Disabled-Would Love Another Child-Should I???

Mads13

Hi All

Im quite new to this sight but all the responses ive seen so far have been a positive experiance. So Im hoping you can endulge me with some sound advice.

Im 30 years old, married 12 years this year(have been with hubby since 13), daughter 10 whom is partially sighted, I am disabled with Lupus, FMS, mental health problems. Hubby is my full time carer. Because of my disability, I find it hard to get up and downstairs, mobility is limited as Im in constant pain, no energy at all-so very tired most of the time. If I go out I use an electric wheelchair, hubby helps wash me..blah blah blah. I also suffer with manic depression due to severe abuse as a child by 3 people, I dont sleep well, have regular nightmares that cause me to wet the bed, flashbacks, agrophobia etc.

Over the past few years I have suffered multiple miscarriages, but have recently found out that this can be a side effect of the Lupus.

The thing is, over the past 2 years I have longed for another baby so badly, but have put it off because of my illness etc. Hubby is wonderful and fully supports whatever i choose. He has done a fab job with our daughter-he is a wonderful dad and hubby.

I know its my choice if I decide to have another, but would like some honest pointers/advice please. These are my main questions:

(1)Am I being selfish-wanting another child, knowing that Im not well enough to look after he/she by myself solely?
(2)Will the child have a good quality of life with me being ill?
(3)Would social services help if needed? (When daughter was little they paid for her to go to a nursery-so I could have a break-but obviously my disability is worse now than then)
(4)Am I too old?

Thanks
Mads13
xxx

girly_3

Hi,

I know almost what you're going through! I'm 26 and have had bad FMS for the past 5 years which really worried me about having kids, how on earth could I look after a child if I can't get myself out of bed. Yet my husband was very broody and I had always wanted kids. We saved to put money aside and I was fortunate enough to fall pregnant quite quickly. I'm now half way there.

Since being pregnant I have managed, fairly easily without pain killers, I've had no huge flares and I feel like I have something to really try and get better for.

In terms of the financial side I have seen on the inland revenue site that if you are on incapacity you can claim up to 70% of child care costs back which would be a huge help.

I guess all I can say is you never know and at some point you have to sum up the risks of both, the fact you really want the baby and that it sounds as though you have a great hubby is hugely in your favour. I think that had I never even tried to get pregnant - I was told I'd have problems and be more likely of miscarriage- I would have always regretted it and felt like I'd cheated myself.

No, you're by no means too old, and if you r husband is prepared to take on the extra work load then I'd say go for it!

johannamse

my dad has lupus/hughes syndrome and I happened to be reading a leaflet about it yesterday. The leaflet said lupus can cause multiple miscarriages but that they can be prevented. I don't know how and I would confirm this (I am not a medical professional). Good Luck.

Bun

Hello Mads13,

Sorry that you've had such a bad time of it....
I can't comment on the medical aspects as I don't know much about the conditions themselves, but my thought is for your daughter. Maybe it would be good for her to have a sibling? Even though there would be the age difference, it may be beneficial in years to come to be able to share any possible caring/problems. This would be the case whether there were ill-health in the family or not - dealing with elerly relatives comes to us all at some point. It may also help your husband out in the long term too.

Bun

Ted_Hutchinson

Mads13 wrote:

(1)Am I being selfish-wanting another child, knowing that Im not well enough to look after he/she by myself solely?

I think so. I think you should be aware there is research showing Manic Depression is more likely to be inherited from the mother's side than the fathers so while it isn't by any means inevitable that your children will inherit the potential to develop manic depression is more likely than would otherwise be the case. Much the same is the case with Lupus. Apart from the risks of miscarriage there is the increased risk during pregnancy as the same antibodies associated with miscarriages also cause abnormal blood clotting and this can lead to heart attacks and strokes. It isn't as if you haven't got one child. But as you have I think it's unreasonable to put your already compromised health position, and your husband and vulnerable child at further risk knowing the support systems may not be adequate should your own health position deteriorate further and those who currently care for you are left with a greater burden

(2)Will the child have a good quality of life with me being ill?

Well although it is likely you will not be at work and therefore have more time for your children the fact that you have Manic Depression and Lupus will inevitably affect the relationship you have with them and the activities you can enjoy together. I also have MD but didn't become aware of it till later but looking back can see now how my mood fluctuation must have been distressing for those close to me. It is all very well looking back and saying "Well he was ill at the time and he didn't mean to be a grumpy sod" but kids only have one childhood and it's a shame if they can't enjoy it. I suppose you can say kids who have unhappy childhoods grow up to be more content as adults as they don't expect to be happy all the time, whereas kids who have happy and contented childhood find life goes downhill once they have to work and make ends meet and consequently make disgruntled miserable adults.

