A new 'tougher' thread... and so it continues

Possession

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Do you really think so? It seems like a huge amount to me. *confession coming up* I don't have kids, so I suppose that means I know absolutely nothing about it. But that's never stopped me from having an opinion about things before and I'm now too old for a-changing......

I know it sounds like a lot, but DH & I probably spend about £400 if you include all food, alcohol etc as well as presents. We have two children and big families who still buy each other (expensive!) presents. On my family's side it's more restrained but on DH's side we earn way less than his siblings and while nobody spends silly money they don't visit poundland either!

Uniscots97

On the subject of saving for christmas and birthdays, one thing I've done for years is squirrel stuff away all year.

1) I send off for all freebies I think will get used
2) I have a purse that has my shopping money and money vouchers it means if I am in that area I can use them (I am kicking myself as I couldn't make use of some sainsbugs ones before they expired, but as I am job hunting at the moment I am shopping where ever I am near)
3) I do surveys to earn vouchers (I used my most recent one to treat myself to No7 moisturiser and facewash)
4) I trawl the charity shops (whenever I'm near) for DVD's (most are new or in good condition in shops near me for £1 each) and new books, nice vases or ornaments.

I have a box (well 'boxes' as I need to sort out the study, it more resembles the cupboard scene in Monica's apartment from the sitcom Friends.....:o please note I keep all my craft stuff in there but it ........seriously.... needs sorted out), that I put all my freebies or squirreled items into so that they are to hand whenever a birthday or event comes up.

When I met OH he couldn't believe the presents I came up with for all the kids (nieces, nephews), we estimated (after I let him into my little secret) that if I'd bought everything it would have cost me £50 per child and in fact I'd spent £5 per child (toys for younger ones, CD's, games, DVD's, make-up/perfume/aftershave freebies for the older ones, sweets, chocolate etc)

maryb

I think it very much depends on the size of the family and whether she feels she has to buy for nephews and nieces etc. But she will probably feel under pressure to go out for a Christmas meal with colleagues, and they may exchange small gifts, plus most teachers I know buy small gifts for their forms if they are form tutors - maybe only a little chocolate but it all adds up etc. And I was working under the assumption that the teenager would get any big needs met at Christmas - like new clothes, maybe. If that comes out of the Christmas budget that could easily make the numbers much bigger.

Last year I kept a spreadsheet of how much Christmas actually cost. It's easy enough to keep track of the obvious costs like the turkey and the main presents but it's all the extras that really mount up - it was quite eye-opening.

That's why I thought that with a teenager £600 wasn't unlikely. And after all, this is a woman in supposedly well paid work, and in the normal course of events someone with a job like that ought to be able to put away £50 each month for Christmas

fuddle

My friend isn't renting her house out after all. I'm really upset. I actually feel sick with worry over the heating costs of this house. You know how I said we lost our house a few years back? Well what I didn't tell you all was that we were bankrupt too. Everything went horribly wrong. When we lost the house (the receiver took it as it had equity in it) we struggled to find somewhere to live with the bankruptcy. The agents wouldn't take us on without 6 months rent in advance or a guarantor. My mum and sister were in the position to financially be our guarantor but refused because it put their financial furtures in jeopardy. I understood that, although it still hurts that they didn't help me when I needed it.

So I had to find us somewhere privately to rent and hope that someone would see me and my family for the good people we are and not the big black B that was associated with us. I found a nice man who was willing to let us rent his house. This house. It was, and still is in places, in poor decorative repair which means we have cheaper rent than most but the living costs associated with this house are so difficult. I feel trapped because we have another 3 years with the bankruptcy affecting our credit file. 3 more years of not getting into houses that agents have on their books. 3 more years of huge bills. I just want out of this house but get so cross with myself because we're so lucky to have it.

I'm not in a good place right now. Motivation has gone out the window and I just want to cry. Going to log off for a bit to try to see if I can calm the feelings down in my head. I'm a very,very lucky person with a safe house in a safe area. I need to get a grip of the negativity. P.S. I hope you don't feel bad on me now you know my secret.

