or agnostic, I just despise organised religion.

    I couldn't make the promises that have to be made during the baptism service so I would have to refuse.
  • Oldernotwiser
    Oldernotwiser Posts: 37,425 Forumite
    Thank you :)

    I do know the legal ins and outs of it (ie. there aren't any legal obligations or rights). However, this is a more moral question. I like to be able to keep my promises.

    Congratulations on your honesty.

    If you cannot genuinely make the promises asked for in the service of baptism, then you shouldn't accept the request.

    Your friends should respect your integrity in this.
  • DVardysShadow
    DVardysShadow Posts: 18,949 Forumite
    Congratulations on your honesty.

    If you cannot genuinely make the promises asked for in the service of baptism, then you shouldn't accept the request.

    Your friends should respect your integrity in this.
    I agree. Although the parents might not recognise it, I suspect that the sincerest are those who turn it down.
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  • Well I'm a practising Catholic and I agree with your stance on not becoming a God-parent.

    It is the same stance I would take if one of my non-religious friends asked me to be a God-parent: I wouldn't do it if I knew that the parents had no intention of bringing them up Christian.

    You should just tell them that due to your own lack of belief that you refuse to be a hypocrite over this and make promises that you won't keep.

    In terms of raising the child if the worst should happen to its parents, then if you are willing to do this, you could say you're happy for them to put it in their Will. Being a God-parent is entirely separate and it is only about promising to help the parents bring their children up in a certain religion.
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