But in my view given you know that the tendency for both Lupus and MD are inheritable it's not fair to inflict your illness on others. If we were breeding dogs or horses we wouldn't select those with both mental and physical disability to breed from. As someone with both mental and physical disability I do think we should have the right to have children live as full and normal a life as possible but given the fact you have given birth once I feel you would be best advised to seek to foster or adopt to allow your maternal instincts to improve the situation for other disadvantaged children rather than potentially produce more of your own.

(3)Would social services help if needed? (When daughter was little they paid for her to go to a nursery-so I could have a break-but obviously my disability is worse now than then)

I don't any Social Service departments have money and staff in abundance. While they can make do and provide a minimum of care you may find as my daughter does that the care available is inadequate and unreliable.

(4)Am I too old?

No you are not too old, but given my other reservations I strongly recommend you consider short term fostering as an outlet for your frustrated maternal instincts.

jellyhead

i know you've asked for opinions but i don't feel i should have one, lol! i will say though that i don't think 30 is too old to have a child.

System

(1)Am I being selfish-wanting another child, knowing that Im not well enough to look after he/she by myself solely?

Wanting a baby desperately is selfish - but its understandable, your still a mother after all. Just cause your ill doesnt make your emotions any different to mine - and i have given birth to 6 children!

(2)Will the child have a good quality of life with me being ill?

Thats debatable. Many children born to parents who arent ill have a bad quality of life because they werent particularly wanted or cared for. However, i do think its a bit hard on your husband to take on your care as well as looking after two children (one partially sighted) and all that that entales.


(3)Would social services help if needed? (When daughter was little they paid for her to go to a nursery-so I could have a break-but obviously my disability is worse now than then)

You cant guarantee anything where the social services is concerned. You may get help you may not. If you really need a break so badly, is having another child such a good idea?


(4)Am I too old?

I had my last child at 34, i struggled emotionally more than i did when i had the other children. My body coped wonderfully, but it took months to shake off the post natal depression. I think you ought to ask your doctor about the age thing. He knows your body probably more than you know it yourself.

Your obviously a high risk of miscarriage anyway - do you really want to take the emotional heartbreak of maybe losing more babies?

I do feel for you though. My maternal feelings for my children is one of the one of the biggest strengths i have. Its far stronger than my feelings of being a wife (dont tell MrJudi though eh?;))

glenburg1

i also have lupus and have had multiple miscariges.
they cant be prevented but the risk and be made smaller.
the miscariges are often caused by blood clots in the placenta or the immune system attacking the fetus.
i was very lucky and am now the proud parent of a 7 year old and a 3 year old.
one thing i have found is that my sle has inproved dramaticaly since the birth of my second child.
as to weather you should have another child or not only you and your hubby can make that choice.
if you do chose to have another child be sure to get medical advice from the start and good luck

deedee_3

glenburg1 wrote:

as to weather you should have another child or not only you and your hubby can make that choice.
if you do chose to have another child be sure to get medical advice from the start and good luck

Hear, hear well said.

I am afraid I have no advice for you, just to say that due to medical problems I had my first child at 37 and am currently 13 weeks pregnant with my 2nd and I am 40 in May. So do I think you are too old, no you are a spring chicken LOL!!

Spendless

I don't think you're too old either. I have posted on previous occassions about me having my children at 33 and 36.

I was 30 when i met husband, we lost the first baby, had to wait for results before trying again and i had health problems between my eldest and youngest. This all delayed how old i was before having kids.

Is there any support groups you could talk things through with?

Best wishes whatever you decide.

xxxx

MarkyMarkD

My wife suffers from severe depression. When I got married (14 years ago now) we were both firmly committed to having children and looked forward to doing so when we reached 30 or so. Then she became seriously ill (at around the age of 26/27) and has since been through various levels of severity of illness including a few months in hospital care.

She hasn't worked for 6 years and is on severe disablement allowance (and doesn't qualify for incapacity benefit, as she's not paid NI contributions at the relevant time - ouch!).

She still wants children - and so do I - but I don't think it's sensible or fair on the baby or me. For all I know, she'll have a baby and then be completely incapable of caring for him/her - she's already pretty incapable of running the house and going out to the few things she is capable of doing with her time.

But other people say her maternal instincts will take over and she'll suddenly shape up.

I frankly can't be sure what might/would happen, but I don't think it's fair on a baby to make it suffer with an ill parent, given that I am working full time (and long hours much of the time) and there's a limit to how much I would be able to fill in if she was incapable of caring or (for example) was hospitalised once again.

I know that I COULD give up work, and we could live on benefits, and I could care for her and the baby ... but I don't think that's something that I want to do and I don't think that I should entrust a baby to her care given how she can be.

I hope I don't sound selfish there - I hope I'm thinking about what's best for her, me and a potential baby - and I really would love to have children, but don't think it's going to happen for us.