Dad's rights - does he have any?

elsien

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BitterAndTwisted

He definitely needs to contact the children's school to find out whether they are still attending. Stripped the house of furniture? What a cow.

RAS

If you head over to the CSA forum, there is a post about tracing children.

Basically if you know anyone who may know where the children are, then he can get a court order that requires them to provide that information.

make_me_wise

[QUOTE=elsien;48796055](And to the poster who wondered if he was abusive, I wondered how long that would take to come up! I have no doubt in my mind at all that he is not. Aside from which if there were I'm fairly sure she'd have used it well before now when she petitioned for the divorce.)[/QUOTE]

There is no need to be rude about someone raising a very valid point. Unless you lived with them in their house all the time you would not know for sure what has gone on.

It is naive to not consider this as a possibility. She may well not raise it in her divorce petition. Many sufferers of domestic abuse are to terrified and ashamed to tell anyone. They fear repercussions from their partners and their friends and families not believing them and vilifying them.

Just look how you have reacted to me suggesting it.

elsien

I apologise if I came across as rude as that was not my intention, I found your original post helpful.

My comment was because I initially dithered for a while about posting on this particular part of the forums for this very reason.
I have seen other threads relating to men asking for help in relation to access to children which appear to fairly quickly get to the "are you abusive" assumption. I can see why the circumstances as I have given them might lead people to wonder, but I also think (as a general comment, not aimed at your particular post) that this assumption is jumped to a little bit too quickly at times. Hence my defensive response.
Thanks to all who have offered advice, I won't be posting any further on this one.

clearingout

if mum hasn't worked for years and has done all the school runs, doctors appointments, school plays etc. etc. it is likely that the children's sense of well-being and security lies with her far more than it does with dad. For this reason, unless mum is open to 50/50, it is unlikely a court would order shared care on a 50/50 basis. 'Hands on' parenting means different things to different people but in my ex's case, he thought that giving the children a bath on a regular basis and reading them a story meant he was 'hands on'. Never occured to him that food had to be bought and cooked, clothes purcashed, washed and ironed, toys purchased and kept clean and in good order, appropriate activities needed to be attended such as the library, dancing, swimming, football...., teeth cleaning needs supervising, homework needs supervising, baths need to be regular, shoes need to be measured for and bought, friendships need to be encouraged and having people to tea needs to happen (often meaning as a parent, you find yourself 'friends' with people you can't actually stand!). The one thing that stands out to me in this case is if the father is able to arrange his working hours around his children now he is separated, it begs the question why he didn't do it before. This is exactly what my ex did - hadn't done a school run prior to separation but suddenly he was super-dad with all the time in the world. It all back-fired on him in the end.

OP - don't discount the abuse comment. People in their friendships, and work relationships can be very, very different to how they are at home. You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. My ex is a victim, he has told some what I can only describe as whopping lies to cover up his behaviour towards me and no one would believe the public person would put me through what he did. It doesn't mean he didn't behave badly, however, nor that I am somehow insane or stupid or a liar for knowing what he did to me. It can be very hard not to take sides - and it does sound like the lady in question here isn't behaving very sensibly - but you are right to perhaps point him towards relevant forums so he can seek the support he needs. I would personally suggest https://www.wikivorce.com.

gizmo111

I would stop paying the £500 allowance for a start - bt if its near the CSA amount then out it aside.
www.ondivorce.co.uk is a great resource, but no internet forum will beat a visit to a solicitor with all the facts and reasons.

princessdreamer

Abuse is a very difficult area, I know how hard it is to even admit that you were suffering and even harder to stand up to an abuser. it is much easier to just run away. However most relationships are not abusive even though they may be turbulent when they do split.

As for 50/50 am very strongly against it as I feel it does not benefit the child, for it to work you need to parents living seperatly who are willing to co parent. Not a court engorged war zone.