lies about money and sexting :(

SailorSam

If the woman he'd been sexting hadn't finished it, i think you could put money on your Oh would have met her given the chance, so that takes you up to a whole new problem, then you've got real life troubles not just virtual ones. Do you really think no matter how sorry he tells you he is that he want try again.

jeffgeorge

HAve you copied and pasted this from mumsnet?

sassyblue

There is hope, of course people can change. $64M question...... Do you think he can?

purple-fairy_2

everyone is echoing pretty much what I've been thinking, I just can't bring myself to accept it's over. I know there would always be that doubt there, and even if everything was alright for 6months, or a year or several years, I don't know that I wound ever truely trust him again.

Yes jeffgeorge I have posted on mumsnet about it as well, I didn't realise there were any rules against it. I thought as this was a money saving site that people may give more of an insight on the money side of things, and also see from male perspectives as well.

Sailorsam the woman he was messaging was in America so no chance of a meet up (with her at least)

I'd like to point out to those saying he'd be a bad influence on his child that he will always be their father and see and have influence on them so to leave or not wouldn't prevent this, it would just deprive them of living with their dad.

balletshoes

purple-fairy wrote: »

I'd like to point out to those saying he'd be a bad influence on his child that he will always be their father and see and have influence on them so to leave or not wouldn't prevent this,
it would just deprive them of living with their dad.

no, it would also mean they'd be living with a mum who wasn't constantly worried and stressed about the probability that her husband was sexting behind her back again.
What happened with the credit cards - was he using them and building up debt again? Is that going to affect your monthly finances together while he's paying the debt back?

Welshwoofs

Buy_It_Now wrote: »

Seems everyone here has only ONE ANSWER..leave him. My advice would be...give him another chance, men just go through a phase sometimes.

He already had another chance. The Op says he did the same thing 2 years ago and they worked through it.

The point here is that anyone can screw up and some screw ups can be worked through. However if that person does the same thing again then it shows they weren't actually that serious about working through the issue the first time. If you let it go a second time then really, you've established a pattern - he can do what he likes, there'll be trouble when he gets caught, but there's no consequences and he can do it again when things have settled down.

The choices are clear, either a) call and end to the cycle or b) reconcile to a marriage/partnership where every few years he will lie and cheat on her

doodoot

Instinct tells me to say that you should dump him, my heart tells me to give him another chance.

You need to set out rules and barriers within the relationship with him, with goals to aim for.

His financial problems need to be addressed immediately - perhaps you could BOTH grab as much information together as possible regarding the cc's and post on the cc board here on MSE to get some advice about how to arrange the cheapest way of repaying them off?

(I say BOTH as this is his problem and it should not be you doing it for him.)

When it comes to his sexting...been there, experienced the sickening feeling, know what it's like.

Attention seeking from outside the relationship is flagging up problems that need looking at.

This is his way of dealing with stress - in order to forget reality and enter fantasy - so he needs to formulate another outlet, or you BOTH need to work out what caused him to look elsewhere for distraction.

Open communication is one of the keys to a successful relationship, and it would a shame for a relationship to break up because the couple can't speak their hearts and minds.

Your partner should be one of your best mates, and he's the father to your child...please try and salvage what is left...TOGETHER.

RacyRed

Did you work out what he is spending money re the credit cards and overdraft on?

purple-fairy_2

there is £200 on one credit card so while not brilliant it could have been alot worse I guess.
I haven't seen the statement so don't know for sure what it was spent on, from what he's said it was a stopgap in an expensive month (brothers wedding) where went into unautherised overdraft. From the statements he'd hidden, there doesn't seem to be anything dodgy, he's just really good at frittering his money away and not keeping track of it. He tends to bury his head in the sand about stuff, esp money unfortunately. I have been trying to get him to keep track of spending/do a budget/set up internet banking for months....now we're in crisis these things have now suddenly become important to him to sort out.
doodoot thank you, it's so good to hear from someone who's been there and knows what it's like first hand. If it wasn't me in the situation I know I'd be saying the same as everyone else, but the fact is I'm just not ready to walk away, especially when dcs involved.
Dealing with stress is exactly how he put it, an escape from reality, on a parr with viewing !!!!!!. He says he now understands it as a form of cheating, and admits he knew it was wrong. We have tried to discuss what he feels causes it, and come up with appropriate alternative outlets.
I still feel like a doormat, but have also voiced that to him, and I really do feel that I've got through to him that this is his last chance. I can't and won't go through this again.

Mojisola

purple-fairy wrote: »

I'd like to point out to those saying he'd be a bad influence on his child that he will always be their father and see and have influence on them so to leave or not wouldn't prevent this, it would just deprive them of living with their dad.

It won't be the same as a child growing up with this father in the house all the time, seeing his behaviour and yours, and thinking that it's okay to behave like this in a relationship.