A new 'tougher' thread... and so it continues

katieowl_2

Nicolafine wrote: »

I am reading through this entire thread and not quite finished. It's a little disheartening in some ways and makes me so worried about the future. I too was a 'worried' child. I knew that money was always tight when I was growing up (5 children) and was too afraid to ask my Mother for anything. I always felt sad that there was not enough to go round although in retrospect, my parents did the best they could and I had a wonderful childhood. Having said that I always (from the age of 11) had some kind of job .. I even went to jumble sales and bought stuff to sell to the antique shops believe it or not! Anyway I have to say that I would hate my daughter to know that I struggle to make ends meet. I don't want her to be like I was; I try to give her all that I can even though she has developed the (obvious) teenage taste for 'designer' clothes etc. Thank goodness for ebay although she doesn't know that I buy from there. Am I right I wonder? I just have this vision of the distressed little girl I was and I truly want to spare her that. She is aware of limitations .... but not quite how much.

Hmmm... that's interesting. My mum was a single mum in the 60's..she always worked, but didn't earn much, and we were short of spending money. Was always fed and watered, but the threat of eviction hung over mum because gran was a tyrant. I have security issues Growing up most of my clothes were from Jumble sales, or hand me downs from people at my Nan's church. I did have a bit of a wobble in my early teens because nothing was new, but fortunately I turned into a hippy chick with a taste for vintage, and by the time I was buying my own clothes I was mainly shopping in Jumble sales, charity shops, buying from flea markets! Became second nature.

When my kids were small money was very tight, but the kids had nice clothes, because I bought second hand or in the sales, and TBH I don't remember them having a problem, they always knew where stuff came from, and of course my clothes were sometimes pre loved. DS had a bit of a forray into 'labels' but he's out of it again now, last time we went shopping (he's still living at home with me and at college, so I'm still buying remember ) he was most impressed with my rummaging skills, and came home with a huge bag of stuff, some of which with 'the label' for £70, including t-shirts, trackies, and underwear! Both of my girls still charity or sale shop, and do it for preference as they get more for their spondoolicks. My middle DD is currently wearing a green vintage welsh wool cape she bought in Oxfam, and every time she wears it, people ask where she got it from?

I personally don't think it does any harm to show that you need to be careful with money, as long as it's showing "if we don't have this, we can afford this" kind of thing. If it's 'OMG I can't pay all these bills we'll end up on the streets..." I'd be a lot more careful - that DOES have repercussions later on.

My kids are all brilliant with their money, having seen me be very careful over the years, they don't waste food, and they do their research before they buy anything, so if watching me 'be careful' passed those skills on, then I think in the current climate that's a good thing to have shown them.

Kate

Byatt

Nicola, how old is your daughter? I was like you, until very recently, but now, although I don't shout it from the rooftops, I actually say I cannot afford something to my DD and friends. My DD has helped me the last few weeks, in that she puts aside money for vets bills. It makes a big difference to me (especially as she has pooch most of the time) but also she understands my situation better.

Katie, has said it so well, especially about passing on the skill of being careful. I don't think there is anything better we could do in this respect. I wish my parents had done the same. I remember being very poor, but money wasn't discussed. I just knew the worry of it for my mother (and she used it to manipulate) but not how to be careful.

kidcat

Nicola I think its a fine line we all walk with our kids, my Ds13 has no concept of money values yet and I am keen to help him with the concept, being ASD its taking longer than most but eventually it will settle. I try to instill the idea that I am careful with money and spending in order to buy "nice" stuff. I am open that I shop for good deals and stock up, so when DS13 was complaining at the amount of washing powder I had bought I sat down and showed him the normal price and the amount I would buy over the space of a year, I then showed him how much I had paid, I explained that the difference would pay for one of the younger kids parties.
If we dont teach kids to be frugal then there is a good chance they will end up in debt when older and that I am determined to try to prevent if at all possible. Climbing out of debt was the hardest thing we ever did and I would never wish that on my kids.
My Oh had no idea of money (hence the debt) as his parents lived a very strange life, his dad used to gamble to pay the bills, and if all else failed my OHs bank account was used to cover bills. They never had an consistency in that some days they had TV and phone others they didnt depending on which horse won at Newmarket. I remember the year when two of the kids (he had five siblings) got no Christmas presents - the others did as his mum had bought gifts for each child before starting on the next - and ran out of cash!

I think the point I am making is that I dont want the kids to feel poor but I want them to understand the value of money and that we have to work for it and that sometimes we may not have the newest TV because we have chosen to spend our money elsewhere.

Its been a rollercoaster again here today, I woke with a migraine so I took painkillers and sat on sofa - leaving Oh with kids, probably not the best idea but my mind was fuzzy. As a result DS7 was bouncing off the walls this afternoon. He smashed a glass candle holder, which Oh hadnt cleared up. DD5 then went to pick up her shoes and cut her finger open on the glass. Cue trip to walk in centre, one hour wait (that was fast track) and still no definate answer on whether any glass in the wound.

