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Getting over infidelity / regaining trust

2

Comments

  • BLUEBIE
    BLUEBIE Posts: 251 Forumite
    We did go to marriage guidance, we were on your 4 or 5th session when I found out he was seeing her again.

    You see, i have foubd out a few times and he promised me it was over but it would start again until I found out again, if you see what I mean? As they work together they found it easy to start up again.

    The stupid thing is I do believe, as far as I can, that it is now finished, but then I thought that all those other times and I'm not sure I can get over that, even though I want to. And I do know and believe he is genuinely sorry. I just wonder if sometimes there is no going back no matter how hard you try?

    If you want to read the whole sorry tale, I'm sure there is a post under my name if you want to read it.

    xx
  • Brallaqueen
    Brallaqueen Posts: 1,355 Forumite
    What would he need to do in order for you to regain trust in him? For example

    New job far away from the colleague he had affair(s) with
    Free access to his phone/email/facebook acct
    Always running his social plans past you for approval
    Chaperone

    You need to tell him the compromises he needs to make in order to continue this relationship. Ask him to do the same for you. If you can both agree then you have a fighting chance of going forward with this
    Emergency savings: 4600
    0% Credit card: 1965.00
  • He may be genuinely sorry but is the sorrow because he's been caught in his lies for the umpteenth time or because he completely understands how desperately wicked his betrayal and dishonesty have hurt you?

    That is the question you need an answer to. Contrition is all very well but where's the reassurance?
  • pukkamum
    pukkamum Posts: 3,944 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    Oh Bluepie it took a long time for my friend to get to where she is now with her DH, she had a 2 yr old and a 6 mth old baby when she found out, it had been going on for months and months.
    When she first knew for sure ie he admitted it after weeks of telling her she was imagining things, he promised he would finish it.
    She made a condition of him staying that she had full access to his phone records, two weeks later she found out he had been in contact with her.
    He then told her he was in love with this woman and was leaving.

    It was only at this point she told her family and his.
    A week later he begged to come back. She thought long and hard about it and agreed, but it has been a long and emotional road for both of them.
    She admits that for the first year she would often look at him and despise him for what he had done, but those times got less and less until she got to the place she is now.
    They now have another baby and as far as i can see and she tells me they are very very happy and she told me that when she thinks of that time she now just feels glad she gave him another chance.

    Give it time love but only you know if you fully trust he won't do it again and if you can live with it xxxx
    I don't get nearly enough credit for not being a violent psychopath.
  • ska_lover
    ska_lover Posts: 3,773 Forumite
    1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    When i was in my late teens/early 20's, I was with a guy who cheated on me-he was a complete sleaze. It was a similar situation - he would swear time and time again he had packed it in, but had not. Eventually he did finish with this other woman, and I spent the next couple of years with deteriorating mental health, ended up on antidepresants with very low self esteeem, with constant rumours of who he was sleeping with next and paranoid thoughts going through my head.

    I wasted 7 years of my life on this guy. He was a complete nob. We eventually finished when I found out he was 'at it' again. I later found out he had slept with many women in our years ''together''. My mental health had taken a beating, I was made to feel 'paranoid' and a nutcase (by him, and myself) - and I had been right all along.

    What I say next may appear controversial, but:- If a man loves you, he won't cheat on you. He won't want to risk your relationship. He wouldn't want you to bear the hurt and pain of being humilated. I wish someone had told me that when I needed to hear it. Think about it, if you love your partner, you don't even want anyone else - you wouldn't want to risk your relationship with the one you love. Don't listen to anyone who says to you 'he wouldn't be much of a man if it was on a plate and didn't take it''- that kind of thinking is just plain wrong.
    The opposite of what you know...is also true
  • LisaB85
    LisaB85 Posts: 2,008 Forumite
    I've been cheated on once, he disappeared for 2 weeks then reappeared telling me his brother had died. Just before Christmas he admitted he was shagging and trying to get back with his ex a compulsive liar who lied about having 4 miscarriages in a month.

    New years eve he switched his phone off until late new years day then told me I was dumped and suddenly this weight was lifted from my shoulders.