Byatt

Ohhhh Fuddle, sweetie, how could anyone feel bad about you?

I totally understand how you feel. I felt that way about this house, it's taken me almost 2 years to get to a place where I am trying to accept it, warts and all. I have a bad credit history now, and have been close to bankruptcy, seriously considered it but have a payment plan instead. I can't rent elsewhere, but have been lucky in that an agent took me on, despite not working. I did have to pay 6 months in advance back along and had some equity from the house, but the equity was swallowed up in rent over the last 5 years and I can't move anywhere else.

I know it's hard to have the disappointment of not getting the house of your friend and you will feel better again. This too will pass...I've been told that often, and it does. Have a good cry, then haul yourself back up again. But if it takes a few days, don't worry, let your heart and mind have some respite.

xxxxxx

maryb

Fuddle it's hard not to get upset over things like that but keep the longer term in view. Three years goes very fast especially with children around. Are you looking at the Preparing for Winter thread? Loads of ideas there about how to reduce heating costs and make the place more comfortable. And each autumn there's a thread called "Is your heating on or off?" where people encourage each other in their efforts to be spartan - makes it less grim when you are trying to hold off putting on the heating. If you can walk 6 miles on a regular basis for the sake of making a better life for your family, there's not much you can't take on.

Possession

(((Hugs))) Fuddle. Hope you're feeling more positive by the time you come back online. I don't know how to make you feel better but as you say, you're in a safe house in a safe area and that is a big thing.

kidcat

Fuddle - I have been there too, our last but one house was a desperate measure as our credit file meant no one would take us, and the costs were phenomenal. I dont know your particular set up but is it possible to close down rooms for winter and seal them off almost? Our bills here are about half the previous two houses and the big difference is that here we are warm whereas in the last two places it was always cold.
Obviously the winter prep board is incredibly helpful and will probably have way better ideas than I do. ((hugs))

OH has been told that if he doesnt return to work by next shift he is fired! So today when he was moaning about why he hasnt healed yet, I didnt comment at all. He then pushed me for answers and I told him calmly and quietly that its because its in his head and that he doesnt want to return to work. I went on to tell him that I believe he is autistic and needs help. Adding that I am training to manage the kids autism and that I feel I am bringing up five kids not four.

He was very quiet and I suggested he should look into diagnosis and then therapies as whilst I was happy to "manage" the boys and deal with the issues I am really not willing to "manage" him and that he needs to learn the strategies himself.

I feel a bit mean having told him but I have been pushed to my limits and have spent two years putting this off - every professional involved in the boys care always brings up the question - and what about dad do you have any concerns that he may have any autistic tendancies? Some are more blunt.

Financially we are on the edge and that is devastating I have spent years dragging us to this point only to fall at such a stupid hurdle - he tripped on the blinking stairs for goodness sakes. He twisted his ankle, he didnt break his neck, it should all have been so simple.

Have been in a very poor mood for days and cant seem to kick myself up again - its like everything is going wrong at once.

Smiley - You are wonderful, taking the destruction of your chair so well - I would have flipped, you are indeed inspiring.

Possession

Kidcat I really feel for you. At times I think DH won't allow himself to hold down another job and we will be back in the same mess again when his anxiety gets bad but I'm hoping he has better ways of dealing with it now reliance on alcohol is less. Does your DH really have no idea or is he in denial? Can he be made to go back to work or will that make everything worse? I completely get the frustration of trying to get them to actually do something about it.

BitterAndTwisted

Fuddle: you don't have to be a bankrupt to not be able to afford to heat your home adequately. Many of us are in the same position. I took it as a personal challenge to use the absolute bare minimum. It was the only way I could think of to stay sane. Thank the Lord for fleeces (layers of them) and thermal undies. The not being able to bathe ever day was the most painful, but needs must when the devil drives or whatever it is they say.

Try and think back to how grateful you were to find that landlord when you had everything stacked against you. You're still as fortunate, it's just that you don't feel it today. You probably will tomorrow. Meanwhile you've got time to devote to your winter-preps.....