Tomorrow I have to finish the shopping and take DD5 to a birthday party, and have promised to look into some sort of bag she can use to carry her inhaler and spacer around in, its in a jiffy envelope at the moment and isnt terribly handy or portable. Bearing in mind Ds7 has also scratched her face (lovely red mark) and smashed her ear in door today I feel she deserves a pick me up and some time out for her patience.

PIC- so sorry you have ended up more injured (isnt it always the way), but I have to admit to a chuckle at the visions of your neighbours face!

Mrs_Chip

Quick pop-in, i'm in a knitting frenzy :rotfl:.

Kate - saw your DD in the shop today, she said she needed a pair of 8mm kneedles. I have a spare pair but off to London Sunday. I can post or leave with Mrs OG? Your call!

Hope everyone is ok, will do a proper catch up later!

Homeagain

GreyQueen wrote: »

Good morning OS-ers and hoping everyone is feeling OK today. Mardatha, grinning at the idea of riding as pillion on a motorbike with labyrinitus. Rode lotsa bikes growing up; can't imagine riding one in this state tho! I was laughing to myself last night after I went offline, imagining you with a cabbage under each arm, and a spurned cabbage and two snooty hens at your feet........:rotfl:being dissed by poultry.....with cats you expect it but walking roast dinners.........

Fuddle I grew up on a pretty rough council estate on the edge of a market town and most families were the same as us; SAHM mums, Dads in the factories, no cars, slowly moving from b&w to colour tellies, foriegn holidays unheard-of luxuries. With a very few sad exceptions, everyone in the old neighbourhood grew up to be happy and well-adjusted individuals. This was the Jurassic Era aka 1970s, of course, being as I'm middle-aged now.

Can't speak from the perspective of a Mum as I'm not one, but from the POV of an older child, I can well recall the lengthy financial autopsies which predated my parents' decision to buy our house (would have been about 12-13). It didn't make me feel anxious, it made me feel adult and aware of the realities of my parents' and thus our lives and circumstances. We used to sit together after tea was finished and talk over the day, the issues of the world etc etc.

I think children need to feel secure, even if Mum and Dad (or their other caregivers) are feeling panicky inside but I don't think it's harmful to betold that "We can't afford that" or to pose choices such as, "Well, if you have X now you can't have Y later."

I've come across a fair few adults, even middle-aged adults and older, who have a very immature attitude to money and cannot seem to deny themselves anything, no matter how trivial and over-priced that item is. They lurch from self-imposed crisis to self-imposed crisis and never understand that most of their problems originate inside their own heads, and can only be rectified likewise. If their income increases, the scale of their muddles increases in proportion. They never get to "enough".

What I learned from my parents was that money doesn't grow on trees, that you need to be thrifty and look after what you have in terms of belongings, savings etc, and that you need to play the long game with regard to capital expenditures.

F'instance, the folks buy cars which are about 18 months-2 years old. Modest cars, and they let someone else take the worst of the depreciation. Then they look after them well and drive them very carefully, whilst maintaining a dedicated savings account for the replacement. Each car is kept until 10 + years old (the last one was 16 when it was changed) and then the replacement is bought for cash from savings. That way no beggar gets a car finance deal off them.

I was only talking at the weekend with my Mum. She managed to be a SAHM until me and brother were 9 and 7 respectively, then returned to work part-time, then full-time as we grew older. Money was very very tight and it was hard for my folks when we both needed shoes at the same time. I can recall Mum unravelling 2 worn out adults' jumpers to skein and wash the yarn and re-knit as stripy tanktops for us kids (OK, I know, I was a 70s child ) and many many other little economies.

Thing was, we had lots of love and attention, we were warm and clean and well-fed (lots of hearty fillers like semolina for dessert) and we knew that we were the first priotities in our parents' lives.

I contrast that with the children whom a pal taught at an ultra-elite European boarding school. The pupils were the scions of some of the richest and most influential people in the world and their parents cared so little for them that they left them in school year round, including holidays. These rich kids would say to my pal; "Why did our parents have us if they didn't want us?" What could she say?

Yeah, it broke her heart hearing that, and mine, too.

So, if you're raising your kids with love and attention, in my book you're doing well, and shouldn't beat yourself up over not being able to give them everything that you'd like to give them. Hey, they'd probably only lose it down the back of the sofa, anyway.

Oooh, times a-passing, need to get tea then run out to earn my living for a few hours. Laters, GQ x

ETa. I got sidetracked; I'm feeling warm and fuzzy cos I gave something away on Freecycle last night.........love that concept to pieces.

I wish I had read this post earlier! So true .. wonderful, will take on board nearly everything you have said. Feel a bit better now .... maybe I'm not the worst.

katieowl_2

Mrs_Chip wrote: »

Quick pop-in, i'm in a knitting frenzy :rotfl:.

Kate - saw your DD in the shop today, she said she needed a pair of 8mm kneedles. I have a spare pair but off to London Sunday. I can post or leave with Mrs OG? Your call!

Hope everyone is ok, will do a proper catch up later!

Oh Er Missus, you know more than me....I might even have some. Now I've got a gauge I can check, I'll get back to you!