    Met a guy in April who quickly got inside my head, told me he loved me but then told me he didn't fancy me etc took me 4 hours away and dumped me at midnight in a hotel room then the next day told me it was a mistake, slagged me off to his mates, slagged his mates off to me behind their back, assaulted his mum and genuine head games.

    When I finally found the courage to end it he told me he never liked me or loved me.

    As a result I don't trust men, I don't believe they like me etc let alone anything else. I can't tell you how to get over things, I have dated since but get very panicky and unsure about it so time alone is the best idea.

    I think if someone can cheat, hurt you in anyway do they really love you? they certainly don't respect you.

    They get away with it once they are likely to do it again.
  • elantan
    elantan Posts: 21,022 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Photogenic Name Dropper
    pukkamum wrote: »
    Oh Bluepie it took a long time for my friend to get to where she is now with her DH, she had a 2 yr old and a 6 mth old baby when she found out, it had been going on for months and months.
    When she first knew for sure ie he admitted it after weeks of telling her she was imagining things, he promised he would finish it.
    She made a condition of him staying that she had full access to his phone records, two weeks later she found out he had been in contact with her.
    He then told her he was in love with this woman and was leaving.

    It was only at this point she told her family and his.
    A week later he begged to come back. She thought long and hard about it and agreed, but it has been a long and emotional road for both of them.
    She admits that for the first year she would often look at him and despise him for what he had done, but those times got less and less until she got to the place she is now.
    They now have another baby and as far as i can see and she tells me they are very very happy and she told me that when she thinks of that time she now just feels glad she gave him another chance.

    Give it time love but only you know if you fully trust he won't do it again and if you can live with it xxxx


    i dont know whether to take my hat off to your friend or shake my head at her ... i am glad it has worked out for her and her family i truly am ... but i doubt it very much if i could do what she has done ... my hubby just started talking to another person on facebook and it nearly split us ... i check all his emails facebook etc constantly and i will for the rest of my life ... i doubt if i will ever fully trust him again... nothing physical happened it was mental ( which i think in some ways could be worse) were a year on and part of my love for him has died never to return
  • MELLA_2
    MELLA_2 Posts: 75 Forumite
    I think you have to be honest with yourself. Fundamentally a little part of the relationship has died and the innocence of it taken away. We grow up and are influenced by films and tv with perfect people in perfect lives. I remember talking to someone and they said they thought the chick flicks were more damaging to society than !!!!!! as chick flicks provide such unrealistic ideals and therefore our expectations and reactions are pre-populated within us.

    I think people can recover but it takes time. Its like somebody dying - its not that you get over it its just that you become more accustomed to the situation and the new situation becomes normal, therefore the old fades into the distance.
  • Errata
    Errata Posts: 38,230 Forumite
    10,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    BLUEBIE wrote: »
    You see Pukkamum, thats exactly how I feel but I'm not sure I am as strong as your friend. The urge to bring it up is so strong.

    I suppose there are other underlying things to that make me question what I'm doing, but I just so don't want to upset my dd by walking away. Wish I knew what the future held.
    Ask yourself what's in it for you; why do you feel the urge to keep bringing it up. What benefit do you gain from that, what is your motive, because we all have a motive for behaving in the way we do.
    .................:)....I'm smiling because I have no idea what's going on ...:)
  • sparrer
    sparrer Posts: 7,548 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker I've been Money Tipped!
    My ex had a cyber affair, using the computer in our lounge while I was present, watching television, reading etc. He then met her, spent time with her, and expected to come back to the marital bed. I could forgive many things but infidelity, imho, is the lowest a person can go. The thought of making love with him after he'd been with someone else make me feel ill. Months later, long after he'd left me, he said if he could come back he would do things differently but for me it was too late. The damage had been done. Ten years on I still love him in my way, we still talk on the phone from time to time, but the thought of sex with him is still abhorent. I guess part of it is the way a person has been brought up, the beliefs and morals that have been instilled in them. I may sound harsh to some but to be true to myself I won't apologise for my personal beliefs.

    Whatever OP chooses to do, and there's been a lot of sound advice posted in reply, I wish her happiness.
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