Getting over infidelity / regaining trust

BLUEBIE

Has anyone got any experience of reagaining trust after their partner has had an affair?

My OH had a relationship with another woman, telling me it was over a couple of times when it wasn't.

Now it is over but I feel that the untrust is tearing us apart.

Even though I 'think' I know deep down that he isn't seeing her I keep getting eaten up with distrust.

I do still love him and I know he still loves me but I just can't see me getting over this? I have one dd so really don't want to throw in the towel unless I have too.

Was just wondering if I keep at it will these feelings eventually go away. Has anyone else been in this situation?

xx

antw23uk

I've been in a similar situation myself and decided our relationship was worth working at. Communication is key, you need to talk about your feelings to him, tell him your hurt and dont trust him, try not to pretend or let it build up. You also need to work hard to get back on track so don't make it all doom and gloom. Spend quality time together and rekindle the romance.

Re gaining trust takes time and i promise if your in it for the long run with your partner then it will work out. I can still remember those feelings you have where your stomach just twists inside and you feel so awful all of a sudden and out of the blue! These will ease for you and trust will come once again. Perhaps not fully but for me that's just my gentle little reminder that a relationship needs to to be worked at and fed. Best wishes to you. Stay strong x

flutterby_lil

Hello bluebie - my ex cheated on me time and time again - I never learnt to trust him and left in the end. I met a wonderful man, got pregnant and he left me to get back with his ex and never saw his / our child. That was a few years ago.

I am now pregnant to a lovely man who I have been with for 3 years. He is in the process of adopting my first child. All is well but I must say, even though I "KNOW" he would never ever hurt me, there is still an element of not trusting him fully 100%. The father of my first child I trusted him 100% and never ever thought he would hurt me but he did - I suppose deep down I put my full trust in him and he broke it so I am just wary.

I personally don't think I will ever ever fully trust a man......It is sad that the man I love with all my heart and want to spend the rest of my life with with will never get my full trust. Maybe one day, who knows.

Good luck, it may take a few years and I hope I one day will trust 100%. He is definitely helping me to trust a lot lot more than I ever thought I could.

fannyanna

flutterby_lil wrote: »

Hello bluebie - my ex cheated on me time and time again - I never learnt to trust him and left in the end. I met a wonderful man, got pregnant and he left me to get back with his ex and never saw his / our child. That was a few years ago.

Gosh I'm not surprised you have trouble trusting your current partner after all that.

Welshwoofs

BLUEBIE wrote: »

Was just wondering if I keep at it will these feelings eventually go away. Has anyone else been in this situation?

Yup, it happened once and we worked through it and I slowly regained trust (it took a couple of years!), but then it happened again and there was no coming back from that.

Really you can't judge by anyone else's experience because whether or not you regain trust and, if you do, how quickly you regain it is down to a lot of variables....how good your communication is, how well you deal with it yourself etc etc.

It's probably a good idea to go to marriage counselling because obviously, if he strayed, there's a base problem in the relationship which if it doesn't get identified and sorted out, may lead to the same thing happening again at some point down the line.

Good luck

BitterAndTwisted

The thing is, it's not for you to desperately try and find ways to trust him again. It should be for him to prove that you will never, ever have a reason not to.

Being told that it's over and that not being the truth just the once, never mind a couple of times is the most wicked and cynical betrayal. It takes time, sometimes a very long time to put such things behind you. Ask him what he's going to do to reassure you that you're not wasting your life with him and why he shouldn't just go and leave you in peace to find an honest and trusting relationship with someone else.

What you do now could set the tone for the rest of your life with him.

LandyAndy

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

The thing is, it's not for you to desperately try and find ways to trust him again. It should be for him to prove that you will never, ever have a reason not to.

Being told that it's over and that not being the truth just the once, never mind a couple of times is the most wicked and cynical betrayal. It takes time, sometimes a very long time to put such things behind you. Ask him what he's going to do to reassure you that you're not wasting your life with him and why he shouldn't just go and leave you in peace to find an honest and trusting relationship with someone else.

What you do now could set the tone for the rest of your life with him.

What sort of things would you expect him to say in answer to a question like that?

flutterby_lil

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

The thing is, it's not for you to desperately try and find ways to trust him again. It should be for him to prove that you will never, ever have a reason not to.

Being told that it's over and that not being the truth just the once, never mind a couple of times is the most wicked and cynical betrayal. It takes time, sometimes a very long time to put such things behind you. Ask him what he's going to do to reassure you that you're not wasting your life with him and why he shouldn't just go and leave you in peace to find an honest and trusting relationship with someone else.

What you do now could set the tone for the rest of your life with him.

I agree, my OH has always reassured me I have nothing to worry about and he will never cheat, leave me etc. (However, not to sound negative but my childs bio father also said that and did - I guess I don't want to feel a fool again, although my ex looked the fool not me).

pukkamum

When my best friend went through this she realised that in order for them to get over it she could not keep raking it up everytime they disagreed or if he was going out without her (she said the temptation to say yeah well you had an affair everytime they disagreed was very strong as was the urge to interrogate him when he got home from a night out).

It has taken a long time (they are 5 years on now) but i would say they are in a good place now.

She admits that a small bit of her love for him died when he did it and he will never fully regain her trust but she knew she was just going to have to suck it up and get on with it as it was her choice to stay with him.

I was always of the opinion that if DH strayed that would be it and i must admit i thought she was bonkers taking him back but as she said she loves him and she refused to lose the many years of happiness they had and the plans they made without a fight.

BLUEBIE

You see Pukkamum, thats exactly how I feel but I'm not sure I am as strong as your friend. The urge to bring it up is so strong.

I suppose there are other underlying things to that make me question what I'm doing, but I just so don't want to upset my dd by walking away. Wish I knew what the future held.

fannyanna

Bluebie - have you considered having marriage counselling? I think it would be a very good thing as it will help you come to terms with what has happened but it will hopefully help you both understand why it happened and if necessary address the problem that caused the affair.

P.S. You say you don't think you're strong enough. Well I think you're strong just by deciding to give things another go. You know yourself it's not going to be easy to deal with everything so you obviously have some strength to even contemplate going dow this route. So take some credit for that x