Kate

paidinchickens

Morning peeps

I managed a whole four hours sleep last night :j

The only problem is when I am up all night poorly I have to put the heating on as no amount of blankets etc take the chill off poorly bones. I refuse to cut back on heating if it is going to make me ill so we will all be dressed as Eskimos when I feel better to gain back some of the money going to the blood sucking energy company.......boo hiss.

Scans are back and the doc went over the results last night. I will put it words that were translated to me, I have two discs that have crumbled away and now I have bone rubbing on bone which is causing nerve problems/damage :eek: I thought I was less tolerant to pain after giving the fags up :rotfl:

On one hand I am glad they have actually found something as I thought I sounded like a whining, moaning murtle with a drug problem for the last couple of years as apart from the car accident (nothing to do with the back) I only seem to go to the docs for decent pain relief. A certain family member looked a tad sheepish when I told them as I have had many a comment on how "oh there is always something wrong with you" usually because I have had to cancel driving/taking them somewhere :mad:

On the other hand I am 40 at the end of the year, most of my friends turn 40 through the year and we are all falling to bits in one way or another. Is it all down hill from here???

I have been passed on to a back clinic which has quite a good reputation so will get more info when I go for my appointment in two weeks time. I thought that was quite quick for NHS.

So to the people out there with the same problem how do you help yourself?

Sat here pondering this morning on how best to help myself without scaring myself sh1tless by googling :rotfl:

Given up the weed already and they say that helps any illness. I have started to take multi vitamins a few months ago (value brand for a few pence) I am allergic to nearly all sea food apart from tuna and cod so I make sure I have tuna at least once a week and have started to use omega 3 tablets (value). Cutting down on the food bill and whoopsie hunting has naturally led to eating more fruit and veg and coming up with ingenious ways to use it up.

I have a gym membership....... before everyone screams :eek::eek::eek: it is £10 a month I got through work and I only go when I pick DGD up from school (right near school) so no extra cost on fuel. By the time I have a shower, dry hair and straighten three times a week it is probably cheaper than washing at home :rotfl: The only thing I think is by the time I do gently exercise I may as well give it up and just go walking/allotmenting instead as I have been struggling to find the time even when well. I must also shed this extra stone I seemed to have been carrying around since before crimbo.

Been a little lost without going to jumbles the last couple of weeks my big plan today is to try and clean the bits of the kitchen that does not involve bending or stretching.

The lovely man at Mr t express saved us a tin of roses yesterday as they finally went down to £2 ish a tin. DH and I had some last night and the rest will be stuck on the table for the boys to scoff over the weekend as a treat for being so absolutely helpful and well behaved while I have been bed ridden.

A friend of ours has given us copies of the series The good life (if anyone remembers it) So DH and I are treating ourselves by having a little bed picnic and watching an episode a night. I forgot how funny it is and how some of the ideas we have thought of/ are doing ourselves all these years later :rotfl::rotfl:

I hope everyone has a fab day

PIC x

Hardup_Hester

I had a friend who worked in a very posh boarding school, she once went out & bought underwear for a child at the school because the childs own underwear was in tatters, said child's father/stepfather, was, at the time playing James Bond, it was nothing to do with lack of money & everything to do with lack of interest.
Hester

westcoastscot

PIC I have crumbled discs at the bottom of my spine caused by my arthritis - it's been two years now and my life has had to change out of all recognition. Best advice is to try and pace yourself always - good days and bad. Sorry to sound so negative - am going through a sore phase at the mo - (it's why i have periods of absence from the boards - i'm too depressing to be around when i'm like this!). Fingers crossed you recover quickly, as lots of people do, and get back to your old self once again.

Day to day I keep active in small ways, bob between active and sitting for short periods to rest, but always sitting with good posture - no lolling on the couch or in bed for me - I have an upright padded rocking chair which is fantastic. In the care take lots of breaks and give yourself time to recover after a long journey.

Take it easy for a while, WCS

thriftwizard

The pupils were the scions of some of the richest and most influential people in the world and their parents cared so little for them that they left them in school year round, including holidays. These rich kids would say to my pal; "Why did our parents have us if they didn't want us?" What could she say?

I had a friend who worked in a very posh boarding school, she once went out & bought underwear for a child at the school because the childs own underwear was in tatters, said child's father/stepfather, was, at the time playing James Bond, it was nothing to do with lack of money & everything to do with lack of interest.
Hester

I was a scholarship girl at a school like this, long ago. And my rich friends loved coming back to the "humble abode" which went with my mother's job for "exeats", because it was a real home, even if it wasn't in any sense "ours" and all the bedding, furnishings etc. were old, patched & mended or came from jumble sales & my Mum, a young widow, was always worried that they'd think we were very "infra dig", as she used to say - we didn't even have a car, never mind a fleet of Rollers & a chauffeur, as some of them did. Some had unlimited pocket money, but literally didn't know whether they'd be going home to the same stepfather they'd left at the start of the term, or even if they were going home at all - or where home was, this week. It may sound daft to some but I didn't envy them their jet-set lifestyles at all; in fact I think that's one reason why money, beyond the point of having enough, has never seemed particularly important to me.