lies about money and sexting :(

purple-fairy_2

for a bit of background as to how I found out, I happened upon some recent bank statements he'd hidden., including unautherised overdraft letter. Iwas very concerned as he has had serious issues with money. I then went to check on the credit cards he had ordered months ago (again hidden from me until I happened to get the mail first). The credit cards and their pins which he had promised he wouldn't use were gone.
At this point I was at the stage of, right what else is he hiding and decided to try and check his email in case of payment receipts there. He's a computer gamer and has lists of passwords etc for that so I tried a couple and one worked. No more money issues here, but in contacts he had another email address (for himself) I didn't know exsisted. I tried this address with the same password...and it worked. This one only had two contacts in, a female friend from his old work (not entirely happy as they had a bit of a thing, but nothing really dodgy message wise), and a random stranger it turns out he'd been having an online 'sexual' relationship with. There was very graphic stuff on there, all him initiating as far as I could see. It had ended a few weeks ago because SHE called it off as she didn't want to risk her real life relationship.

I confronted him about it last night and we had a long talk about alot of stuff which was good but I still don't know how to move forward.

The problem is, we had a very similar situation happen about 2 yrs ago and it took a long time to build up my trust and he's gone and smashed it to bits again I don't want to break up, and we have a child together, but I don't know how I can ever trust him again.

Does anyone have any advice on working through this or is there no hope for us?

paddy's_mum

The short answer is - you can't trust him! How many hundreds of actual lies, as well as lies by omission, has he perpetrated upon the family in these past few years?

What you do about it is another matter but I can tell you that when you reach a point where you simply do not believe a word that comes out of a partner's mouth, you are on a long, painful, slippery slope downwards. Good luck and I'm sorry for your heartache.

smartpicture

Everyone deserves a second chance. But this guy has had a second and a third and is still lying and cheating, so he's not going to change.

If you want the relationship to work, you have to accept that it will be all on his terms, that he will continue lying and cheating (and why wouldn't he, when he knows he can get away with it?) and that's what your life will be for the next 40 years. Do you think you can manage that?

Mojisola

purple-fairy wrote: »

I don't want to break up, and we have a child together, but I don't know how I can ever trust him again.

While it's normally best for a child to grow up with both parents, do you want your child to live with a liar and a cheat? If your partner can do this to you - again - what makes you think he'll behave any better towards your child?

Apart from him risking the family's financial health, you aren't going to be a relaxed and happy parent while you're dealing with your untrustworthy OH. Your child deserves better.

Buy_It_Now

purple-fairy wrote: »

Does anyone have any advice on working through this or is there no hope for us?

Seems everyone here has only ONE ANSWER..leave him. My advice would be...give him another chance, men just go through a phase sometimes.

Alikay

As the others have said, you CAN'T trust him: However some people can manage to remain in a relationship without trust. It seems to end up a bit of a parent/child kind of thing with lies and checking up etc but appears do-able for some (lasted 40 years for a couple I know!). If you decide to stay with him you'll always have to keep one step ahead and he'll learn new ways to cover his tracks, so you'll need emotional and mental stamina!

It wouldn't do for me, but I'm not you, and don't have a child with him.

paddy's_mum

Buy_It_Now wrote: »

give him another chance [or two hundred?], men just go through a phase sometimes.

I agree absolutely. In fact, there are some men who go through this phase from puberty to the grave. :rotfl:

Mojisola

purple-fairy wrote: »

The problem is, we had a very similar situation happen about 2 yrs ago and it took a long time to build up my trust and he's gone and smashed it to bits again

Buy_It_Now wrote: »

Seems everyone here has only ONE ANSWER..leave him. My advice would be...give him another chance, men just go through a phase sometimes.

It's a very long phase! How many chances and how many years should purple-fairy give her OH?

C_Mababejive

Gotta go......

January20

purple-fairy wrote: »

I don't want to break up,

Why not? Do you like to be lied to? To be made a fool of? Because he is making a fool of you, and you're letting him. This is his second chance and does it look like he cares about the risk of losing you? Or is it because he knows you are soft and won't leave him? Great example for your child. You'll forgive him again, life will get back to some sort of normality but he'll do it again but this time he'll be clever about covering his tracks. And how long before he has a RL affair?

Sorry to be harsh but I think you need to hear the truth with no frills attached.

krlyr

Best case scenario, he confesses all, apologises and promises to never do it again...but will you ever stop wondering if he's started again? Trust is a major part of a relationship and I wouldn't want to be with someone I constantly doubted. Especially if he's already been caught out once and reverted back to his lies eventually.
As the saying goes, "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me"