Dad's rights - does he have any?

BitterAndTwisted

Sounds like she's got plenty of cash for rent if she inherited her folk's house not that long ago. This also explains her reluctance to engage in mediation and her refusal to send in her financial declaration for the financial settlement.

I think your friend should withhold any payments to her until she contacts him and agrees to discuss access.

elsien

I don't disagree in principle, but the stress sharing a house with someone she doesn't love for months was due to her refusal to take part in discussions in any way at all. She is the one who chose to let things drag on unresolved for as long as they have when they could have been sorted months ago so it seems unreasonable to now be complaining about a situation that she had the opportunity to resolve and chose not to.
So his distress that she has now legged it with the children with nary a word seems to me to be entirely reasonable and has nothing to do with anyone being a chattel.
My query was due to being fairly sure what the response would have been had be been the one to take the kids and go, and wondering whether the same applied the other way round. Clearly not - the double standard appears to be alive and kicking.

( And he is not expecting anyone else to look after the children while he works - he has a flexible work rota and was planning to arrange his work around the children.)

Edit - and yes of course I'm biased and there is clearly a lot of anger between them and I'm sure he's done and said things he shouldn't. But he is a good dad, and it doesn't seem right that she gets to dictate when, where, who and how when it's been joint decisions all the way up to this point.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

It's not double standards, I wouldn't say that a woman could compel a man to leave his children behind, either, as she doesn't own him or them, either. If a man did the same, I would advise her to get down the solicitor's as well.

Tuesday_Tenor

If Ex has been the Executor for her parents estate over the last 6 months she may have been:

a) Grieving and devasted and unable to function properly for a while due to bereavement (i.e. she'd have been in a state even if her marriage hadn't collapsed)

and/or

b) Busy sorting out that house; clearing it, putting it on the market etc.

Knowing that her financial situation was about to change might have made completing paperwork about it not strightforward for her.

I'm not overly definding her, by the way, just pointing out that we don't really know what's going on. I think not telling the father where the children are is awful, unless there is FAR more to this than you/we're being told.

Hagar_uk

I think I am pretty sure at this moment in time, your friend has just no less or more rights than the mother. If he was looking after them he could do exactly the same thing, in theory at least. The fact that she has moved out, and the kids home is your home, should count for something. What do the kids want?

His wife is playing the usual game of thinking only they love their kids, try to restrict fathers access for their own selfish reasons rather than kids welfare.

A better site for advice is https://www.dads-uk.co.uk a great free uk forum, with people who have been through this and people including McKenzie friends who know more about the legal side.

He does not at this stage have to pay anything, she can go to CSA, but he should be making his kids don't go without and would recommend he pasy what the CSA recommend, by standing order only, leave a paper trail

elsien wrote: »

Posted on behalf on a friend.
His wife is divorcing him and I think the first stage has gone through. They have been living in the same house - he declined to move out until finances and childcare were sorted between them. She refused mediation and has refused to send in her financial declaration so he has been unable to do a financial settlement with her and there are no formal arrangements for the kids in place giving either of them primary responsibility, again due to her non-co-operation. He works, she does not, the children are 7 and 9.

When he got home yesterday he found out that she has taken the children and gone without warning. At the moment he does not know where. She has indicated that she expects him to continue paying all her expenses although he does not know what they are so they haven't been agreed, and he wants a shared care arrangement with the children. The CSA are not involved at the moment as their finances haven't been sorted, and he is not trying to wriggle out of his commitments towards the children.
Obviously he is trying to get legal advice but she seems to think that she can limit his access just because she wants to - there are no concerns around him being a bad parent or being unsafe for the children to be around.
Although he obviously has financial commitments towards them all, surely she can't just go and rent somewhere and expect him to pay the mortgage on the existing house plus all her costs with no discussion or court agreement?
And how does he find out where they are and keep access in the meantime?

Edit - am I on the right board, or should I be on child support?

DS4215

The financial situation will be complicated by the inheritance. Technically, isn't half of that is now (as a marital asset) in the same that half of the house is hers (and his), and cars, pension, etc. If it hasn't been finalised it might not be easy to produce the statement and she might have not wanted him to get his claws into it....

RAS

elsien wrote: »

she possibly has some money from the sale of her parents house after they recently passed away.

If she has inherited money, this is a matter of public record as the probate of letters on administration have to be declared before the money is distributed. He needs to ring the Probate Office and ask for help with that.

This may mean she has money to pay the rent etc, but she will probably be unable to claim any benefits.

Neither affect the fact that he needs to pay 20 percent of his income as CSA and no more.

But it could well affect the financial settlement.

make_me_wise

elsien wrote: »

Obviously he is trying to get legal advice but she seems to think that she can limit his access just because she wants to - there are no concerns around him being a bad parent or being unsafe for the children to be around.

I may be playing devils advocate here, but are you absolutely sure he is safe around the kids and his wife? There are many threads that appear on this board from women who have been suffering horrendously and are advised to do just what your friends wife has done.

You will find in the majority of these cases that this has gone on behind closed doors, normally the couples families and friends are the last to know, being left shocked when they discover the truth.

I hope for everyones sake that this is not the case in this instance. I agree with other posters who advise reporting them missing. The children should be attending school at this time. As a father with parental rights he could contact the childrens' school and find out if they have been attending. It will cause problems if they have not been.

Dinah93

I would imagine she doesn't want to complete the financial settlement as she's hoping he won't then have a claim on the inheritance. Which he does as it was a marital asset.

This is clearly not an amicable split, and needs to be done through the courts, as otherwise the children are going to be stuck in the middle used as a bargaining chip to get people to sign papers, sell assets, hand over cash etc etc. The courts can make sure everyone gets access to the children and determine what they believe is fair financially.

gratefulforhelp_2

elsien wrote: »

she wants him to just see them on Saturdays, whereas he wants a 50/50 arrangement (or as close to it as is best for the children)

I would question whether a 50-50 arrangement is best for the children.